1: DR book by michele 2: The myth of the male power (odd book i found at half price books) 3: Anxious to please (This is the best book that accurately and fully described my behavior in my marriage. This was a godsend) 4: Six pillars of self esteem 5: I just ordered "Hold me tight"
Apart from reading these i also keep 2 journals. One for daily use and other to track my anxiety thoughts.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
My mistake. I think started too many threads and lost touch. Thanks for pointing out sillyoldbear's suggestion guys.
Quote:
[*] Some of the things you describe--being surprised that a woman would leave a man who made sure his job was secure and was never any trouble to her, for instance, or trying to fix everything by making an effort to be cheerful and happy all the time, are things [*] might help you with. He describes men who put all their emphasis on pleasing others, especially women, by putting their own needs last and "never being any trouble" as "Nice Guys." He's not talking about not being nice, just seeing that your own needs are important and dealing with other people honestly. It made a big difference for me.
He's right. I have not yet ordered this book, but i will. Meanwhile the book i was talking about "Anxious to please" exactly talks about the same thing.Nice-guy syndrome. I seem to have this issue big time because everything that book talks about, i fit it perfectly. Thats the nice part, knowing why you are the way you are. I have breaking my head for years as to why i feel the way i do. But now the hard part begins where i need to start working on myself. I am trying to remain motivated.
The other reading I'd recommend is Schnarch's Passionate Marriage. But I'd read the other two first.
Your first step is to decide what you want to do about your marriage. Do you want to save it? If so, what are you willing to do about it? The first thing is to think hard about how you treat your wife now and why it doesn't work. I absolutely want to save my marriage. Sometimes i do question my reasons, but at the end of the day i still love my wife and i want my daughter to grow up with both parents. I need start with baby steps here
The fact that you're trying to do something about this, rather than just deciding that your wife went crazy for no reason and there's nothing you could have done, puts you ahead of the curve already. That seems to be what most people do.
Last edited by dbmod; 09/23/1202:00 AM. Reason: *reference not recommended or allowed
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
W called last evening when i was at the gym. Called her back in an hour. I was going to a hackerspace meeting in town. She said that she wanted to talk more details about daughter's custody. I listened. Some suggestions were good and we agreed. Some i felt were restrictive (like she wanted me to visit my daughter 12 times first before i could take her to my place). So I did say "W you chose to move 200 miles from me and i feel that your request is not fair for me". Then she said "dont get antsy. This is not final. think about it. Then she brought up the issue that i have initiated conversation with my daughter only once, which is true. I could not do it because i knew i'd break down. I told her "W you know the reason i could not talk with D. I had to recover before i could speak normally with her. Why are you holding that against me right now. Anyway i was planning on calling you up and setting a schedule. How about blah blah blah". Then we talked for some more minutes. Then i said "I need to go. I am going somewhere" and i hung up the phone.
So i finish my hackerspace meeting head home and then i get her call again.
W "Are you driving. Can i talk?"
M "Sure"
W "Look, dont bring up that 200 mile distance again. Dont say that this divorce decision was my choice. It is because you could not get your act together, i had to do this. You know when i was living with my parents and had to drive 200 miles every weekend for my therapist meeting, i did it. So dont complain that you cannot drive 200 miles to see your daughter every week. Do you know how hard it is to be divorced in the indian community?."
M "W, look you were a good wife and you are a great mom. You felt you needed to do this for your sake. I would not have taken this path. But i can understand why you did what you did. you know i had to come down this road to understand where and what i did wrong and how much you and daughter really mean to me. Look i will not bring up the 200 mile distance okay?. We need to be nice to each other if we need to bring up daughter well. You understand why i could not reach out to daughter frequently. To put it mildly this was a huge shock. I needed time to recover"
W "You dont think i know that? How do you think i feel when daughter gets up in the morning and sometimes cries for you. She asks for you and i have to lie saying that daddy's car needs repair. He'll see you soon. You know there are nights that i go to sleep crying for you thinking how you are managing alone"
M : i was silent. Could not take it that my daughter cries for me. So i act like someone was calling for me.
M "W, i gotta go. We'll talk again. Bye"
W "okay, bye"
Friends, I tried to interpret all this in many ways. Sometimes i look at all this positively. Sometimes negatively.
I'd love love love to you hear feedback from y'all.
Thanks!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Only suggestion is to start backing off on mentioning how you need to recover or how hard this is on you. While it is the truth, it is for all of us, it also puts you in a spot of weakness. JMHO.
Love the way you ended both conversations!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Only suggestion is to start backing off on mentioning how you need to recover or how hard this is on you. While it is the truth, it is for all of us, it also puts you in a spot of weakness. JMHO.
Love the way you ended both conversations!
Thanks country. Yup, I've decided that from now no more telling my W about me trying to recover. In fact i am feeling much better now. Gotta show that to her.
Yea one part me felt that i should not have ended it that way. I dunno if i'll get some 2x4's on this. But sometimes i think a lil innocent manipulation might not be that bad
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
You did good. I agree that you need to stop talking about needing to recover, or anything that frames you as weak. If it comes up again try "I was surprised you gave up on us, I just needed some time to think. I am past that now." See how that frames it so that the responsibility for this situation is hers, and you just had a normal reaction to it? it also emphasises that you are stronger now.
Quote:
Dont say that this divorce decision was my choice. It is because you could not get your act together, i had to do this.
DO NOT let her place the blame on you for HER leaving. This is a big boundary issue. You must push back when she places the blame on your shoulders, like in the above quote. It is total BS. SHE left. SHE gave up. Yes, you made some mistakes, but SHE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RESPONSIBLE for deciding to leave.
But...do not get angry and say it with anger, just calmly and matter-of-factly point out that it was completely her choice, proven by the fact that you had no say in the matter. There is ALWAYS a choice, and she 100% made the decision. She had to do this? Incorrect, she chose to do this, and she was thinking of herself when she did so.
You need to hold her accountable for her actions, do not accept when she blames you for her leaving. If she blames you for the things you did...okay, validate that you did those things. You, however, did not give up. She did.
Sorry if I am repeating myself, but you need understand this, let it absorb into your psyche, and believe it, so that next time she tries to frame the breakdown of your R as your fault, you will be able to validate the mistakes you made, and yet hold her accountable for her part: giving up.
Agree, good ending. Try to always be the one to get off the phone first. You are busy, you have things to do and places to be.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
If it comes up again try "I was surprised you gave up on us, I just needed some time to think. I am past that now." See how that frames it so that the responsibility for this situation is hers, and you just had a normal reaction to it?
I think this quote from spellfire will work beautifully for you mykarma. I'm going to use it myself if I get the opportunity.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks Guys!. Thanks for that vote of confidence. I am planning on start talking to my daughter regularly from Friday. I am sure more convs with W might come up. I'll keep all your suggestions in mind this time
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
