Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

My weekly couples therapy update. FINALLY! There is some light.

In all of the previous sessions, there has been either a story to tell, or a discovery of some sort, or broken trust and apologies, or some kind of event taking place. Today, there was no agenda.

I told my therapist that I understood that my W was not in the same place right now that I was, but I would really like to get to a time where I could simply and actively listen to my wife go through her concerns, emotions, feelings of where I marriage took a wrong turn. At first, my W was hesitant and did not want to rehash. I told my W that I did not wish to rehash the details of the affair. Our therapist chimed in a said there is a big difference between rehashing the past and allowing past experiences to educate you. Agreed by both of us and along we went.

I will admit that the conversation coming from my W did not include many positives out of our 5 year relationship. I expected this coming from where she is now. I actively listened to every word she said and validated her several times. I tried to avoid being defensive, but I will admit that it was hard to do sometimes.

My wife mentioned that our entire 5 year relationship has been rocky. She said that she even tried to walk away after six months, but I saved it and brought her back in. She mentioned how our communication has always been poor. How we fight over little things and we are not fighting on the same team anymore. She spoke of how when we first started dating, I had a five year plan for my career. After not getting the job I was seeking a few years into our relationship, I gave up. She said this really hit her hard. She mentioned that she did not like living paycheck to paycheck and always thought we lived outside our means. We then admitted that we were both guilty of this. She said that she had an idea of a happy marriage, and we did not exhibit it. Ours took work. Lots of work. The whole time, I listened and validated.

She then said that when she met the OW, the emotional connection was so easy. It just kept progressing, and she can honestly say that her emotional connection with the OW has been the strongest of her life. She has been working with her therapist to figure out if she simply needs that emotional connection from a woman. She said it didn't take work and simply clicked unlike our marriage. This is also the first time I have heard of her speak of how the connection was established.

W also went into how I was absent when the baby was born. As a new mother and father, we were obviously clueless. My parents once told me that when a woman first has a baby, your job is to take care of your wife, because this will be a bonding time with her and the baby. Yours will come later. At the time, I bothered my W with questions on how to help. She would tell me "just do something". She eventually wrote me out a list of how I could help out, which I thought I followed everyday, but my W said that I never did. I expected the negativity and tried hard during this conversation to bite my tongue. I know she is only seeing the negative right now.

W also mentioned that when the affair was discovered, I did a 180. I started reading all of these books. I took care of her and the baby more than ever. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, washed bottles, did laundry. Started working out. Went to church every Sunday. Was there for my wife and took care of her. I reminded my wife that this actually started a month prior to the affair. 12/14 to be exact when I got the bomb. She said that she actually resented these behaviors of mine, not because she didn't want them out of a lack of caring, but because why now? She said it infuriated her. I was hitting on every one of her issues with me and correcting them. She said that to her, I must have know what each of these failures were for the last five years, never acted on them out of carelessness, and now all of a sudden I am fixing them at the last minute. My therapist told my wife that how could I possibly know of the failures when she didn't communicate her needs to me. The changes that I made came from learning about my self and how to love. I told my wife that I have learned more about myself, the ability to love, and strengthen a relationship in the last six months, than I ever had in 32 years. She told me that she didn't think I could keep it up, and I would get burned out. She is in for the opposite. These fears will only change with consistency on my part. Act. No words. The fact that she notices them was also positive to me. I will not quit.

She gave me the lowdown on her moving out. She signed a six month lease starting 3/5 (the shortest she could get) at the apartment complex her brother lives in. She will be down the street from me and her brother. She mentioned again that she wants me to have full access to our S while he is there. Coming over for bedtime routine, etc. I told her again that I understood her need for space to self discover and was supportive of her. She thanked me. Not looking forward to this, but I will be patient and allow her space.

I know this is tedious, and if you have gotten this far, thank you. As negative of some of the comments made tonight, it was the first time in years that I have ever discovered what my W was lacking in our marriage. The things she wouldn't tell me, or the things she may have told me but never put stress on. This has opened the lines of relationship communication and rebuilding I hope. This also gives me concrete things for me to work on and show her a different side of me now knowing what she is looking for.

I still fear the same sex bit, but there is nothing I can do to make that decision for my wife. I can only show her my best side consistently. I will still detach when needed and GAL. Speaking of GAL, I dropped my wife off after therapy. She asked what if I was headed home. I told her that I was actually going rock climbing with a mutual friend. Her reaction was priceless. What?!? Since when do you rock climb? Not only do you take care of yourself when GAL, you create curiosities. I think I accomplished this tonight

I cannot wait until our next session and continue this communication. I think I now have just the start of something to build on.