I sometimes feel as though I drift through this forum trying to find some idea of what I'm really dealing with. I pray, I try to behave in a Christian manner. Have I handled this situation the right way? I don't know. Have I not let God's words guide me through this journey? I think I have but I'm not sure. For whatever reason the man I have loved and cared for - the man who I have supported and genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with wants absolutely nothing to do with me and has demonstrated not an ounce of remorse or concern for me and the kids. Is my situation different from everyone else? I don't know.
My faith leads me to believe that marriage is a covenant. Beyond a contract or a legal promise - a covenant is a vow that cannot be broken. This was his faith as well. So what should I be doing differently? I don't know. I pray for him, I pray for our children, I pray for myself. I wake up everyday and go to work and continue to provide a loving home for our children.
I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do differently.
From what I've read; you are and have been doing all you can do to hold things together.
While I agree with Lorie about marriage being a covenant; I also understand that we cannot "make" the MLC'er return to the marriage; IF that is the place and decision THEY come to within the crisis.
One of the most PAINFUL things that I remember; was when the Lord showed me that He would not tamper with free will; and I was to let him go; letting God work on him.
He further showed me that this could go EITHER WAY; and I would have to be OK with however this could go.
I remember asking Him if husband left me; would all the work I had done on myself; would be for nothing; and He answered; no, of course not; that I would have gained the tools to take into a new relationship IF it came to that.
I was uncomfortable with what He showed me at first; then I began to understand that I could not "make" him love or want me; if he didn't.
And during the crisis; I experienced having been treated, talked to, and regarded no better than the dirt on the floor to be walked on. I KNEW he didn't love me during that time; he was incapable of love of ANY kind...not even of himself.
I questioned myself many times, the wisdom of standing for a man who clearly didn't care anything for me; and the Lord always said I was unable to see the INSIDE of him; nor could I see inside of the situation; ALTHOUGH I was right there.
The Lord was right; and He instructed me to do things at certain times; even though things didn't look, feel, smell or taste right..but He instructed me anyway.
Things got much worse before they got better; I was instructed to be kind to him; although distant; and to be consistently loving EVEN when he was NOT.
This was hard to do; because the first thing you want to do is return bad for bad; anger for hurt; and He instructed me to stay calm when dealing with husband....to show him nothing, no feeling, just a matter of fact calmness; as well as treating him as kindly as he would accept; and when he got angry; walk away after letting him know I would not put up or accept his attitude toward me.
That boundary just like all others, was for ME; and I enforced it many times during the crisis.
His mood swings; I learned to let slide off my shoulders; like water off a duck's back.
His threats to leave I dealt with by simply letting him go; and telling him he knew where the door was; IF that was what he wanted to do.
Each person is different, just as each crisis is different; I let many things slide; because they were NOT that important to address at the time they happened.
You know, it looked like I was letting him "get away" with so much; but really I wasn't; he wasn't accountable to me, exactly; he was accountable to GOD, long before me.
God dealt harshly with him for everything he did and said that was disrespectful...there were times when I set the boundaries; and GOD enforced them.
It was later in the crisis after the affair; and OW Withdrawal was over with when the Lord instructed me to hold him accountable for his actions/behavior toward me.
I also had to stand against him wanting to just forget all that happened; and go on with our lives AS IF nothing had ever happened.
I would not and could NOT let it all go; the Lord backed me on it; speaking through me to my husband each time I spoke to him.
I was warned that if I agreed to this; it would happen again...it would only be a matter of time; and the SECOND time would be worse than the first.
I didn't know how long ANY of this was going to go on; but I knew God could be trusted with the outcome; and I held onto Him with everything I had.
The most important things I ever did during his crisis; was walk my journey; let go, let God work, and leave him behind to either catch up or not.
I detached completely; and after truly seeing myself for what I had been, I also saw clearly the man he was at that time; and the man he had once been..and my love dissolved to the point that only commitment held me in place.
I knew I could fix me; but could NOT fix him; only God could do that; and if he didn't become the man he was supposed to become, I had NO need of him.
I finally reached the point after some time, that I KNEW I would be OK, with or without him; and I accepted either way this would go. Once I did that, God was able to work on him more effectively; working within him in ways that I could have NEVER done; if it'd been just me.
There came a time when I let him go in every way possible; physically, mentally, and spiritually; and simply went on with my life.
I prayed for the Lord to work within his heart to increase the spark of love that was still there for me; and I prayed for the Lord to deal with him. I once told him that I wanted him to be happy, EVEN if it wasn't with me.
Then I let it all go into the hands of the Lord...and this is always easier said than done. You think that if you don't keep yourself "out there" for the MLC'er; they will forget you; but this doesn't happen.
You are there; even when you're not there with them; no matter how they act; you are STILL there within their minds; how could you NOT be?
The connection, however tenuous is STILL there until broken by either the MLC'er OR you. There's HISTORY there, there's many years of togetherness there, and it torments them with guilt and shame. They KNOW what they once had within the marriage; but it seems so far away during their time in the tunnel.
The divorce is a further demand for space; and they THINK that if they can end the marriage, their pain will ALSO end...but it won't; if anything; it should increase.
Once they discover their pain hasn't ended with getting a divorce; they must figure out what WILL end the pain; and SOME at this point, begin to look within; but some will continue to search.
I cannot say whether you have truly let go and let God work, only YOU could answer that question.
In many ways your situation is different because it is unique to you, alone; but in many others ways it is the same; because of the SAME problem; issues within the husband, the change of feelings due to deep emotional pain, and the inability to look within(at least at this time); and the penchant to become rebellious; and the feeling of being "entitled" to just do whatever he wants without retribution.
Now, I don't ever say MLC is an excuse for bad behavior; but I do know at certain times; and at the deepest point of rebellion; NOTHING will work; not boundaries; nothing, except letting him go to make his mistakes.
And through those mistakes, to hopefully discover on his own that the best thing he ever had has been in front of him this whole time. And it's NOT the OW.
He's out searching for something; but it is unknown exactly WHAT he is searching for...and since he won't look WITHIN, the answers he's seeking won't be found in outside sources.
Self discovery can be a long drawn out process within the MLC'er; and who knows when they will exhaust the many avenues of escape they can try?
Only GOD knows when this will be; and only He knows when and if this will end.
I won't cite averages or numbers, because I don't know any; I've known people who survived the crisis; coming through together; and I've known some where their marriages ended...the damage was too much; and forgiveness couldn't be extended or accepted.
And I know some who are still there within the tunnel; fighting the demons within them; and no end in sight.
The only things I ever knew was to listen to the Lord; who has infinite wisdom, grace and mercy; follow His instructions to the letter, and to be able to accept either way this goes.
Time, patience, and fortitude serves one well as the crisis wears on; and the knowledge that it takes TIME to come through.
And even IF the MLC'er decides to walk away; know within your own heart that you did all you could do; including your journey to wholeness and healing.
The point is to let go, and let God work; in the meantime, live your life; and trust in Him for the outcome.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
