I do appreciate the 2x4. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm sorry if I do. The thing is, it hurts more sometimes. When he was gone, he had less of a chance to get to me. Now he's back and he still pushes buttons and it hurts. I joke around and I try to do my best to keep my self-confidence up. But sometimes the insensitive moments have a way of tearing me down quickly. And I honestly thought that when he came back, things would be looking brighter. But honestly, I still have the same doubts as I did before. I guess that's where my head is at...
FOBD is right. Alot of us would cut off their right arms and perhaps other things for the amount they are being used right now, to be where you are.
PATIENCE is the word. Dont do or say anything right now to evoke doubt in her mind. Be the rock and address the situation of the funeral and tha you are there for HER. If you initiate R talk at this point she may see you as being somebody that is taking advantage of a bad situation to further HIS own gains.
Keep fighting the good fight.
9 BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I can't tell you how HAPPY I am for you. Just becareful and don't talk about the R right now at all. You already know that yall are working on it. So, just do that...work on it. This is the hard part...
You gotta stay focused on changing you in order to keep your wife in the game with you. She has to keep seeing this change about you.
Your Wife has a lot going on right now. So, just keep being her rock and working towards the goal in mind. Her coming HOME soon. When she is ready again, she will bring it up. Right?
Denver, your doing such a great job friend. I'm so proud of you. Just stay on track...
BITS
Dixie
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
Denver and Lost, Both of you seem to be struggling a bit with accepting the nice gift you have been given. What gift? The gift of a chance at reconciliation!!!!
I want you to do me a favor. Next time you are with your spouse and the demons creep in, stop, take a deep breath and remember the rest of us out here. Remember FOBD who is now going on day 8 with no contact from W. Think about where you were and where you could be and then focus on the goal at hand. Take your spouse by the hand, just look them in the eyes and say nothing while you smile like a drunken fool. While you smile, continue to think about where you were, where you are now and where you might be if you hadn't tried so hard to get to where you are now. Then just enjoy the moment. So many of us out here are living through the two of you. And, some of us will never get to where you are now. Give that a thought next time you want to jump the gun or act out toward your spouse.
Just a little 2x4 from your old friend. Now, get out there and keep up the good work!!! The BITS are counting on you to lead the way!
BITS never walk alone!!
FOBD
Nothing to add but this should be a very good motivation for you. Always remember where you have been and where you are now. Never get comfortable and find yourself here again.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
I can't tell you how HAPPY I am for you. Just becareful and don't talk about the R right now at all. You already know that yall are working on it. So, just do that...work on it. This is the hard part...
You gotta stay focused on changing you in order to keep your wife in the game with you. She has to keep seeing this change about you.
Your Wife has a lot going on right now. So, just keep being her rock and working towards the goal in mind. Her coming HOME soon. When she is ready again, she will bring it up. Right?
Denver, your doing such a great job friend. I'm so proud of you. Just stay on track...
Thanks Dixie. I know. I just have bouts of impatience.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You guys are right. I will say that the further you progress with this stuff, it doesn't get any easier... just... different.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver Maybe it's time to sit down and write a new list of goals. Update your old one. Things that more appropriately pertain to your current standing. This may help to guide you and keep you patient. Rushing my reconciliation was one of my biggest mistakes last summer. This is a trying ordeal on them too. They are testing the waters to see if they can trust you with there heart again. No small task. Had I only known about DBing, I feel confident I wouldn't be here now. Good luck my friend.
What's going on Denver? You struggling with where to go next? I just wanted to give you some support. Maybe you should take a look at your threads from a month ago to see how far you've come recently.
You're not over the mountain .... but you can see the top and climb it if you choose.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
I read somewhere else that when you reconcile, don't count of the fact that your spouse will have changed. You are getting your old spouse back, and they may even be worse for wear at that time, damaged and worn out by the crisis they have been through.
On the other hand, us LBS have gone through the darkest time in our life but we would not be here, waiting, not giving up hope had we not found ourselves. All of us agree we get out of this sitch a much BETTER person.
We have to be patient and wait for our H or W to come back, and we still have a lot of work to do. We have to lead them out of the darkness they are in as well, carefully, so as not to lose them. The fact that they are back, or have signified wanting to work on the M, is just a beginning. They have a long way to go, and we are ahead of them, thus it is upon us to still be the lighthouse.
The advice that everyone gives here is that the best way, maybe the only way, to do this is by example. Taking things slowly, using your best judgement, not being demanding .... maybe those are good things to start with.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
One word of caution and not to put a negative slant. If there was an OM or Ow. They have to get them out to their system as well. When My W came back in July , she kept telling me to go slow with her and not to push her. And I did, and kept going slow at a snails pace in fact. The fact was, she was still having affair , unbeknonst to be me.
My point is , yes, we need to take it slow when recon occurs but also be on the look out for sincerity. My W was stalling when she came back and there was no progress. I think we have to be sure they are coming back for the right reasons, that they want to work on the marriage and not because they are insecure about the future or just need us for security.
Just Saying
9 BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
