Ok, it's been about a week and a half since I posted. Last Tuesday, on the 11th, I saw a lawyer. I didn't really want to, but alot of money issues were happening and I really didn't see any way out of it. So... on Friday, my H shows up at the house to get a weekend schedule for the kids and I ask him for his address. He gives it to me, but when I leave to go to the store, he follows me outside and says "Can I assume you are filing for divorce?" He's pissed with me. I respond, "This is what you want, right? I don't want this, but I have no real options here." Then, because he looks like hell, I say, "Are you alright, because you look terrible!"
Anyhow, he carries on for a good twenty minutes about how bad his life is, he can't afford anything, he isn't eating right because he can't afford it, he's running because he's stressed out so he's lost about 30 pounds, his roommate has reconciled with his wife, so now my h has to pay the whole rent, his car is a piece of crap, he's already racked up $4000 on his line of credit because he can't make ends meet, etc., etc., etc. So I make the mistake of saying, "Well, maybe you need to consider whether life with us was really so bad -- maybe you need to see that all your other women really hurt your life. Maybe you need to consider trying to make us work." TOO SOON, TOO SOON!!! He back tracked like crazy. Said we had tried and it just wouldn't work. I replied that, no, he was wrong and that we'd never really tried together, that at different points in our marriage, we'd each tried, but always seemed to be on opposite sides -- when he tried, I was convinced we shouldn't be together and vice versa. Anyhow, we sort of just left the conversation hanging. SO I feel good all night Friday, sort of like a door had been opened that had been closed for a while. He didn't scream and say he was never coming back, he seemed to be thinking about it, almost feeling me out to see what I would do. It was definitely better than before when it was a definite -- "it's NEVER going to happen, get over it!!"
But then, for the rest of the weekend, he was SO miserable with me. Almost like, he sees that financially he needs to R, but doesn't really want to. I had thought that his current relationship was over, but maybe not, maybe he feels trapped -- knows that financially he can't make it on his own, but still wants the girlfriend. Our marriage has always been about control. He feels like I need to be in control and I feel the same way about him. It's always been a power struggle. So, I guess I'm not really sure about anything. I don't know if anything positive happened here or not?? Any ideas???? What should I do next?
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
Two weeks later... I was really hoping for some advice or comments here, but no such luck. Nothing really much has been happening in the R. I think I've only seen H twice in two weeks and he hasn't been calling the kids so really contact has been minimal since the weekend talk. I haven't moved forward with the lawyer and I'm unsure of what to do. In terms of GAL, I have enough for two people. I'm running, coaching, joined a "boot camp" etc. Plus the kids and running the house and my job.
Drop the rope - I've dropped the rope, but he isn't looking back. I just feel stuck! I feel like "Now what??". Still looking for any advice. Does anyone ever really come back from this? I know there's no real time line for any of this, but I feel like I'm running out of time. One of the kids the other day said, "I don't really even remember Dad living with us - I don't miss him anymore." I still miss him, but it's definitely not as intense. Do I really even want this M anymore or am I just hanging on because it's what I do???
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
I posted early on the 30th and then later that evening had an arguement with H. We are stuck financially, fighting constantly over money. Anyhow, he showed up late on the 30th, asking if he could talk. He wants $30,000 from me based on what he thinks he would get if we sold the house and division of assets etc. It's a long, drawn out story, but based on what he owes me (division of debt) and a $20,000 loan from my parents, I figure I will end up owing him around $3000. He cannot wrap his mind around this, nor will I let go. I have 5 kids to raise and contrary to what he thinks, I do not have $30,000 lying around the house!!
He is very unhappy right now, and I think that he believes that this money will suddenly make him happy. Trust me if I had it, I'd give it to him, but I don't.
So, he shows up on Sunday, asking to talk and immediately tells me that he's been thinking and he's not willing to pay me or my parents back the money he owes. Then, he writes me the child support cheque for half of what it's supposed to me and tells me that's what he thinks he owes for the month. It's not like it's a number we agreed upon, it's straight black and white, you punch in income and the number of children and they give you a number -- but he says he's not paying it this month. So, I backslide. I say everything I'm not supposed to -- that I don't know how he sleeps at night and that I don't know how he can call himself a "dad" when he doesn't do anything with his kids and now won't even contribute financially what he's supposed to. I am furious.
So, on Monday, I go back to my lawyer's office and officially sign papers to get legally separated. This is NOT what I want, but I cannot afford this house, van, utilities, groceries etc. etc. to take care of these 5 kids without some help. He'll probably receive his letter by the end of the week.
I see this getting really ugly soon!! How can I DB and go through a legal battle at the same time?? If I could afford this on my own I would, but I can't.
Any ideas, anyone else have a similar situation???
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
Ok, so three weeks have gone by since I went to the lawyers. In those three weeks, things have gone pretty much the same after the initial confrontation when he received the letter. He was furious that I would set this in motion. He wants the D, but he wants it done his way with me and the kids giving him whatever he wants/needs.
Last night he drove by, on duty. I was shoveling the driveway with our youngest son. He parked the cruiser in the middle of the road and walked up the driveway without saying one word to me. Then five minutes later he walked back out and got into the car. I said, You have a good night. He drove about two feet, stopped, rolled down the window and asked, "Am I ever going to get the weight set?" I asked him, "Where would you put it? And besides the kids and I are using it." (He lives on top of a funeral home and there's no way he could have it there.) Anyhow, he hollers, "Fine, why don't you just keep everything!", and drives off.
When I finish the driveway and go into the house, my 16 year old says, "Dad asked us if he could have the weight set and we said that we are using it. He was furious, said, "Whatever!" and left." So, I apologize and tell them that he's probably just stressed with all the lawyer stuff, but really I just want to yell at him for taking out his anger on the kids. He rarely sees them, and when he does, he harasses them about our situation.
Seriously, does anyone have any suggestions?? This doesn't feel like divorce busting to me, it just seems like divorcing!
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
Today at my D's basketball game, H was there. He refused to look at me, much less talk to me. On the way out of the gym, I stopped him to let him know that 16yr D had driver's education tonight. Let him know that the cost was $600. I told him I already paid $300 and would appreciate it if he would cover the other cost. He smirked at me and then in front of our kids said, "You already get child support and that's enough you stupid B*tc*. Anyhow, needless to say that wasn't quite the reaction I was hoping for.
It always amazes me that he can continue to hurt my feelings. I tell myself I won't let him get to me, but he always does. Seriously, he can I divorce bust when all our interactions are like this??
If there is ANYBODY out there, please respond. I haven't had any replies on this board in a long, long time. I realize that everyone is having a hard time (otherwise, we wouldn't be here on these boards), but I would really appreciate a response.
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
Lots and lots of bad, ridiculous stuff has been happening. After last Tuesday when my h called me names in front of our children, my 16 yr D and H had a fight. Well, not really a fight so much as him verbally attacking her. I had gone to basketball with my S and left one s and three D's at home. I was gone a little over an hour.
When I got back, the 3 younger ones were crying and the oldest was no where to be found. When I called her cell, she was sobbing, telling me she hates her dad and wants him to just leave her alone. So, I finally get the whole story about 3 hours later. My h came over to talk to the kids. D told him she wasn't speaking to him again until he apologized to me and that he was no longer welcome at our house. H went ballistic. Screaming at her, swearing at her, calling her names. Telling her she has no business talking to him like that and he can do what he wants to me because we are adults. The younger kids get scared and run upstairs crying. D's friend shows up at the house, hears the screaming and gets her mother, who comes into the house and takes my D with her. Unfortunately, she didn't realize the 3 younger ones were still in the house.
Anyhow, I call h and try to talk to him. Not a chance, he is furious with me because the kids are "on my side".
Fast forward to Thursday. At my son's basketball game - H comes as well as other four kids, my sister and her two children. The three younger kids sit with H. 16 D sits with my sister. I am the coach, so when the game is over I go into the locker room with the boys for the after game talk. When I come out, 10 minutes later, there is a crowd around my sister. She is crying and soaking wet. She had gone outside to confront my H about his behaviour with my D. He literally shut his car door on her and ran her leg over with his car.
It's a long drawn out story, but basically, she reported him to the police (he is a police officer) and I think he is getting charged with either assault, or hit and run.
This just gets more and more crazy and complicated and unresolvable as the days go by!!
Seriously, is anyone out there who can help me??
M 41 H 41 D16 S 15 D 12 D 10 S 9 M 17 yrs OW Jan. 03 - May 04 S Dec. 03 - May 04 R May 04 - Apr 10 OW Apr 10 S Aug.10 ** H wants LS and D **
