Fun in My Future...

[holdingon]

(((((Karen)))))
Honey, have you picked up the DR book or just using it as a paperweight/collector? I only ask because of this statement that you made in your post

why do I want so bad for him to change and to help me

Repeat after me: I cannot make my H change, I can only change me. Okay? If you are waiting for him to change or trying to control his behavior, keep banging your head against that wall. Keep beating that dead horse.

He says he is tired and doesn't want to talk about it until another day.

So, you HAVE to give him space when he says stuff like this. This is a cheeseless tunnel to keep pushing him to talk when he just told you he didn't want to. This is controlling behavior.

I just feel so angry that all of our probs are on me. There are a lot of things that he said he would do for our r, but now he refuses b/c he doesn't want to be controlled. He says I am impatient and don't give him enough time to improve on these things before I get upset and start crying again

I don't know if your H is having a MLC or what... but I do know that if he is, or any sort of crisis, YES, all the problems (in his mind) are YOUR FAULT. Again, read DR, especially the MLC chapter. Of course, he does not want to be controlled, and you MUST be PATIENT. You must step back from the R. You must let him lead, drop the rope as they say.

feel like he is not participating

You cannot count on his participation, you have to go at this as if you are going at it alone. It is a huge burden, yes...

Well, now I am anxious to hear what he has to say, but I think in order to not fight that I need to validate his feelings, and not point the finger back at him

Let him come to you, stop running after him.

Although, he has been making a lot of baby steps-calling more often to say hi or let me know where he is, asking if i care if he goes out (sat. when i was sick),
doing housework, etc.

Okay, start with these. You said yourself "lots of baby steps." Right these down. Journal. Just the positives, not all the negatives. Make yourself see. Give this time. Stop taking its temperature. Let it heal.

I need to not be so paranoid and have my life depend on him.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I need to quit blaming him in my head somehow and having expectations

Yes. NO EXPECTATIONS

I thought, if he wants me, why can't he say it?

I used to think like this with my H. Is physical touch his love language? Then why not GIVE it to him when he wants it. Why does he have to ask? Because you WANT him to ask? That, too, is controlling behavior and a lot of us women are guilty of controlling sex because we can. We want our man to ask for it, or do without instead of freely offering it up like it is a gift we WANT to give to them. Would this fill up his love bank? Would he WANT to give more to you? Fill him up, Karen. Do it when you can. With no expectations.

I asked if i was to assume that he didn't want to snuggle. He said he never said that. Well, he never said or indicated that he did.

Why not snuggle with him... risk rejection. Snuggle with no expectation. Take advantage of the h.o. Offer physical touch when you can, don't make him ask.

Karen, think of your positives. That is the only way to get out of this funk. You need to let a lot of this stuff go... act as if everything is wonderful. Agree with everything he says. Find things you respect about him and tell him what those are. Make him feel better about himself. When he does those baby steps, affirm them, let him know how much you appreciate it. Be cheery, loving, horny with him. Be the flirty girlfriend. No pressure, No R talks. NONE. Let him talk to you. Let him come to you. Find your life, what makes you happy and do those things. Get busy.

Don't let his emotions, his stuff run your life. Set some goals, you can do it. Is this HARD? Yes. But you have to do it, Karen. IF YOU WANT to do it. You can't make him. You can only control you. Take care of yourself, sweetie. Decide if this M is worth working on. And if it is, get yourself a Starbucks and sit down and read.