Cindy, thanks for the input. My h fits some of these descriptions, but not all. He is very much aware of my moods and emotions. In the beginning, he was very caring, supportive, reassuring, etc. We also talked before we got married-he said that previous gf's had told him that he wasn't very emotional. I asked if this was something that he wanted to work on b/c it is important to me. He said yes. We also talked about romance and keeping love alive so to speak. He seemed to agree w/me and understand that is was important to me. He also asked me what he could do to be a better lover. (He's fantastic and takes great care of me in this regard), but I did offer one suggestion-that he flirt or say little things to give me something to think about. Like, can't wait to get home later, or something like that. But he has not done this. Why did he ask?
He was pretty expressive when we first started dating and even in the beginning of our m. He fell in love with me very quickly, asked me to be his gf, and was ready for m before I was. He told me he loved me all the time. He was not real good at complimenting me, and worked on it and got better. But, I continued to berate him, so he stopped. He does believe that he can be that person again, that he just needs time and to do it on his own time, NOT MY time.
He wants to be close and intimate, but I push him away again and again. For those 6 weeks, things improved a lot. At the end (before I freaked out and backslid all the way down the hill), he was openning up to me and suggested something romantic and expressing desire.
What makes me freak out is being close to him. I felt like I had completely opened up to him and was totally accepting and adoring him, then WHAMMO! I lost it. As Dr. Phil would say, I created what I feared. I pushed him away so he became unsure of his love (or commitment) to me. He is best friend worthy, totally trustworthy and is the best listener I have ever known. (Until he kept hearing the same bi!ching over and over and over.)
He has been quite patient with me and really wants me to get over my fears. He wants me to believe in him and trust him. I have seen him show emotions. Right now he thinks that I can't handle my own, so why should he share his with me? He can be very supportive and he doesn't just try to "fix it" as men are stereotyped to do.
Now I feel like I am defending him, but it does help me to feel greater appreciation for him. I did tell him last night that he was doing really well letting me know what's going on with him and that I appreciated it. But, as people say, action speaks louder than words.
Karen, After reading over your thread, it is obvious that you have a grip on what is not working in you M as well as a good deal of insight into your own personal issues.
It also sounds like you might be suffering with some form of depression - possibly clinical. Have you addressed this possibility yet?
Having said that, I would suggest that you start with making some minor changes for youself, just a little at a time to start with.
If I might, I would like to suggest one thing for you to start practicing right away.
Okay...catch your H doing something that is a positive for you. Then look him in the eyes and tell him with a big warm smile "I like that" or anything else that is short and warm. Then let it go. Short, simple and sweet.
He needs to feel that he is doing something right and that he can make you happy.
Okay? This is your assignment if you should choose to accept it.
Listen to Jeannine, depression is not something to mess with, either. Like her advice on how to let H know when he does something right. I do this all the time, It Works!
Oh yeah, I have depression. I am on the max dose of Wellbutrin. I have tried a bazzillion other anti-d's and this one seems to be the best tolerated and works. It can't do all of the work though, unfortunately!
Yes it must be hard for your h to share his emotions with you if it freaks you out. He wants you to be able to handle it not over burden you. He's considering how you feel and that is great.
When he comes to you with how he feels, what is going through your mind? Are taking it as a personal attack? Are you forming solutions in your head?
OK, I'm not familiar with your sitch. In short, why did you push him away? Why did you berate him when he complimented you? If it was an a, is he open to being accountable to you? Have you told him you are willing to trust him but need a, b, and c from him to help you to do that?
It doesn't freak me out for him to tell me his woes at all. I like to be a shoulder to lean on from time to time. He acts so independent!! I would like to feel like he wants to share, like I am his best friend again.
I take everything personally. I make the worst assumptions about him. I have high expectations and become dissapointed very easily.
No A thank God!! He is very trustworthy. (so, why don't I just believe it??) I push him away b/c in psycho babble terms I am afraid of intimacy. I fear rejection and being taken for granted. I could go on and on. So, when things go well, I freak out. Like, we'll/I'll have a bad day and cause trouble, then a few days later we warm up again and things start to go well, then I freak out. How I held out those 6 weeks? I'm not sure! I really must go back and re-read my threads.
I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil anymore but according to him, I would be a bottomless pit.
Let me give some examples (as embarrassing as it is) of things I say/get upset about (in nutshells):
You don't compliment me enough You don't initiate sex enough You don't help me make plans/contribute to what we are doing for the evening. You don't care about me. You won't reassure/help me. I want emotional support from you. You don't initiate snuggling enough. Why don't you wear your ring when you are not working all the time? You get more dressed up when you go out with your friends than with me. All you want to do is sit on the couch w/me during the week. (He goes out with his friends 1-2 times a week)-you have energy for your friends but not for me. You stay out late on Wed. then I get your leftover tired scraps on Thursday. You won't go fun places with me. A girl in bikini top at party-Are you looking at her? You still like your ex-fiance (they remained friends and went to dinner together for a long time.) If he's at the bars-are you scammin' on other women? You don't tell me what you want. (he says the only thing he's ever wanted from me and has told me so many times is emotional stability.) You don't try hard enough for the r./you don't contribute to having romantic evenings. What did that joke mean?? Are you serious or just messing with me?? (can't take a joke/deal with his kidding) Saying "maybe" to sex is not cute. (he thinks this is playful) you don't act interested in me. You don't ask me questions. (Man of few words-does more listening than talking.) You don't want to be a part of my getting better. You call other people by their names but never call me by mine. (why? dunno. calls me darlin' sometimes or just comes into the room where i am rather than yell. he doesn't yell period-unless provoked in a big bad way) you don't tell me you love me/care about me anymore? do you think you can fall in love with me again? you said you would work on these things. are you going to? If I'm nice to you, will you be nice to me? You save your "fun" things to do for with your friends. You say you don't care about everything so I feel like you don't care about me/what we do...(He used to say he just wanted to be w/me, that it didn't matter what we did, and that all of our time together was special to him) You're making sexual inuendos to other women. You shouldn't do that. (joking/nothing major) You joke with other girls, but not me. You don't flirt with me. You're not showing compassion/giving me hugs and saying nice things when my feelings are hurt.
Ok, I'm slowing down now. In essence EVERYTHING TO ME=HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.
Certainly this is very frustrating to him! And he gets hurt that I don't trust him, even if I say, "it's not you, it's me."
He's exhausted, he says he can't give anymore than he already is. He tells me to deal with it. I caused this prob., i need to fix it. He doesn't want to help/reassure me b/c i need to do it myself. (Plus C told him not to reassure me as it feeds my insecurities.) He's afraid to go to bars/parties with me b/c I've had many jealous fits. He feels spent. He just ain't got no more! But, I keep asking and pleading and crying that I want more more more!!!
My God, I didn't realize how long the list was!!! This is helping me to realize how irrational/demanding/controlling/ needy/desperate/ANNOYING that I can be. No wonder he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore or show me more affection... I really DO treat him like crap!
HI Karen, 16 months ago I could own half of your list and add another half of new ones all my own.
It was CHILLING when I realized just how much I'd contributed to CJ's shutting down...sad part is he insists he told me all along, but I never heard him or took it seriously!!
That is until the Bomb's of course.
What I can tell you Karen is that CJ's turn around was sloooow and on HIS time.
I tried to be really consistent with the DB principles. I didn't initiate R talks, I kept most of my suffering for the bb, I gave him all the space he wanted, while still asking if he wanted to come along to various functions. (He usually declined, often nastily).
CJ was also very afraid to share his real feelings with me. I was the anxious one, the sick one, he didn't think I could handle it...like he had to be "the rock". (One thing that OW relieved him of, kind of her, no? _)
So what I did was I SHOWED him that I could handle it. I didn't freak out as he expected (anti D's helped here), and he began to REALLY share with me.
I LISTENED. I thought I was a good listener before, but I wasn't. Did I have to bite my tongue??? YOU BET!
But Validating what he said had a marvelous effect...he felt HEARD, and reassured that he COULD share with me and not expect a tornado of MY emotion to come flying at him.
Karen, about 5 months into my DB efforts I remember posting about being REALLY tired of "rowing this boat" (or M/reconcilliation) all by myself...because CJ was NOT ready to help or reassure me in any way...had not even yet said "ILY" or I want to stay with you.
But I do remember ending that post by saying..."Oh well, I'll row this boat until my arms fall off..."
This is your assignment if you should choose to accept it. 
I really DO treat him like crap! 
_)