Yes, I do need a new plan, because this one is driving me crazy.
I know you guys don't like my C, but I am going to stick with him for now. I simply trash his advice about my M and mostly listen to him for personal advice.
Yes, I to think that her moving again 3 weeks ago did start the clock over again. I was hoping that when she had to leave the first place, she would just move to her parents house and not sign a lease of any kind. That might have been my first sign that she was having second thoughts. Well, that was not to be. Instead, she found a new place, signed a 6 month lease and showed up here with a moving truck and her hand out looking for money. I was devastated. Funny enough, I just put it together today. I have been feeling like crap for three weeks now and I just realized that all began about the time that she moved into her new place. I guess that whole thing (seeing her in the house, having talks about logistics, separating the stuff, helping her pack, etc.) has really, really hit me hard and I have not been able to recover since then. I have spent entire weekends drunk like a damned fool.
In hindsight, you and the BITS are right. Now is probably not a good time for a "where are we session" with her. I will probably just get crushed and end up in a bottle for the weekend. If she is still hiding her address (which she is), I doubt very seriously that she will have any mercy on me during a talk such as that one.
I do really, really want to have the apology speech with her. It is genuine. I have learned so much about myself and my M since she left. And I do realize she had to leave or I would have never changed. I want her to know I am sorry regardless of whether or not she comes home.
I will have to figure out this dark vs dim thing with some "probing." I think going dark is a bad idea due to our history. But, I also have to give her time to reflect, heal and miss me. I think I might experiment over the next week or so. Although, I called her on Sunday night to tell her about the insurance mess she caused. On the second ring, she sent me to voicemail. I left a message stating that she needed to call me about this issue. It has been three days and nothing. What a mess???
Yes, this probably will go on for some time. Probably for months. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Spend time here, spend time in the gym, GAL when I can and put one foot in front of the other each day. On March 6th, she can file and it will be over. You only have to wait six months in my state to get the completed D when you don't have kids. I am going to be nervous wreck that week. Oh, what joy!?!?! That is the same week as my brother's wedding. You know the one I am talking about??? The one where I am going to have to sit 25 feet away from her for three hours while everyone dances and celebrates the love between two people. Someone shoot me in the freaking head now, please!?!?!
At least I have my BITS!!! And, unlike her roving band of idiots that helped her move out and leave her marriage, I have you guys who will keep me on the right path!
I have to end on this note. A couple of weeks ago when we had one of our talks, she made sure to tell me that her friends and family had no influence over her decision to leave. She swore this was all her idea. But, later in the conversation, when she was doing quite a bit of apologizing for the sh*tty things she did... well, all of a sudden, she was "pushed." When I asked why she stole all of her stuff out of the house when she told me she was coming for some clothes. "Uh, well, my mother thought you would do something to my stuff." Your mother, huh??? Why did you go find an apartment and not tell me? "Well, my friend (name) had this place I could move into right away and thought that I should not say anything until it was time." Glad to see your friends and family had no influence on you, my wife of 15 years!!!
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
