Fun in My Future...

[Underdog]

Karen,

I'm still here. Your post was so agonizing to read. I'm so sorry you're so hurt and unhappy.

I have to tell you that I've been reading your posts for awhile, and we have much in common. I just didn't know about this place before Mr. Wonderful departed for his paradise in apartment living--if I had been posting, you could have seen this same progression in my life as well.

Right down to Mr. Wonderful's big downhill slide with his DUI last October and my issues with being the designated driver 100% of the time.

What I have now is some great hindsight. I now realize that my needs were not being met--I was in a similar spot as you are right now. Feeling like low priority on his list and wondering if and when I would ever get off the roller coaster.

I even planned my exit in 1999 because I was so miserable.

Then last summer, after coming very close to a PA (and definitely an EA--because I was seeking out friendships with men to fill the void that Mr. Wonderful had left), I decided it was high time to figure out why I was so unhappy.

I spent 9 months with my therapist and finally confronted some very big issues I had been carting around in the form of baggage.

And then the knowledge gained here... all I can say is I wish I found you guys sooner.

A big part of my unhappiness was projecting to him how unhappy I was because he didn't prioritize me the way I wanted to be prioritized. I really like the 5LL--and Mr. Wonderful did not speak mine. Nor did I speak his.

We began to keep score, filling in the scoreless periods with resentment and anger.

So after all my crazymaking episodes--many which included the statement, "What do we have left with each other? Why not just get it over with and divorce?"--I realized that I was actually planting seeds in his mind to validate the fact that we were miserably married.

Is it possible for you to find DB/DR again and head back to the drawing board with a beginner's mind? I see so much of myself in your posts, and that hurts so much. I hurt for you, Karen. I really mean that.

I'm certainly not telling you that you need counseling... I finally had to do it because I felt dead inside and broken. And I was finally ready to face my demons.

Your H sounds a little like mine in the sort of passive-aggressive interaction he has with you. From where I sit, I think your H just genuinely doesn't understand what is wrong... therefore, he is clueless to how to go about trying to fix things.

So if that means that it's you who has to fix things, I'd love to help. I hope you don't have to separate to get this, Karen. Because it's a sucky road and one that I wouldn't wish on an enemy.

So where to start... first of all, your H does not have the power to make you unhappy. He can do things that you interpret as "Karen-inciters" but he can't make you feel that way.

Assume that I'm right, even though you don't want to believe me. If the above is true, what are you doing or not doing that is preventing you from being happy?

I realize the rocky road in your M is not helping things, so please don't feel I'm trying to invalidate you.

I'll start the thoughts for you. I felt unhappy because I was carrying around my fear of abandonment. I had been left by every person who I loved, and it became a way of life for me. At some point, I started acting as if they were going to leave... that is, I started to give them a reason to do so.

That took me a whole long time to not only figure out, but to stop acting as if. And I had to pay someone to help me figure out what I was previously unwilling to confront.

Okay, now it's off to bed. I hope you can get some good sleep to give you a more clear perspective. And I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.

Big hugs.

Betsey