Karen, you're posts are honest and insightful to the point of being raw. I'm thoroughly impressed by your courage and ability to speak so frankly.
Now, if you would only call up that same courage to break free of those old chains you've been carrying around all these years. Making room for positive changes can only help improve your marital situation, and even more importantly, help you to feel more comfortable inside yourself.
What I'm hearing is, "I know you'll eventually leave me, so I'm going to CONTROL the reason why". And "Since I fear that you will someday leave me, I'm leaving first - if not physically - then emotionally."
This is an issue launched from a 'fear of abandonment'. This is an issue that fuels the drive to self-sabotage. This is a CONTROL issue.
And, I'll bet anything, that you already realize all of this. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that as you sit there reading these posts, you already know what it is you need to do. Am I Right?
Your inner dialogue chatters on endlessly in a looped like trance, and it has you frozen in time and space.
Your greatest ally at this very moment is your inner 'will'. That little piece of you that has not been swallowed up by all those joy sucking voices in your head.
For each day that you do NOT take steps to move out of this "trance", you move closer to losing more and more of the very things that give meaning to your life.
Until you step away from your familiar yet debilitating cocoon, no amount of support or encouragement is going to bare fruit.
