Piecing is almost harder than before...

[MrBond]

"Also, I don't know how to square that with my w telling me to "stop trying to know what [she's] thinking or doing or feeling." ideas?"

You do it by not telling her that you understand her. You do it through your actions. When you act impatient, it shows that you don't know what she's feeling. When she opens up to you, you just sit and listen. Women don't want solutions (usually). They open up just to be heard. Show her you're listening by nodding your head, asking questions, etc. But don't offer suggestions unless she asks for them.

Never tell her what she's thinking is wrong. Be the friend she can open up to first, then the physical will follow. Show her you're strong enough to be there for her. That she can be "safe" around you.