Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

This has been an interesting week to say the least. After our sexual encounter/deep conversation earlier this week, he seemed to retract a bit. But then mid-week, he started up with a lot of texts, emails, IMs, calls etc. He asked me to call him just because he liked to talk to me. As a result, we ended up having some more deep conversations. The past few times, he's ended up coming over in the middle of the night to continue the conversation and enjoy a little intimate time. However, each time, his mind has been rather clouded with alcohol. But he's been saying over and over how amazed he is with me and how he's blown away by the changes he's seen in me. He can't seem to believe that I haven't strayed from the marriage EVER. He doesn't understand why I'd stay for him when he feels like I'm now out of his league (according to him). But I sense a change in him. He's viewing past events in a new light. He's being a little more honest with himself about the TRUE reasons for his actions. And in fact, it ended up that we finally had a conversation about how he dealt with the x-OW at the recent conference.

He told me that months earlier, he had agreed to pick her up from the airport when she arrived. So he did so even though they were no longer together. He said he took a friend along so there wasn't any weirdness and he realizes she could have found another way to the hotel. Prior to the conference, despite having told me earlier that he was leaving the OW (which he did) and was going to try to make the marriage work, he still felt like he was being forced into the situation due to my D. He felt he was obligated to do this for the sake of D even though all things being equal, he'd probably pick the OW. So even though he had taken steps toward coming back, he still wasn't over the OW and still remained unsure of the "rightness" of his decision. I guess he and the x-OW had planned to talk at the conference. So on Friday night (when D and I arrived at the hotel), I guess she found out I was there and went ballistic. I guess she didn't realize I was going to be there and found the fact that I was staying in the same room with H to be a slap in the face. Apparently she viewed the conference as a last ditch way to get back in H's good graces and talk him out of his decision. Anyhow, apparently on the Saturday, she was upset and sending snarky texts back and forth to H which, as he said, made him want to just put an end to all of the madness (because he knows despite ending it he's kind of been still stringing her along). But I guess she gradually got over it and they ended up having lunch later in the week. He said she kept telling him why she was good for him and how H could work his schedule and fix his apartment so that he can still remain a part of D's life without coming back to me.

After the conference, as any of you following my sitch might recall, we were supposed to go to Key West together. H bailed on us at the last minute. At the time, he said it was due to a lack of stuff for me and D to do since they'd be scuba diving. Now he can reflect back (a good sign) and realize it also had to do with the weirdness of taking a family trip when we really aren't back together. Plus the friends going with him to Key West had just spent the week at the conference getting drunk every night with the x-OW. So it would've been major weirdness for H.

Anyhow, when he bailed, I got mad, recovered, regrouped and replanned. And then went on a super last minute Vegas weekend with D. He said that really had a profound effect on him. The fact that rather than get mad, I changed plans and refused to sit around moping. The fact that I refused to allow him to bring me down. And the fact that while he was having a miserable time with a broken ear drum and getting sickly drunk, I was having a great time. But it kind of made him think that perhaps we were not compatible after all. Because I was a "go out and get things done" type of person and he was just a drag. So his behavior after the trip, where he was very withdrawn and almost like he was when he was with the x-OW makes a lot of sense. He was definitely rethinking things once again. Since the conference, the x-OW has moved to our metropolitan area now (where as she was several states away previously). Apparently, H went and had lunch with her recently and she again made her case.

Then H started discussing some of the deeper things that we've talked about. The fact that he can see now that the x-OW is very good at "spoon feeding" him happiness. And he realizes that the recommendation that he find that on his own is a very good one. Because as he put it, "if I'm with her and she's happy, then I'm happy. But if she gets mad at me, then my happiness will go away because I'm codependent. But if I'm with you and you get mad, then I can still maintain my own happiness". It was good to hear him finally start to grasp some of the stuff I've been saying. And for you newbies, I want to reiterate that I didn't tell him anything by force or in a "lesson" format AT him. He has ASKED me time and time again about how I managed to make the changes I made. And this was all part of what I've said numerous times. Up until now, he couldn't separate in his mind, external forces (ie OW, alchohol etc) as sources of happiness vs finding it INTERNALLY. He finally is starting to understand. But he still has a long road ahead.

He's told me flat out that "he picks me". Meaning to me that despite the fact that he's broken it off with OW, he still wasn't done mentally. But I had already gathered that. That's why her continued FB friend presence bothered me. I reminded him that if he chooses to work on us, that the x-OW contact HAS to end. And that it has nothing to do with trying to make him feel guilty or being upset with her. It's just the way it has to be. He said he understood. But I also realized the next morning that he didn't remember hardly ANY of this conversation due to prescription drugs and alchohol so who knows if he remembers that part. I will continue to watch and observe. She's blocked me from FB so I can't see her posts on my H's posts, but I've learned that FB is dumb. If I see he has 3 people that "like" his comment and I click on it, I often only see 2 people's names. That means the third person is invisible to me (ergo x-OW). So I am still WELL aware of her postings on H's FB posts.

Despite H's proclaimed desire to "make this work", he still cannot be with D and I in the house without experiencing some anxieity. His apartment lease is up this month and he's faced with whether to renew for another year or move back. I told him not to force the issue. He needs to take the time he needs. He seems inpatient though. He's frustrated that he continues to feel so anxious. In fact, his parents are coming to visit next month and we had all planned to go with them to various theme parks during their stay. Realizing his issues, I've offered to NOT go along so that he doesn't have that additional stress. I'll make some excuse about working. He was upset that I would even have to make that offer. But he's seriously considering taking me up on it. I don't like it, but it is what it is.

Despite making some good progress, H is back to feeling anxious and acting withdrawn today. Some of it may have to do with the fact that we went out on a date yesterday (without D) and went to dinner with D. H posted status updates about all of it on FB (didn't mention that his wife or daughter were with him). x-OW just HAD to comment on every one of his posts. That can't be good for his mentation. So bottom line, while I find this to be good progress, I still question whether he's really done with x-OW. He's kind of given me these lines before and then regressed quite a bit. All part of the normal ups and downs involved in MLC. I'm just thankful that he DOES seem to be waking up quite a bit and is starting to reflect on stuff much differently. To me, that's what's important.