When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[MichelleLT]

Actually doing it is so difficult.

Of course. We all understand why you feel that way. We've all fought with this in our own situations. So think about your method. Would a letter or e-mail be better (it would obviously be easier for you to get the words all ironed out and not have to say them)? Would he be more receptive or less?

Not a subject I think I should bring up at dinner. Maybe drinks afterward? I'm going to need liquid courage.

Definitely not before. You don't want to ruin the evening. You want to do it at a time you are both relaxed with some good times under your belt. After is definitely a possibility, especially since he usually works later and so shouldn't be too exhausted to talk. But definitely don't do this with too much liquid courage or you'll end up getting even more emotional about it. I find I get more verbose when drinking, and that goes against how to communicate with guys.

You know all this, but I'll remind us all anyways. Short and to the point. "I feel" "I think" statements, no blaming statements. Ask for what you want, don't assume he won't give it (and definitely don't assume he can't, because he most certainly can), and don't try and address everything all at once.

((((((Mishka))))))

Put some notes on your mirror this week like we've been talking about. Get all this stuff written down and out of your head. Don't let yourself think negatively about this.

Coming Home

I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I'm about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You've had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you've been fighting for your marriage, you've had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you'll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It just means you're human.

The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.

Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he's decided to end, as much as you'd like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it's unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don't assume he's second-guessing himself. Don't assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense give him "permission" to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that feeling sad when you end something is normal. It is. don't make anything more out of it than it is.

But don't lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven't they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don't blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You've gotten this far, you can reach your end goal...a loving marriage. Just hang in there.

This part really seemed to hit the nail on the head. It's funny because I find it very applicable to me, even in a new relationship, because I am still working through all the baggage that the PA, S, and D left me with.

I still have one more phone-session with a DB coach left that I paid for long ago - if we can figure out a way to transfer it, it's yours.

Wow! I always knew there were great people on here, but this just reaffirms to me what a wonderful community this is!