maybe it's just because i am tired of stepping lightly on the eggshells, but if he needed to be told, so be it
could you have been gentler in because of this sitch? maybe but heck, you are human and if you can't live your life worrying if every little rise in voice is going to cause him to move out
believe me i am in the same place
and this is hard
but we cannot lose ourselves in this process
i am sure, you didn't backslide
men don't want a nag (i hate that word) but... no one wants a doormat either, you know?
Counseling is out of the question. He refuses and I'm not going to push it.
I asked him out on the date. That didn't go so well. Forgot to mention that. I mean he said yes but you know it was like when the TSA people ask if they can give you a colonoscopy. I mean you say yes, BUT really you don't have a choice.
Now, we spent a lot of time this weekend hanging out and not talking about R issues. But for us, that wall is still there. coaster.
Lost, you tell him to call me!!! I was the spouse that made fun of counseling. By the end, I was going alone and my W had quit. This was after she threatened to leave if we didn't go to counseling. I will give him the 4-1-1 on folks who think counseling is a waste of time!!
Hang in there. I know he is up and down right now, so you are going to have to be the one to keep things level. Try to let go of your anger for now and maybe he will too. The first long conversation I had with my W before she tricked me into what she needed started off angry. But, when I went calm, she followed.
Ahhh, so the date didn't go so well. So what? No one ever scores on their very first attempt (well, except for that kid this weekend that won the Daytona 500... but that was an freak accident.)
I am so excited that he is home. Remember, the real work begins now. Reconciliation will be just as tough or tougher than the separation.
Don't think he didn't notice your little parade this morning. Men always notice and LOVE things like that!!!!
Keep us updated. I will be waiting to hear about how things are going. Take care!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I was kind of hoping that Gypsy, Grr and I could get together, take him out back and beat the snot out of him. Not a good plan???
Grr... thanks for the encouragement! You know what? I think you might be right. He kissed me this morning!!! I think he's not exactly sure what to do with the patient me who allows him to walk all over me. Yesterday, the old me was there and maybe he kind of liked that?? Who knows. At least I got a kiss!!!! Man, I'm pathetic!
FOBD - yeah, I wish I could have him call you too... Knock some sense into him.
I have to be honest with you folks. When this all really started breaking down, it was easier for me to detach. I didn't like my H in the least. I thought he was an absolute creep. And I really questioned my sanity most days about even fighting for this marriage. But through this process and because he seems to be coming out of his shell little by little, I have really learned just how in love with him I am. That's a little scary for me right now because I am afraid of being vulnerable. I still want to take him out back and beat him, but I love him.
Today, I have red on. My favorite color. Makes me happy!
First, THANK YOU for being here for me. You always make me feel better.
So, to the bus. at hand...
I'm soooo over the moon that H in back! I'm so happy to know that you are working hard to change your heart. I know it's so frustrating. But, don't forget it took sometime for your M to break down. It's gonna take time for it to be built back up again.
You have such a wonderful chance here. Just stay on course and be SUPER patient! That's the hardest part I know. I learned the hard way and it blew up. Keep asking GOD to change your heart, to show you how to be a loving and GODly wife.
Your H is coming out of his shell because, of the things that you are doing differently. I know its slow...but, he is scared too. So, when your feeling like you want him to hurry on up. Recall the fact yall are both damaged right now. But, your both gettin repaired on everyday! LOL
However, I would like the BITS to come over and take my H out back....just sayin!
I'm praying for yall!
BITS
Dixie
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
Dixie, you are sooooooooooo right. I still need a work on my heart right now because there is still too much anger. I also have to realize that he is scared too. I forget that sometimes!!!
Dixie, girl, I love you and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but seriously, I'd like to help you beat some sense into your H.
you gals know that if we could, we would. I'm not talking about the true physical violence either.
I wish some random guy would have come to me about 5 years ago and said, dude, this is where you are headed...
Would I have listened? I'm not sure. I would have liked to think I would. I wish I could say what to say to your men.
Is it an approach? I don't know. Maybe you feel that you are saying the right things to them but you may not be saying it the way he needs to hear it.
I know that if my wife said, "It makes me very sad when you work so hard trying to provide for our family. I like having you around because I love you and want to be with you."
I'm pretty sure I would take that to heart instead of, "You work to hard and don't spend enough time with the family."
The previous tugs at me because even though I was selfish, I never wanted to see my W sad or hurt. Even when we weren't getting along great.
A lot of it is approach.
But another aspect is knowing that there is a communication breakdown and that one of you will have to lead. It's hard because you feel like YOU are doing all of the work.
I'm telling you, if you change the approach you may just get results. What is it called, chasing down cheeseless tunnels? Why not mix up the approach?
Look, your men obviously love you even if they aren't showing it. Be sincere and gentle. You may just be surprised on the outcome.
...and if he still doesn't listen...me, fobd, denver and 2step will come "talk" to him...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Boltie, for my situation, you are so dead on. Oh man, the hours my H worked was a BIG issue. I'm not sure I was even as constructive as you sounded in the bad scenario.
Honestly, I thought that me wanting him home and not at work because I missed him was just so obvious. But you know what? He told me he felt like he couldn't do anything right and he didn't think I loved him. So... not so obvious. My communication skills were crap.
Right now, I'm not so sure they are much better. I still get mad about the work hours but I wouldn't tell him that in a million years as I am trying so hard not to rock that boat. But I still feel crappy so I have not improved much. I know its a long road back. But the wall between us really hurts a lot. I'm trying my best not to react to that. However, I still need some work on my communication. Pretending problems don't exist is probably no better than my first method of simply getting mad.
Well, it was a peck... but on the mouth! And it was GOOD.
You can believe, that kiss is going to carry me through the day... He's already back to his distant behavior, but I'm ok right this second because HE KISSED ME!!
Crap, I feel like I'm in high school again... I'm pitiful.
