It's me that's cycling!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Thank you.

I am going to address as much as possible in this post that you questioned and journalled in your last one.

I have mentioned to H the D proceedings three times and filing a dismissal. I even have them typed out and have shown them to H. He insists that he still wants to to this but does not initiate getting them notarized with me. I have suggested this three times and refuse to mention it again. I have the papers in the console of my vehicle in case opportunity presents itself.

Our lives are not very different from yours, timetables are the only difference.

In my 5.5 years my H has been missing from our lives more than he has been a part of them. My H has chosen the OW and her family over his own including his son, father and brothers more times than I can count. The things that my H has done are actually so hurtful to son and I that I have done my best to bury them inside my being. For when I do bring them to the surface I get very angry and cry and I try really hard to not do that. It does not make a pretty picture! Ultimately it is more harmful than good.

I made up my mind 5.5 years ago that I was going to live differently and with kindness and love. I will not be otherwise at this point in time, it will gain me nothing....anywhere and everywhere.

My son refuses to call his father. H calls for son on a rare occasion and I have to insist and force son to accompany his father in the invite...and it doesn't matter what the invite entails, it could be Disney World and son would fuss and try and wrangle his way out.

In my case, H knows why his son will not warm up to him and accept his gestures. I have told H. He has been reported to say that he knows he abandoned his son and was not much of a father and has huge regrets. I think it's only been since October that I have seen an improvement in their relationship. I am to credit for much of it. H is still blind to son's true feelings.

Three weeks ago, son's snowmobile broke down and son tried to call H for help after I failed to be any. H refused to answer son's call. Son left a VM and it was also not returned. As we walked from our barn to our house I told son I was sorry his father was not here for him. Son said he knew he only had one parent who cared and was here for him. He also said that he plans on telling H exactly what he thinks and feels but is waiting until he turns 18 to do it. My son does not mince words and is very direct. One knows where they stand with him always. One day it will be very sad for H. Son will slam him like he never had.

When H does try and engage son, it's hard work for H. I love it.

My son is forbidden from having any contact with OW. Son, H and OW knows this. It's not up for discussion.

(((((Cas))))) Even though I have had H in/out of my life fairly steadily it still is just as gutwrenching. Our situation revolves in a 4-6 week pattern vs. your 8-10 week pattern. Your list of 1 through 5 above is the same here. I have steadily experienced all in your list over and over again. So much that I am dizzy thinking about it.

Yes, Cas, move along with your own life and interests. It's good all around. It shows them we are not dependent and we are doing fine. REMEMBER: Living well is the sweetest revenge

This is not about revenge either, I am not a grudge holder or a revenge seeker. I aim to show H that I am fine without him and I live well. He can then compare the pathetic life he now has with what he had and could have should he choose to get his head out of his a$$.

Your H did come looking for you. It was a clear moment. Your H peeks inside because his life $uck$. He is not happy. He has moments of clarity and they ALWAYS lead to you. This is MLC. This is the journey that is filled with turmoil and hurt. We are a part of it no matter what. Cas, I will always have this feeling of wanting my marriage back. I can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I think you and I are the same. We are along for the ride and really have no choice. We have desires to have things be different, our souls will not let go. I believe I am doing the right thing, I believe it is a higher power guiding me.

I give my H what he is looking for. I want to be the port in the storm. I don't give a rats butt about the OW and her feelings. In my case OW isn't human. I am married to the man. H is my husband. I am not the OW or the cheater, I have the rights on paper and according to the law. OW is a home-wrecking, low-life piece of chit. OW will always be unworthy. Her true self is not nice. OW aims to cause destruction and pain and she gloats and takes huge satisfaction in living immorally and without values.

We can detach without expectations. We can live well. We can be kind and friendly to them. We can leave the door open a crack. We can also choose to slam it shut forever. The options are all ours. H can't choose. H is stuck in the loop. If you think about it, we ARE happier on a bad day than they are on a good one.

Cas, who says YOU can't break the silence with MIL. You have the option to call her. If the truth be known she wants to talk to you and stubbornness is keeping her from reaching out. I know she was mean to you. It would be taking the higher road and living well to extend the olive branch to her. I don't think it would bother H one bit if you two were friendly. It's about being whole and having no regrets and forgiving all.

H was railroaded into making a choice by the OW with pleading and false promises. H really does not see the danger or ramifications yet of agreeing to let her and son be roomies. One of these days it will be as clear as a bell. You/Your home will be the place he will go to. Leave the path open and warm.

I believe in my suggestions and the choices I have made. I believe the road I have taken has been the best possible way to engage my H and try and turn this mess around. The alternative would have given me nothing.

Cas, it's a bright place that OW will not be with them this weekend. Perhaps you could plan a relaxing birthday regardless of the circumstances.

When H texts you with a "Happy Birthday", you say "Thanks H, I appreciate the thought of me :)"

((((Cas)))), please take care and live everyday "as if".

Sanderika