Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Harrier]

well guys. This is a tough post to write. I think I'm leaving piecing.

Huge fight tonight about the No. 1 topic of the day - Patience. At one point she said she was "done with this." I guess I was fooling myself thinking that we were moving along- of course I was going by what she said.

She said because I'm impatient just that shows her that I don't get how I really hurt her. Yeah, it might have been only about 7 months worth of damage, but it was equal to a lifetime of small hurts.

She said some really harsh things like "I don't know if we fit anymore," "maybe this can't work" The killer, the dagger in my heart was "I don't love you." She said that I need to back of and we both need to work on ourselves now, then maybe we can address the marriage part in a few months - why I'm leaving piecing.

We aren't divorcing/separating, basically she's giving me the chance to show her with my actions that I get it by not talking to her...ever about my impatience.

I need to fill in some details of my story. I haven't had the epiphany yet, like some of you. I need that. This may or may not help.

Basically, I was a total sh!t from February to October of 2010. I don't remember how or exactly when it started, but in February I started to get the feeling W was "pulling" away from me. During that month we got in a lot of little arguments and I accused her of possibly having an affair. I'd say stuff like "I know something's going on."

Then in early March, I told my W that I thought I was depressed and we went on a course of action. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed anti Ds. However, I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on with my W. I checked her phone, phone records, emails, everything. I found nothing. Any exhange I saw with a guy enraged me and I went off on her.

I went of the Anti Ds in late April as the side effects were too much. Meanwhile, my wife was trying to accom0date my every demand. Spend more time with me, tell me ILY, hold my hand while driving, hug me. Stuff I NEVER cared about before. But I continued the snooping and even put a tracker on my wife's phone so I could see where she was.

Then I started to pull some really cr@ppy stuff. I threatened to kill myself a couple of times even holding a knife to my stomach in front of her. I'd stay bad stuff about her in front of our kids. Horrible stuff like if my wife was going upstairs I'd say, 'Mommy doesn't want to spend time with you." Real dirtball stuff.
I also threatened divorce quite a bit. Also made stupid jokes. One time we were going to the beach and I said to my W that I should call her my first wife. That really hurt her.

It was like that the whole summer. A few good days, then a crazy huge blowup where I would either threaten to harm myself or threaten divorce.

She tried so dang hard to accommodate my craziness, but it didn't help. Finally, I got on some good meds in August and started seeing an IC in October. But the damage was done. She was just ripped to shreds at that point. It was about that point that she began an EA with a guy she's known for about 10 years. I saw the emails, I still f'ing have her emails to him. She never used the Love word and neither did he, No secret plans to run off, but a lot about how much they liked each other and there was some innuendo for sure.

Of course when I found that stuff, it confirmed my fears and it eventually led to her wanting a divorce in November. November was the h-e-l-l we all know. She still kept up the EA.

She backed off divorce in December and agreed to cease contact with the guy. December was me giving her space, and just working on my stuff.

In January the expectations and lack of patiences started. It has intensified in the last few weeks. It's lead me to a bad place.

Bolt, XYZ - you guys are 1000X the man I am. You will make it because you can do what I can't now.

JTB- I admire the heck out of you. You've bared your soul here - warts and all. I respect that. I wish you were the Mod for this section, you have a ton of great advice and courage and strength I wish I did.

I don't know where this train is headed, but I've been given an ultimatum. We aren't in piecing because I can't talk a bout my needs and she can't talk about hers.

Good luck to you all.

M