Question about the Men that left

[angel61]

I read through your thread today at a the right time because I have started feeling hopeless about my situation and am having panic attacks. SC, a lot of your questions are mine too. I appreciate Laura's advice to you and will try to absorb them.

[LauraOh]

They do get that way--that hard exterior....hiding their true emotions.

He may have the "tools" and may or may not be "choosing to fix himself". It's hard to do, no?

I mean, you have the "tools" and you are having a pretty tough time of it yourself. Just saying.

I am of the mindset that most of your basic, garden variety H's out there, when things go wrong in the R, are pretty clueless.

And your basic, garden variety W, when things go wrong, can get a tool or two to work a LOT faster.

There are exceptions of course--but this seems to be true around here.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Laura he may not have the tools in hand, but he does have knowledge of where to go for them.
But as with most WAS he is "done" so he has no need for those tools.He has no interest in working "with" me.

That's what hurts the most I think. They don't value what we had enough to make things better.

[Cyrena]

Scylla,

While the MLCer may be surrounded by all the tools he might ever need, the problem is that a depressed person literally cannot see that he is depressed. He feels so despairing and dead inside that he starts looking around to see who could be sucking the joy out of him like that. At the same time, he feels so dead and numb inside that he doesn't have the energy to "make things better."

I know that you feel as though your H is deliberately hurting you, but he's more like a drowning man clutching at his rescuers and pulling them down with him because he can't see an escape from his misery.

Don't let yourself be pulled in by the drowning man. I hope you are continuing to treat yourself very well today and can find some peace.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well this is where its gets confusing.
When he left he was checked out by our family physician for depression. The Doctor said he was not depressed, not anymore than someone that left their family and everything behind would be expected to be.
The cognitive therapist said the same.

So is he depressed? Given the opinions of two professionals he is not.

[dl443322]

Sc, as someone who suffers from depression, I can tell you that I can and have been able to hide it from everyone including doctors.

Having said that, think about the statement from the doctor - as depressed as someone who left their family and everything behind would be.

Wouldnt you have to be depressed or not of sound mind to do that? Certainly a healthy person would not do this, especially not in the matter that these men have done it.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Well that was my thought Brooklyn
I have been clinically depressed in the past. I know what it looks like. The words he spoke to me were a clear red flag, which is why I moved and fast to arrange services for him.
Having been there myself I knew depression was a downward spiral into a very dark pit. But, I am not a professional.
Thank you for your reassurance. Your last sentence really points out the disparity of what I've been told and what the professionals believe.

[dl443322]

Then you know that your h has to first recognize it, then be willing to get help and admit his problems. Not something MLCers or someone with depression do easily.

I have been to several therapists and psychiatrists, While only one confirmed that MLC is very real, the others all said that someone of sound mind does not do this to his family in the way that these men have.

They say they are done, blame the LBS, act as if the are happy all in an effort to fix what is broken. And as they go through each thing in the search for happiness, I believe they become more and more lost until they look inside. It is when this happens that they may realize that they couldnt be happy because what was wrong was inside them.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Brooklyn, thank you.

They say they are done, blame the LBS, act as if the are happy all in an effort to fix what is broken.

Yes that's him.

I believe they become more and more lost until they look inside. It is when this happens that they may realize that they couldnt be happy because what was wrong was inside them.

Yes I tend to agree with you, but in my POV they try everything first to AVOID looking within. They distract themselves, because looking inside at where you're cut and oozing hurts.
What they haven't figured out is the only way out is through. Like a badly set break, the injury inside must be rebroken to heal well, and the pain will diminish, and they will be fully functional.

[LauraOh]

And you can muse and wonder and analyze and think about how and why until ? the perverbial cows come home.

And this will not get you anywhere. I almost went down that path with you thinking "Society doesn't support this, it's so easy for men to think that there is another woman better for him out there, blah, blah, blah".

Ooops--sorry *I* almost was encouraging this kind of thinking!! SO SORRY!!!

STOP!!!!!

Back to you. The only thing you can control. Now is YOUR TIME!! To exercise those mind muscles. To figure out many, many things.

Who do you want to be? Huge-this takes a LOT of energy and time. At least it has for me. I don't want to be co-dependent. I want to be compassionate. I want to be forgiving. I want to be a positive force out there. Balancing this right now has been very, very challenging.

Enough about me--who do YOU want to be? Write it out!

Focus on the positives so that they will INCREASE!! Yes! It's a fact, I promise you. Focusing on the positives in your life will bring more. This takes discipline as well.

When you want to dwell on the things that you cannot control, you must stop yourself. You must redirect your thoughts.

This is not a skill that you possess. Yet. Do you want to get angry and blame your MLC that you have to learn this skill?

I chose to be ever-so-grateful. If not for mine, I would spend a LOT of time thinking about the negative. In all areas of my life. It's human nature.

Should I have learned this skill ages ago? Probably. But there is nothing like this to motivate a person. Nothing.lol.

Focus SC. It's time.