The holiday has been busy. I had to work until 5 on New Year's Eve and went to a party w/h. Had a lot of fun, did not cause any probs, etc. Yesterday we went to my uncle's to see my cousin that I only see once every couple years.
I have been biting my tongue, but still wondering if I should bring this up or that up. On New Year's Eve, h started to get drunk. We never negotiate who is going to be the designated driver, and I am usually the one to back off from alcohol when I see that he is drinking a lot. Later, he made a comment that I never drink, (and therefore can drive home from Cleve. when we go to that concert w/the couple). I said testily, "I don't have a choice." He said that yes I did, there are options. I didn't ask what they were. Chalk one up for me for NOT starting a discussing after he has had a few to drink.
So I drove home, feeling angry, hoping he would hurt (physically) later for drinking. We talked the next morn. how he was surprised he got drunk so fast b/c he only had 8-9 beers over 7 1/2 hours. It was unusual for him. I still did not bring up the issue. I wonder, do I really WANT to get drunk? People LOOK like they are having so much more fun when they are drunk. However, I tend to get emotional (no really?) after having too many to drink and do NOT want to get sick. I have learned my lesson!! H did not get sick.
And another, H bought himself a new used truck. It did'nt cost too much money, but it is a performance truck and now he is window shopping for all of these accessories for it. He and another fam. member were talking about it yesterday and he said jokingly, "shh don't let her hear me talking about it." I said what? and he told me spending money on it. I said, I didn't care as long as we could go on vaca. He said we will.
We do not share our checking accounts. He makes 40% more than I do and pays 40% of the bills. We both have our own debt. He does not want to combine our bills as he thinks this way we will fight less about money. Well, I stink w/money and struggle to make ends meet month after month. I want to save more for retirement as my company has excellent matching. He says we should pay off stuff first b/c of the interest, I exclaimed, if I put in $1350, my company will GIVE me $1600!!! that's over 100%!!!
So I'm thinking, how can he spend unnecessary money on this truck as I am struggling month to month? Granted, my money probs are my own fault as I am very bad with money. I am not greedy and do not want his money. He pays just about all the time when we go out/out to eat. I buy groceries and not often enough. I only cook 2 times a week on average.
He has said that this is yes, one of those other things, where if things were better b/t us, he would help me more. I'm really confused. It seems that I spend a lot more money than I plan in the month and I do not spend much money at all on things that I do not need and 85% of the time I shop for clothes at thrift stores.
I do not want to feel angry at him for this, but I don't know what to do. Is this just me finding something else to get upset about? Yes, I am thinking in my head that he doesn't care about me.
(I am doing all of the saving for retirement and he thinks that I should be able to keep my truck if I get rid of some other bills. Perhaps I should ask him how he thinks I can do that.)
I know my main prob. is giving up this "control" that really isn't control...
I will get back to these wonderfully insightful posts later, k?
Karen, just my 2 cents but, my H and I had separate checking and savings accounts. Now as I look back, things were better between H and I when we combined into one. Kind of like "Acting as if" we were M instead of separate! I think it is a mistake to act as if you are two separate people. When H and I get back together, I will suggest we combine our money!
AS for your money problems, get a budget girl and stick to it. Or let someone else handle the money and give you an allowance every week.
At this time h is unwilling to combine checking accounts. He said that he was going to but then didn't b/c he didn't know if we were going to stay together or not. I'm not asking him to do it now.
That's righht now would not be a good time to ask for joint checking accounts. I agree.
What you need to work on is you. Learn to get better control of your situation. Come here and vent all you want, just don't do it in front of your H. You don't want him tucking his tail and running. Work on you.
Hello, this is not going to be a happy post. I feel so desolate, so hopeless, I don't think I can go on like this.
I feel like throwing in the towel. I just cannot f'in do this. Tonight h called me while i was on my way home from work saying that his friend called him and asked him to go out. I asked if he wanted to and he said he would like to. I told him that if he wanted to, he should. There was a lot of silence. He told me he was giving me a chance to speak my piece. He asked if this was going to be a problem. I said that I felt dissappointed, that I feel like this is representative of our r. That he has the energy/effort (or something like that) for his friends, but not for me. I told him I was not going to tell him what to do. I got home, and he knew I was upset, oc. We talked-and talked for 4 hours. He gets frustrated, withdrawn. We talk about some money issues/and how we are going to go on vaca. (I tried to talk about this the other night, but thought he made a comment to shut me up. I said, how are we going to plan for vaca financially? He said that that is 9 months away and he is not going to worry about it now. I didn't want to pursue the convo b/c we were on the way to the nye party.) He says that I should have asked him more pointedly what he meant. Is he paying? am I? are we both? etc...should we save per month...
I am tired of feeling like he just doesn't have the energy for me. I am tired of not feeling and hearing that I am important to him. I want him to be sensitive and caring towards me and my feelings, but it just ain't there. I told him I am tired of being holed up in the house. He is reluctant to go out with me. I say that he needs to give me a chance, that he is expecting me to fail and how can we continue/get better if he expects me to fail. I am tired of being afraid to speak my mind b/c I am afraid I will push him away or make him mad.
I feel like telling him to live his own life and let me know when he wants to work on the r. Is this wrong? A bad idea? I just feel like I want to hear kind words from him, but he has nothing to give. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing for him. I am tired of him making assumptions about me and he's tired of me making assumptions about him. He thinks that he is not that hard to talk to. I say that he assumes that just because I cry a little, I am going to go off the deep end. Neither of us has any faith in the other.
Maybe I should be appreciative that he is still with me and that he spends time with me on the couch, but I want more for this r. I do not want to sit around all the time. Perhaps I should just do a LOT more things w/o him including going out on the weekends. If he doesn't think that he can have fun with me, then what's the point?
I want him to communicate with me, but it seems like I am pulling teeth, banging my head up against the wall.
He stopped our discussion and went to take a shower, etc. He asked if I was "done" and I said I didn't know. He then sat in the bedroom. He said he thought if he left me alone I would straighten myself out. Well, as I have asked him a million times, I just want a hug. I want to feel closure. I said that he is the one that likes to be left alone, not me. He said I could have a hug, but did not move. OK, I want him to GIVE me a hug. What happened to that sweet guy that I married? He's gone, and I don't like this guy.
Well, I love him, but I want some compassion. I guess this may sound controlling, and I know he doesn't want to be bullied into giving me my way. But he DID show me one side of him and we had discussions about what's important to me in an r before we got married. He agreed that he wanted to do these things. Well, is it all my fault that he is completely withholding of emo's? I take it that he is not committed to our r.
I want to get better and have fun again, etc., but I feel so limited b/c he is so afraid to do anything with me. He then said that he would do more if we conserved some money and ate more at home. I told he could have told me that. I often offer to cook, he says he doesn't care, so I say, OK, let's go out. So, he can't blame me entirely.
I know that I am supposed to be re-reading DR, but I lent it out and the neighboring bookstores are out of it. I may have to travel tomorrow to get it. How many 2X4s do I deserve? I know I said this before, but I just don't know how to go on not feeling like I am important to him and that he wants to put effort into this. I feel like I am on trial and that I can do no right. I am the worst f'in actor. I'm sorry, but I have NEVER been able to hide my true emotions. I just don't think I can fake this. I'm unhappy. I've created this mess, he thinks I should fix it. How do I fix the sandcastle without any sand???
I'm still here. Your post was so agonizing to read. I'm so sorry you're so hurt and unhappy.
I have to tell you that I've been reading your posts for awhile, and we have much in common. I just didn't know about this place before Mr. Wonderful departed for his paradise in apartment living--if I had been posting, you could have seen this same progression in my life as well.
Right down to Mr. Wonderful's big downhill slide with his DUI last October and my issues with being the designated driver 100% of the time.
What I have now is some great hindsight. I now realize that my needs were not being met--I was in a similar spot as you are right now. Feeling like low priority on his list and wondering if and when I would ever get off the roller coaster.
I even planned my exit in 1999 because I was so miserable.
Then last summer, after coming very close to a PA (and definitely an EA--because I was seeking out friendships with men to fill the void that Mr. Wonderful had left), I decided it was high time to figure out why I was so unhappy.
I spent 9 months with my therapist and finally confronted some very big issues I had been carting around in the form of baggage.
And then the knowledge gained here... all I can say is I wish I found you guys sooner.
A big part of my unhappiness was projecting to him how unhappy I was because he didn't prioritize me the way I wanted to be prioritized. I really like the 5LL--and Mr. Wonderful did not speak mine. Nor did I speak his.
We began to keep score, filling in the scoreless periods with resentment and anger.
So after all my crazymaking episodes--many which included the statement, "What do we have left with each other? Why not just get it over with and divorce?"--I realized that I was actually planting seeds in his mind to validate the fact that we were miserably married.
Is it possible for you to find DB/DR again and head back to the drawing board with a beginner's mind? I see so much of myself in your posts, and that hurts so much. I hurt for you, Karen. I really mean that.
I'm certainly not telling you that you need counseling... I finally had to do it because I felt dead inside and broken. And I was finally ready to face my demons.
Your H sounds a little like mine in the sort of passive-aggressive interaction he has with you. From where I sit, I think your H just genuinely doesn't understand what is wrong... therefore, he is clueless to how to go about trying to fix things.
So if that means that it's you who has to fix things, I'd love to help. I hope you don't have to separate to get this, Karen. Because it's a sucky road and one that I wouldn't wish on an enemy.
So where to start... first of all, your H does not have the power to make you unhappy. He can do things that you interpret as "Karen-inciters" but he can't make you feel that way.
Assume that I'm right, even though you don't want to believe me. If the above is true, what are you doing or not doing that is preventing you from being happy?
I realize the rocky road in your M is not helping things, so please don't feel I'm trying to invalidate you.
I'll start the thoughts for you. I felt unhappy because I was carrying around my fear of abandonment. I had been left by every person who I loved, and it became a way of life for me. At some point, I started acting as if they were going to leave... that is, I started to give them a reason to do so.
That took me a whole long time to not only figure out, but to stop acting as if. And I had to pay someone to help me figure out what I was previously unwilling to confront.
Okay, now it's off to bed. I hope you can get some good sleep to give you a more clear perspective. And I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: my H and I had separate checking and savings accounts. Now as I look back, things were better between H and I when we combined into one. Kind of like "Acting as if" we were M instead of separate! I think it is a mistake to act as if you are two separate people. When H and I get back together, I will suggest we combine our money!
There is a lot to be said for JOINT accounts...I know that like Deb and her H, my H and I have had separate accts for the past 15 yrs at least. What that sets up is one more... MY LIFE/OUR LIFE...scenario. There's NO accountability for how money (joint assets) are spent and eventually can lead to all kinds of problems...
I'm all for separate savings accounts...but one thing my H and I will do this year is go back to a joint checking acct. with BOTH of our paychecks going there and from that we will deduct an agreed upon amount from our individual salaries to withdraw and put in our personal savings for expenditures that do not require mutual agreement.
Money can be as decisive as an OM/OW in a couple's life. If you're financially irresponsible it will come to bite you on your butt...in more ways than one. T2
This is another 'been there, done that, have the t-shirt' post for me...I could've written your post a few short months ago...so let me give you the benefit of MY experience...
If YOU step back and look at YOURSELF ask the following:
Would I want to 'hang out' with that person that's always on edge, always sulking, always dissappointed? NO
Would I think there's ANY chance that we're going to make it if every second I was together with my SO HE looked serious as a heart attack and in pain? NO
Well my friend, if YOU don't lighten up...if YOU don't start acting AS IF you're someone a person would ENJOY being around....then don't be surprised that YOUR H would rather be with ANYONE BUT YOU.
You want him back in your life, totally and completely...then ya better put aside your questions, your anger and your "he owes me" attitude or you'll be on this board eventually telling us that he's finally walked out.
Karen, you can either be self righteous and alone, or you can be realistic and reconciled...you get to choose.
{{{HUGS KAREN}}}}
T2
