That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Link to previous thread (hope it works):
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2123337#Post2123337][/url]

Well, I’m hoping I’ve avoided a disaster last night and when I sat back to reflect, I’m not really sure it was quite as bad as what it appeared at first. Last night, while my S and I were out grocery shopping, D was home supposedly doing her homework, she got onto my computer where I had been typing a DB post and updating on events and she found what I was working on.

Although she understood most of what was there, she misinterpreted one part of the message and got angry and sent what I had written to H on FB. Here is the message she sent:

"Thanks Seeking. Had a great chat with D last night too. She opened up to me regarding her Birthday party, that the OW ended up attending. I was honest with her and told her that I was somewhat hurt that she invited OW to her party. I explained to her that I was telling her this, not to make her feel bad but that I didn't want any secrets between us because I know that things are difficult for all of us right now and we all need to trust eachother right now and not hold things in.

She went on to explain to me that she did not invite OW to her party, but rather that H asked if OW could attend, (only if it was ok with D). She said H went on to say after all OW bought D for her B-day and all she did to help with cake and things. D told me she felt bad and didn't want to make OW feel bad so she agreed to allow her to come to the party but she really wanted to have me there instead. I told her it was ok and I understood and I didn't want her to feel torn. I didn't say it was unfair of H to put her in that situation, although I really do feel it was. He is not making the best decisions right now and I will make sure I keep that communication open with the kids. H & OW are really pushing the relationship with D and eventually I believe this will backfire." – this was what she found that I was writing

"This is D speeking right now I read this and daddy is so not a backfire mommy. I care what you two say to eachother. NO MORE FIGHTING agreed if you get mad at me I don’t care. Don’t say mean stuff to one anothor any more if you do then I’ll run away for two weeks. Now you two won’t like that now will you so just stop fighting and I mean I’ll run away for TWO WEEKS I MEAN IT SO STOP WITH THE BAD WORDS AND I’LL GO LIVE WITH FRIEND IF IT’S OK with her parents for two weeks and I will not talk to you two for those whole two weeks from D…"

H responded with the following:
"Hi Sweetie, I haven't said anything mean to your mom at all, I'm not sure who she wrote this to, but it's ok for her to have her feelings. She didn't say anything really bad to me here, she's just saying what she feels. Please don't feel bad or like you need to run away, and you can call me anytime you like.
Love,
Daddy"

I don't believe she talked to him at all before I got home and she did not for the rest of the evening.

I was upset and I let her know and she apologized and said she didn’t understand what the backfire thing meant so she got upset and thought it was a name I was calling H. Once I finished putting groceries away, I explained to her that I was upset that she didn’t phone me or wait to talk to me and that she sent that message to her Daddy. I went on to explain that the message wasn’t written to Daddy and it was just me writing stuff down that I felt to get it off my chest. I also tried to explain the backfire thing as best I could without saying anything mean about H or OW. I went on to say that I think H is having a hard time right now too and because of that, he isn’t necessarily making the best decisions. The whole thing seemed to calm down after that. It also opened the door for her to tell me more things about how she is feeling which is so important for her right now.

I was worried H may find the DB postings hence why I changed my screen name. This is not about him … this is about me and my new screen name is my constant reminder of that. I guess at the end of it all, H will have discovered that I realize he is manipulating his 11 year old D. Not a very appealing trait and the more I see him, the more of these unpleasant characteristics shine through.

[Cadet]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2123337#Post2123337

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[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you Cadet for fixing my link. It's been a good couple of days and I find I'm more and more detached from H and all his drama, lying, etc. Between work, my exercise routine, kids sports and a couple of other distractions (wink wink), I have been doing very well.

I still worry about the kids and how they are handling things and they open up more and more everyday. I'm dealing with what I can control and supporting them as much as I can that way. As far as their relationships with H, well, that's his and their business, not mine and I keep reminding myself and them of that.

[MeMyselfandI]

Got a text from H today asking that I have the kids call him. I'm don't know, (don't really care either) if he has spoken to them all week, if he's back in town or what the deal is. He has never had to contact me to get a hold of the kids as he has always been able to call our home phone but I had it disconnected this week as there was no point in continuing to pay for a service that never really got used, (aside from convenience for him to be able to contact the kids). On top of saving money, he will also get to know what it feels like to have to go through me to contact the kids which I have put up with for almost a year.

D was at a sleepover and S and I were out so I told S that H wanted him to call. S said, I'll call him when D gets home, (translated into, I don't really want to talk to him but D will so this will mean I can get off the phone sooner). I sent text back to H saying that D was at sleepover and S says he'll call when she gets back.

[Truegritter]

if he has spoken to them all week, if he's back in town or what the deal is.

It seems by your register date you've been at this a while.

It is unfortunate that your D saw your post and reacted to it.

I would share a great piece of advice with you if you haven't already seen it.

Keep the children out of it.

It is not your job to repair the realtionship with their father it is your job not to damage it.

Your assumption that your D invited OW to party was step in a pile...

Wipe it off and move forward.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Sometimes our pain and anger clouds our judgment.

Best thing is to push the pain and anger out of the situation.

Easier said than done but what better reason to motivate you than you D. And her wellbeing through this tragedy.

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you True, I have read many of your posts and really respect your opinion and am very grateful that you have read mine. I understand what you are saying but H and I had a controntation, (of course, initiated by me), in which he told me in no uncertain terms that D invited OW to her party. I simply apologized at the time as I had accused him of not giving D her special day without distractions. In the long run, I have learned that H lied about what really happened and I responded by talking to D about honesty throughout this entire thing.

I know what you are saying to leave the kids out and I am certainly not trying to manipulate by any stretch but I do really strive for some honesty here between the kids and I because I know they are struggling. I have reiterated with them, time and time again that their relationship with their dad is theirs and theirs alone but I'm also really trying to assist them. I welcome any and all advice on how to go about this and really appreciate your feedback.

[Truegritter]

I know what you are saying to leave the kids out and I am certainly not trying to manipulate by any stretch but I do really strive for some honesty here between the kids and I because I know they are struggling.

Don't rely on his...

That would be a mistake.

Rely instead on your own honesty and truth.

Remember what you are doing here...

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks True, you are so right about not relying on his honesty. I've learned that lesson and don't care to again so I I guess I should have maybe trusted my instincts on the b-day party and known that D really would have wanted me there without anything having to be said.

I will continue to be there for the kids and lend an ear when they need it while continuing to be cautious to not help nor hinder their relationship with H.

Will have to see H today for the first time in a week at kid's soccer game. I'll be sure to get there early so I can be on the track and will only have to see him from a distance.

[MeMyselfandI]

Wow, what a few days it's been. Everything was ticking along according to plans, me doing my exercise, detaching and really just getting on with MY plans. Saw H on Saturday at soccer, stuck to my plan. Saw him again on Sunday at hockey and soccer ... again, stuck to my plan. We didn't really talk much, jsut a couple of short exchanges about kid's things. I really only saw him very briefly as I was on the track for most of it. Sunday, at soccer, he was sitting in the stands by himself and looked kinda sad but I really didn't read much into it. OW hadn't been around hockey at all but I knew they had been out of town last week, (likely together - didn't really know, didn't really care).

So, went to kid's hockey last night and H was there. I helped with skates and told the kids I'd be back to get them as I had a few things to do. H offered to drop them off after but I said it was OK, I'd be back.

Went to the track and did another walk for an hour, stopped by the store briefly then back to the rink. OW hasn't been around the last couple of ice times which I found kind of odd but didn't really give it too much thought. H said good bye to the kids and left before they finished undressing. Seemed to be in a bit of a hurry.

Kids and I went home, I had a great chat with an old friend, cleaned up a bit and went to bed with the kids around 9 pm. I forgot to shut my ringer off on my phone and around 10 pm, I heard H's text tone - my phone was in my en suite charging and since I had the kids, I figured it wasn't urgent so I rolled over and went back to sleep. Around 11 I got up to go to the bathroom and checked my phone while I was there.

H: We should really get together and talk about D, are you free for lunch sometime this week?

We have not been out for lunch, or anywhere alone together since November 09! I wrote back asking what was up. We got into a very long text exchange starting with the message D had sent him on FB regarding the OW going to her B-day party. The long and the short of the text exchanges was H apologizing for making bad decisions, telling me he has come to his senses and ended it with OW and that he realized how stupid he was being that he realizes he made many mistakes and screwed up. I simply reiterated that I have talked with D and we are fine and that I have made it very clear to D that her relationship with H is not my business and that it is up to them to figure it out. Aside from telling him I was bitter that I missed D's 11th B-day party and that I will never get that back but that I was over it ... I showed no emotion whatsoever in the exchange. Talk of our R never came up.

Towards the end of the exchange, I tell him how hard I have been working with the kids on open and honest communication and say: "Somtimes you have to show them your wounds, (carefully), before they will show you theirs." H responds saying they will see his soon enough as he broke it off with OW but is still upset over it. I tell him I'm so sorry for him, it must be tough. Everytime I think I've sent him the last text, he responds with something to keep the conversation going. He asks me if I've been dating to which I respond yes (I have gone out on quite a few dates - nothing serious - just enjoying company). He asks all kinds of questions about that - I'm very vague with my responses. He goes on to say he's noticed me really looking after my appearance, I look great and he's noticed me walking the track a lot.

Well, this text exchange went on for just over two hours and it eventually leads to him coming to the house shortly after 1 in the morning and you can guess what happened from there. It has been over a year since we have physically touched on another in any way, shape or form. He finally left around 4 am - we were extremely careful not to get caught by the kids as that would have been a disaster! When he gets back to his place, he sends me a text thanking me and a few more flirty texts and one asking if he will ever get that chance again. I respond saying I'm not commited right now so it is possible. He says, well, I have no commitments right now either, this could work out good. He again is keeping up with the texting till I finally say that I have to go to bed ... someone has to make sure the kids make it to school in the morning.

Sent him a text this am just saying wake up. A couple of brief exchanges and that's all I've heard.

So, my plan from here:
1. NO EXPECTATIONS
2. Carry on as if nothing happened - don't change a thing from what I have been doing
3. Keep focussing on me and the kids
4. Do not contact him and maybe wait a little to respond when he makes contact

Looking for feedback, advice and breathing room/space/time! I totally didn't expect any of this, it's come completely out of the blue!

[courageous wife]

"Wow" is right!

So, my plan from here:
1. NO EXPECTATIONS
2. Carry on as if nothing happened - don't change a thing from what I have been doing
3. Keep focussing on me and the kids
4. Do not contact him and maybe wait a little to respond when he makes contact

I think this sounds like a good plan! Whatever you are doing, re:going on with your life, is working!

Be prepared for him to go dark for awhile as they seem to do after a peek out of the tunnel!