I know my timing isn't great here, but your list made me think that doing this exercise might help you, it is the very first thing Cal worked with me on when she put all the time in with me back in June of this year, before our first court date.
I thought it might help you, it certainly helped me see my contribution to the breakdown of our marriage.
What are you doing differently? What things have you changed and why have you changed them? What 180's are you doing?
What goals have you set for the R? How are you measuring these goals and what baby steps have you set for yourself so that you know you're accomplishing them?
What goals have you set for yourself? What things are you doing for your own well being? Do you have friends that you go out with regularly, a hobby... something you do independently from your H? Have you started an exercise program or something like that, changed your hairstyle...?
What are the major contributors, according to your H, to the breakdown of the R? How does your H feel about these things? Take your clues from his words. What actions can you take to make him feel differently? (For example, if he says that you never listen to him, your action would be to listen more... and you can set more specific goals for this.)
Do you two have a common pattern of arguing? How can you stop this pattern? How do you know when an argument is over? Is there a way you can incorporate this "signal" into stopping the pattern of the argument? Do you push each other's buttons? How can you stop pushing those buttons and how can you stop reacting to the pushing of those buttons?
I want you to take some time to think about what your H would list as the main contributors to the breakdown of the marriage. What things would he list as complaints against you and your behavior. Be 100% honest with yourself here. Think about conversations you've had, words he's said, things you've observed, things that you know you do wrong... Try to see and think from his point of view and write your list here when you're done. (I ended up with about 10 things, Sage had about 33 in her list so size isn't a limit.)
(Some of you may be thinking - why do I have to change myself to suit their needs but unless you're perfect, I bet there are some things about yourself that need a little housekeeping. I know that when I started treating my H better, it seeped into other areas of my life and I started feeling better about myself. I love the person I am today because of the changes I made. I look back at the person I was and I'm happy that I'm no longer like that! I made them for him AND myself.)
-------------------- -Calystra
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
