Karen, T2 tells it like it is! But, it is the truth, sometimes it's not all about what we want and our selfishness. I agree and I've asked myself those questions she has posted to you. And that is why I'm changing my attitude. I didn't like the old me and I'm sure that is why my H went and found someone who was nicer...
Think it over, then you decide. My experience is; if you push, they will go!
Don't think that I disagree with you, because I don't. I know I am being extremely stubborn and difficult. I obviously am struggling. Struggling with any morsel of love that I have for myself.
I don't know what I need right now. I want to be far, far away. H is going away for work for a few days this week. We are supposed to go out tonight, but I don't know what will happen. I want to dissappear. I want to die. I just have no faith or hope right now. OK, I have a little.
You are too focused on your H, drop the rope girl! This doesn't mean to get a D either. Get a life!
You are depressed heck we all have been there, we all still go there!
I remember days feeling the same way as you do. I called it, "crawling into my cave". I remember have I felt, don't want to go there again! This too will pass, and you will have better days. Not so many depressed days. Work on you and take the focus off of your H.
Don't look so desparate even though that is the way you feel. "act as if" you will get through this, you will. The faster you heal you, the faster you can heal your M. So come on, girl, let's get crackin'.
Karen, I hope I wasn't too hard on you when we chatted. As you can see, I AM where you are headed. I am separated, my H is with OW. So, I've learned the hard way... and it is a painfully hard way.
Have I posted these dos and don'ts? I hope you did get to Starbucks and B&N and got DR or DB and started to read again. Honey, we all feel your pain. And we all know that this can be fixed, you can feel better, but you have to stop doing the same old behaviors and aim right for the cheese. Even a rat will quit going down cheeseless tunnels.
You are a smart woman... you have already written your goals, what you need to do. Now all you need it to do it.
We are here for you. We don't want you to feel like dying. We want you to live life, and live it abundantly with your H who loves you.
MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DBing 1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy. 4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up. and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident, and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject.
MANDATORY DON'TS 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than half of what ou see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared. 4. Do not give up no matter how dark it is of how bad you feel. 5. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
Hang in there. Listen to the wise words spoken here on the bb. And if you don't listen to me, cause I don't have the answers, listen to Jan, or Tal, or Sage...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, good news... Yesterday I went to the mall and got a new copy of DR. I had some lunch and started reading. Prior to this, h came home from work and rather than deciding to stay home so I could be with him, I told him I was going. He said he was going to his 'rents', so I thought I'd have the house to myself for a little while, but when I got home, he was home. He was starting to snooze, so I climbed in and fell asleep too.
I got up first and made dinner. (Aren't you proud?) Then he asked what we were doing. I prepared ahead of time and told him about a couple bands at local bars. We took a chance and went to see someone we have never seen. I thought they were pretty good, h is a critic, but liked some of their stuff. H also asked if I wanted to play pool, but we just went to see the band. He contributed to the decision making. I was trying to be gentle and not bi!chy about making the plan. we had a good time, he initiated a lot of convo!! We left there and he asked if I wanted to go anywhere else. I asked like where, and he named a few places! I picked one and we went to have one more drink. We then went home. I, oc, always want , but figured it would be best not to push it and chill out some. So, I snuggled up to him and we fell asleep. This morn I initiated and it was just peachy.
WE decided to go out to bfast and again, had a nice time. We have been goofing around and playing/wrestling, etc. which makes us laff. He went to his friend's and I am supposed to get together with one of my ff's. I want to go to church this eve. too and must just do it, and not want to just sit around home waiting for h to do something with me.
He is going to cincinnatti from mon morn to wed eve for work, and told me he is going out wed. night. I said OK! (like just fine!) Last night I could tell that I wanted to nit-pick, like he didn't shave (and he always does when he goes out with his friends) and stupid stuff like that, but I backed off mentally and focused on the +, like him helping to make the plan and initiating convo.
After bfast I climbed back into bed b/c I was freezing. he came in and asked why I didn't put the other blanket on and put it on me!!! Woah!!! this is way diff. for him, and THEN as he left, I got up and he asked what I was doing. I said I had to get my phone. He goes, "i thought you were cold. I would have gotten it for you." WHAT??? Dang, this boy is just full of good stuff!!
YIPPEE!!! Now, oc, I must continue to be nice and keep on this upswing as I want him to perhaps miss me while he is away and not be GLAD that he is getting away from me. He seemed a little dissapointed that he is not going out for 25 cent cocktail shrimps and wings w/me and my fam. tomorrow. I said, there are more mondays!
Holdingon gave me some good whacks yesterday which is helping me maintain. She kept telling me that he DOES love me. Well, when I look at him, or catch him looking at me, I think, "yeah, he really does, b/c damn, I sure put him through the ringer." and yes, he does have these long convo's with me (even tho I shouldn't even be going there).
What are you doing differently? What things have you changed and why have you changed them? What 180's are you doing? What I should be doing differently: accept h for who he is, quit nagging, get off his back, quit being conditional and having expectations and feeling like he owes me. Biggest 180 would be for me to shut my mouth. Also, not pressuring him to have sex & letting it happen more naturally.
We left there and he asked if I wanted to go anywhere else. I asked like where, and he named a few places! I picked one and we went to have one more drink. We then went home. I, oc, always want 
, but figured it would be best not to push it and chill out some. So, I snuggled up to him and we fell asleep. This morn I initiated