I haven't done everything wrong...

[Rue]

Islander, It sounds like the new furniture got your mind off things alittle today. I understand when you say detached but depressed. I think that is possible because thats how i feel. I havent spoken to my H is a week either. Hes been visiting the OW for the last 4 days. Thats so hard to comprehend. I thought about it constantly. OW lives in another state which is good and bad i guess. It makes it harder for him to see her but then again he takes the time to go see her. I try to get my mind off of it but its hard. MY DB coach says i need to focus on other things when i have these thoughts. It seems the only thing i can focus on is this whole situation. I want so much to have my M, H, F back just like you wish. I guess its alittle different for me because my kids are grown and out of the house. It would be nice to have someone here so im glad to hear that you have your D with you. Why do you feel horrible? I just would love some communication with my H. and not thru the atty. Anyway I hope you can try and think good thoughts and enjoy your time with your D. Take care

[Truegritter]

Feeling detached but depressed. Maybe that isn't possible. Idk.

The LBS goes through stages similar to that of dealing with death.

ANGER. DENIAL. BARGAINING. etc.

So it is normal to feel this. It is almost mourning the old M because when you are moving through the stages of detachment you suddenly realize the brutal realitity of the situation

AND

Your acceptance that you do not control it.

Now

There may be a temptation here to leave your own tracks.

Now

It is important that you figure out what you want and what you are prepared to do for it.

It is no longer about whether you can somehow get your W to come back...

This is about YOU.

This is when you find yourself.

So get your minor hat out. The one with the light on the front.

And start digging in.

So you have begun to stop watching your W as much.

Now turn to the person who really can benefit from all that attention you are paying...

Guess who that is?

I like your sig. Now live it.

[Rue]

Today feels worse than the first day H left. I feel no hope is left. I sit here and think does he feel atleast half the pain i feel. And why wouldnt you want to atleast try and save a marriage. Whats wrong with trying? Instead I get a call from atty today wanting to sit down with H and his atty do discuss finances. I couldnt even answer yes or no to him. I dont want this. I know my atty is just trying to protect me but it seems so final whenever i talk to atty. I asked atty today if the court ever orders counselling between spouses and he said no, usually when minor kids are involved, which mine are adults. I was holding out for maybe that chance but doesnt seem like that is possible. Does anyone have any clever way of getting your WAS to therapy when they dont want to go? I know there is so much to save here. I know in my heart there is. We have never tried therapy together. Only me. Take care everyone. ( )'s

[islander]

Rue,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel my W will not return even if she wanted to. And I really believe that. But what I don't understand also is why not just try, what could it hurt. But I don't think that counseling will work if one person doesn't want to go on their own. I know too that my M could be saved and that it could be better than ever. But as long as my W doesn't see that, it doesn't matter. I am trying as hard as it is to work on myself and make my home MY home. I hope that she will see that and atleast spark her interest. If not, I am moving on "whether I want to or not". I started going to church,and the more i go, the more I want to go. you should try listening to the music on Klove.com it really helps. If you never have, just give it a chance. it is the onlyl thing i listen to now...I am sorry we are going through this, but we will get better

[Rue]

Islander, I agree so much with you when you say why not try. To me there is nothing more to lose but everything to gain. It just makes me feel like im not worth it. That being in this M was pure hell for him. Although he has said he has been very happy in the M. I really think at this point the OW is such a big obstacle in my sitch. Shes making him feel everything good i apparently havent been. But 29 yrs of M is reality, not a few months of here and there visits or chats on the phone. It makes me feel like i did all this. I did this to our M.

[islander]

All of a sudden, I find myself extremely depressed and I just feel like crying. I had a good workout this morning, came home, played an online game, and now I am just down and out. I am going to go outside and pull some weeds, atleast in the front yard. I have to go to work tonight, but I am dreading it.

W text me early this morning about getting together to do bills and taxes on Monday, and said she wanted to discuss a few things. Maybe that is why I am down, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks all over again.

[Rue]

Im sorry for your pain today. I really hope you have a better day tomorrow. I hope you have lots of support around you. I do have support for myself but unfortunately they are not supportive of my H. They cant understand why i would even want him back in my life. Anyway, stay strong.

[islander]

I am feeling better and more detached today. I replaced all of the pictures of my W with pictures of our kids. I moved a few things around, and plan on tiling and painting a room soon.

My W is coming over to do bills and to discuss a few things on Monday. I need to and want to do a better job than I did last week when she came over. She will definitely notice the changes I have made in our house. But the changes I made are for me. I am seriously considering keeping the house if she does not come back, and I need to make it mine.

On Monday I am not going to bring up our R at all. If she brings up the D or anything else I am going to be short with her and not discuss it. Tell her I have a lot to think about, and maybe say that my feelings have not changed "too much" but again, I have a lot of thinking to do. I hope it goes well. I am starting to believe that I will be ok with or without her, but I know I still want to save our M with everything that I am.

[islander]

It seems as though every once and awhile, I am starting wonder why it is that I even want to save my M. I guess this is normal, maybe even part of detaching. I do want to save it, but maybe I am starting to accept the reality that I may not be able to. I guess this can only help me GAL.

[Denver_2010]

That is detachment Islander. Hang in there. You are doing great!

BITS
Denver