HI Karen, 16 months ago I could own half of your list and add another half of new ones all my own.
It was CHILLING when I realized just how much I'd contributed to CJ's shutting down...sad part is he insists he told me all along, but I never heard him or took it seriously!!
That is until the Bomb's of course.
What I can tell you Karen is that CJ's turn around was sloooow and on HIS time.
I tried to be really consistent with the DB principles. I didn't initiate R talks, I kept most of my suffering for the bb, I gave him all the space he wanted, while still asking if he wanted to come along to various functions. (He usually declined, often nastily).
CJ was also very afraid to share his real feelings with me. I was the anxious one, the sick one, he didn't think I could handle it...like he had to be "the rock". (One thing that OW relieved him of, kind of her, no? _)
So what I did was I SHOWED him that I could handle it. I didn't freak out as he expected (anti D's helped here), and he began to REALLY share with me.
I LISTENED. I thought I was a good listener before, but I wasn't. Did I have to bite my tongue??? YOU BET!
But Validating what he said had a marvelous effect...he felt HEARD, and reassured that he COULD share with me and not expect a tornado of MY emotion to come flying at him.
Karen, about 5 months into my DB efforts I remember posting about being REALLY tired of "rowing this boat" (or M/reconcilliation) all by myself...because CJ was NOT ready to help or reassure me in any way...had not even yet said "ILY" or I want to stay with you.
But I do remember ending that post by saying..."Oh well, I'll row this boat until my arms fall off..."
_)
