thanks everyone for writing me! Pam, I'll do your hw soon, I promise!
I want to address Zoo's response since it is the freshest, different, pointed and true.
Zoo, you don't need to apologize for being harsh. I appreciate your honesty and determination.
Why don't I do this? I'M F'IN SCARED. I know that this is not an accuse and it's not even rational. I have these negative beliefs about myself and h/men that have been ingrained that I cling to for some reason. I just can't (don't/won't) give them up. I don't know why it is so hard to believe that I am lovable. I have lots of good qualities, and am a good person, etc.
I'm so enmeshed with my old way of doing things. I break away for awhile and then am reminded by myself of where I came from. I would love to be able to break free. What am I afraid of? That he won't find me attractive later in life, that he'll take me for granted (biggie), that he won't "give me what I want," that this r will never be how i want it to be, that he will reject me, that someone will pull the rug out from under me. I'm afraid that if I do trust, I will be taken advantage of or fooled. I'm afraid he may deceive me in some way. (Though he is extremely honest).
Yes, I'm lazy too. Stuck in the same ole same ole. I did this with other bf's. I sought help back then... I guess I think that it is too much work and I want someone to do it for me. I am, as my h calls me (lovingly/half kidding/half serious) a BRAT! I want it my way. I want it now. I want him to cater to me. (That is so ridiculously absurd!!!) I want this to be easy. I want him to help/do it for me. I want a scapegoat. I want to curl up and die. (no, not suicidal-figuratively) I'm jealous of him. I want to have a FIT! I want to bang my head against the wall and jump up and down and scream and cry and punch. Not to hurt him. As I have said before: I hate him b/c I love him.
He has taken my heart. He's promised to care for it, he's made the vows. I have no reason not to believe in him.
I just want to step back/take a retreat/have some time for me by myself journaling or praying or whatever. I want to quit trying so hard. I want for this to fall into place. It could have/would have been so nice naturally had I not had these fears. I have tried and tried and tried to sabotage the best thing that has ever happened to me. But, if he went away, I would hate myself and blame myself b/c I had pushed him away.
I wish I could stop myself from closing myself off once we reach a higher point in our r. When we become closer, when I trust, accept, love him openly and genuinely I love it. But then, I just don't believe that it will last or continue or that I deserve to be happy. I turn my anger at myself towards him. I accuse him of doing the very things that I do to him.
