Hi, how is everyone doing? I feel pretty crappy right now. I was in a good mood and thought that h and i were recovering from my battering him over the holidays. Last night he said he's been really tired lately, so i said maybe you are fighting off a cold, he said no, then i said stressed out? He said kinda. I asked if it was about work and he said no. So I get sad and ask if it is me. He says he is tired and doesn't want to talk about it until another day.
I cry, he asks why I am doing this. I say because I don't want you to divorce me. (OK, I'm slightly paranoid). He told me not to jump to conclusions. I had a horrible night sleep, cried a lot, was having coughing fits, went out to the couch.
I just feel so angry that all of our probs are on me. There are a lot of things that he said he would do for our r, but now he refuses b/c he doesn't want to be controlled. He says I am impatient and don't give him enough time to improve on these things before I get upset and start crying again.
This marriage is obviously not how I had imagined. I know I have hurt him and continue to, so why do I want so bad for him to change and to help me? ie reassurances, putting effort into the romance of our r, planning stuff, telling me loves or cares about me. He says he will do that stuff when he is good and ready. I've stepped on his toes so many times that he is not putting them out there anymore.
Well, now I am anxious to hear what he has to say, but I think in order to not fight that I need to validate his feelings, and not point the finger back at him. He knows he is stubborn. But, I don't think bringing this up will help. Not sure??? I want to save my m, I'm just having a really hard time doing it and feel like he is not participating. Although, he has been making a lot of baby steps-calling more often to say hi or let me know where he is, asking if i care if he goes out (sat. when i was sick), doing housework, etc.
I need to not be so paranoid and have my life depend on him. I need to quit blaming him in my head somehow and having expectations. But, I am tired of trying to read his mind. Last night we went to bed and he was laying in a way not conducive to snuggling and one point i thought he was going to initiate sex, but i jokingly said, what are you doing b/c he kept looking at me then rolls over w/a h.o. I thought, if he wants me, why can't he say it? So he backed off and rolled over. I asked if i was to assume that he didn't want to snuggle. He said he never said that. Well, he never said or indicated that he did.
