Hello, this is not going to be a happy post. I feel so desolate, so hopeless, I don't think I can go on like this.
I feel like throwing in the towel. I just cannot f'in do this. Tonight h called me while i was on my way home from work saying that his friend called him and asked him to go out. I asked if he wanted to and he said he would like to. I told him that if he wanted to, he should. There was a lot of silence. He told me he was giving me a chance to speak my piece. He asked if this was going to be a problem. I said that I felt dissappointed, that I feel like this is representative of our r. That he has the energy/effort (or something like that) for his friends, but not for me. I told him I was not going to tell him what to do. I got home, and he knew I was upset, oc. We talked-and talked for 4 hours. He gets frustrated, withdrawn. We talk about some money issues/and how we are going to go on vaca. (I tried to talk about this the other night, but thought he made a comment to shut me up. I said, how are we going to plan for vaca financially? He said that that is 9 months away and he is not going to worry about it now. I didn't want to pursue the convo b/c we were on the way to the nye party.) He says that I should have asked him more pointedly what he meant. Is he paying? am I? are we both? etc...should we save per month...
I am tired of feeling like he just doesn't have the energy for me. I am tired of not feeling and hearing that I am important to him. I want him to be sensitive and caring towards me and my feelings, but it just ain't there. I told him I am tired of being holed up in the house. He is reluctant to go out with me. I say that he needs to give me a chance, that he is expecting me to fail and how can we continue/get better if he expects me to fail. I am tired of being afraid to speak my mind b/c I am afraid I will push him away or make him mad.
I feel like telling him to live his own life and let me know when he wants to work on the r. Is this wrong? A bad idea? I just feel like I want to hear kind words from him, but he has nothing to give. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing for him. I am tired of him making assumptions about me and he's tired of me making assumptions about him. He thinks that he is not that hard to talk to. I say that he assumes that just because I cry a little, I am going to go off the deep end. Neither of us has any faith in the other.
Maybe I should be appreciative that he is still with me and that he spends time with me on the couch, but I want more for this r. I do not want to sit around all the time. Perhaps I should just do a LOT more things w/o him including going out on the weekends. If he doesn't think that he can have fun with me, then what's the point?
I want him to communicate with me, but it seems like I am pulling teeth, banging my head up against the wall.
He stopped our discussion and went to take a shower, etc. He asked if I was "done" and I said I didn't know. He then sat in the bedroom. He said he thought if he left me alone I would straighten myself out. Well, as I have asked him a million times, I just want a hug. I want to feel closure. I said that he is the one that likes to be left alone, not me. He said I could have a hug, but did not move. OK, I want him to GIVE me a hug. What happened to that sweet guy that I married? He's gone, and I don't like this guy.
Well, I love him, but I want some compassion. I guess this may sound controlling, and I know he doesn't want to be bullied into giving me my way. But he DID show me one side of him and we had discussions about what's important to me in an r before we got married. He agreed that he wanted to do these things. Well, is it all my fault that he is completely withholding of emo's? I take it that he is not committed to our r.
I want to get better and have fun again, etc., but I feel so limited b/c he is so afraid to do anything with me. He then said that he would do more if we conserved some money and ate more at home. I told he could have told me that. I often offer to cook, he says he doesn't care, so I say, OK, let's go out. So, he can't blame me entirely.
I know that I am supposed to be re-reading DR, but I lent it out and the neighboring bookstores are out of it. I may have to travel tomorrow to get it. How many 2X4s do I deserve? I know I said this before, but I just don't know how to go on not feeling like I am important to him and that he wants to put effort into this. I feel like I am on trial and that I can do no right. I am the worst f'in actor. I'm sorry, but I have NEVER been able to hide my true emotions. I just don't think I can fake this. I'm unhappy. I've created this mess, he thinks I should fix it. How do I fix the sandcastle without any sand???
