Hi all. I just got the book this weekend and read it all. I need some support. Here is my story...
For 13 years (15 years together) I have not been the best husband. I was disrepectfull, lazy, selfish, and crude. I never helped around the house (inside or out) and never really did anything to help shoulder the load. I played video games(addicted) and ignored my wife. We did have some wonderful times and were in love with each other. For the past few years, we both have been in a deep depression.
Recently, my wife has been communicating with a man she met while working. They text each other excessively. I confronted her about it and she said there was nothing there, that he was a friend (I believe her). A few days later, she tells me one night that she did think it was excessive and that she thinks she was looking for something she wasn't getting at home. That opened my eyes. I started paying her more attention. We had an argument a few days after and was ill with each other for a week. She came to me and told me that if this was to work out, I needed to change some things. Here was the second eye opener. I decided right then to change my lifestyle. I stared cleaning and picking things up without being asked. I spent more time with her. We made love after years of not. She told me this was the closest she felt to me in years. I was falling in love with her all over again. Then, on Sunday Feb 13, I played a game while waiting for her to get ready for us to go out. She confronted me about it (going back in the habit of playing) and I agreed I shouldn't and was going to quit all the games. She said she didn't want me to quit what made me happy. It went back and forth like that for a minute, and I made the stupidest comment to try to end the conversation so we could go enjoy each others company. I said "Games do really make me happy". Her best friend told me that this was when she went "numb". The next day, I could tell something was different. She went out for coffee with this other guy she met that was getting a divorce. I came home on wednesday (hoping to make love again) to her telling me it was over.
I have pleaded for counseling, or for her to just seperate so she can sort this out. She doesn't want any of that. She said she has to do this for her. She still loves me but doesn't have anything left to give. She is going to move out as soon as we refinance the house and she can get some equity.
I am trying to use what I learned in the book, I am trying to leave her alone and not constantly be there with her. She doesn't come home anymore because it is hard for her to be around me (akward was her word). Unfortunately, this same guy she had coffee with is her biggest support person now. They have text over 850 times two weeks and talked over 3 hours. She told me she isn't doing anything with him (again, I believe her) but I am worried that this support will turn to romance.
I moved my pillows and items into the spare bedroom so she can have the master instead of the couch (which she wanted to sleep on). She did say that it is hard for her to sleep in our bed.
I am living "as if" things will work out for us. What are the odds if we do get divorced that we can still work it out? I am in utter pain (I know I did this). What else can I do?
B
Me: 38 Her 44 M 13y T 15y No kids together Step Children S22 D19 Bomb dropped 2/16/11
Just a quick message to say welcome to the boards and to bump your thread a little.
It sounds like your W is caught up in an EA (emotional affair) and is seeking to end her R with you in order to pursue it.
You have a tough road ahead of you and lot of work to put in, plus you require a solid plan to stick to. For now it is important that you stay calm and do not pursue her, beg, plead etc. Do not rage on her and push her further away either.
I will check back with you soon, when I have a little more time. Hopefully some other vets will visit this thread and offer their advice also.
How much you get out of this site depends on what you are willing to put into it. If you keep coming back and posting updates, your thread will get attention. If you let it fade away, you will get none.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Thanks, Spellfire. I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to start over with my wife. I am more then willing to deal with the pain as I know MY actions in our marriage is why we are at this point.
You're going to have to stop playing those damned games get rid of them. From one recovering addict to another.
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She told me she isn't doing anything with him (again, I believe her) but I am worried that this support will turn to romance.
It's a good bet, if you keep pushing her.
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I have pleaded for counseling,
You read the book? That pleading part is not in there. And is not attractive either way.
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I moved my pillows and items into the spare bedroom so she can have the master instead of the couch (which she wanted to sleep on). She did say that it is hard for her to sleep in our bed.
Just making sure I read this right... She wants to sleep on the couch...she does, she doesn't like the bed, but instead you took the couch?
So...why is that?
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Her best friend told me that this was when she went "numb".
Her best friend...is not your best friend, right now? Maybe a little, maybe trying to help you guys, down the road? Not so much. Don't try and get info from her.
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What are the odds...?
ALL the odds here are affected by what you do or do not do. All of them. Read the book and post here, gather support.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You're going to have to stop playing those damned games get rid of them. From one recovering addict to another.
I have thrown every game away and deleted them from my computers.
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It's a good bet, if you keep pushing her.
You are right...I might not have helped myself in that area last night either...will explain below.
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You read the book? That pleading part is not in there. And is not attractive either way.
This was before the I got the book. Now, every conversation is calm and not as emotional.
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I moved my pillows and items into the spare bedroom so she can have the master instead of the couch (which she wanted to sleep on). She did say that it is hard for her to sleep in our bed.
Just making sure I read this right... She wants to sleep on the couch...she does, she doesn't like the bed, but instead you took the couch?
So...why is that?
This is how wonderful this woman is. She wants me to be more comfortable then she is. I gave her the master bedroom so she has a retreat from me. She doesn't come home until late at night because she has knots/butterflies in her stomach around me. I took one of our spare bedrooms to give her space. She is sleeping in the bed, but it just reminds her that it is "our" bed.
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Her best friend told me that this was when she went "numb".
Her best friend...is not your best friend, right now? Maybe a little, maybe trying to help you guys, down the road? Not so much. Don't try and get info from her.
Her best friend contacted me and wanted to talk. I told her that I won't put her in the middle of all of this.
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What are the odds...?
ALL the odds here are affected by what you do or do not do. All of them. Read the book and post here, gather support.
Yesterday, we put our dog down (11 years). It was very hard on both of us. When we left the vet, I asked her if she was coming home tonight to which she replied yes. Well, I went home and cleaned the house for 3 hours (first time ever). She didn't come home until 9:30. When the dogs let me know she had come home, I retired to my spare bedroom. She came in and asked me how I was. I told her that I had to grieve by myself. I told her that I was dissapointed with her for not telling me she wasn't coming home. I said "what if I wanted to go do something and thought you would be here to take care of the dogs". She agreed that it was wrong of her to do and she will text or call me with her plans.
I told her that I had talked with several people and that I thought she was having an emotional affair with this guy. She again said they are not doing anything. She never denied it though. I asked her if he might be the reason she isn't giving this a chance and she said no, that she had been thinking about this for a year. I asked if the last time we sat down and she told me what I needed to do for this to work, if she had already decided then...She said yes. She did say that she loves me but not what a husband and wife should be and didn't think that was fair to me.
After that we talked about her finances and how hard it will be for her. Of course I told her I would give her whatever she needed. After that, we talked about small things, she gave me a hug and went to bed.
This morning, she came to wake me up. We made some small talk and also about some of the things she will need for her apartment. I asked her to explain how it was awkward being around me. It turns out it's more of a nervousness/knots/butterflies feeling. I then took care of the dogs, she finished getting ready, told me she was leaving, said I love you, and left for work.
Now...I am pretty sure this divorce is going to happen. But I will continue to practice what I have learned in the book (I know this is contradictory to "as if"). I want her to be happy and know that WHEN she gets to know the new permanent me, she will like it. I know she sees the changes I am making. She just needs to take care of herself first. I am praying everyday and know God will take care of me either way.
Please help me with this one. She texts this guy all day and night. It's like she's transposed her feelings for me to him. I feel like I have no chance with him in the picture.
You are going to have to let go of this. You cannot control what she does. You can only control what you do. You have the same chance we all do when we come here. You have the books, the tools must be personalised to your situation. The tools work, the strategies work, do what works.
Yes it's counter intuitive, yes it's internally wrenching to do things that go against your natural proclivities.
I am sure my H is having an EA. Can I do anything about it, no absolutely not. All I can do is be MORE attractive to him than what he's settling for.
I'm the banquet, anyone else isn't going to compare as I make the changes I need to be the best me possible. I have a connection that's unbreakable, and a history with my H.
You share in this.
Be the banquet.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Brian: sorry to task this. Hope i am not intruding too much.
So you play a lot of games. But you also mentioned that you guys made love after 1 year?
Is there a reason why your sex life was down? You also mentioned that both of you were depressed. Any reason?
Thats because i dont think your wife decided to leave just because of your video game addiction. Maybe there's something else underneath that was eating the relationship.
See I had a horrible addiction to hobbies. I had tons of hobbies. R/C, metalworking, woodworking, model trains, you name it. But underneath i was depressed. Depressed that our relationship was going down the drain. I did not actively try to improve the relationship. Now my wife did hate me having all these hobbies. When she left i wondered if my hobbies were a reason. In a way they were a reason. Hobbies kept me from working on my relationship.
So it would be good to analyze to see if there was something else that could a big reason for your wife walking out.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
