hi, it's me...
Had a pretty rough night. Finally dawned on me that the holidays are really getting to me as I am depressed. I stayed up crying last night (seems like there has been a lot of that going on around here ) wondering where my will is. My will to live, my will to save my marriage, my will to pick myself up.

My family has crumbled all around me. My sis and BIL essentially quit talking to H and me 2 1/2 years ago. I don't see my 3 nephews very often. She would let me take them, and is cordial when I see her, but there is no effort to be "friends" again. I have tried to talk to her, and em'd her and invited to our party, etc. to no avail. (Not excessively-I've given her plenty of space.) What happened: h & i got engaged at the end of april and decided to get marry that June on the 10th. He had hurt his knee and was off work. My sis and h's friend became realtors at the same time. Well, we decided to go with his friend b/c he was going to do the majority of the house searching/paperwork...as i was planning the wedding and rec'pn. (And my sister can be very aggressive.) I told her and she flipped out. then BiL called and yelled at me...

Well, since then my 2 uncles, and cousin did not use her as a realtor, so she is not talking to anybody. Furthermore, my mom and 2 uncles owned a co. together that went out of biz and 1 uncle and his fam. detached from the 2 siblings. (I know it's not personal to h & me, but they RARELY go to any fam. functions.) This side of the fam. in its entirety used to get together several times a year.

I love my mom dearly. She is very nice and generous...but I just cannot have any more than a superficial r'ship with her. As I've told you before, she is very negative and has a horrible self-image and horrible view of men (and feels free to say so.) She never dis's my h, but I absorb her feelings if you know what I mean. The more time I spend with her, the less I get along with h. It's not her fault as now I am an adult and s/b able to have my own thoughts and beliefs...

It's only been in the past 2 years that I have re-built an r with my dad. He is an alcoholic, was verbally abusive, and somewhat sociopathic. I always thought that the probs in their m was caused by him so i was really angry with him, but later realized that my mom was the cause of a lot of the probs! I will call him soon and see about spending some time with him. His is the BIGGEST testimony i can give to AD's. I have not seen any other person change as much as I have seen him change.

Plus I'm broke. I have to spend nearly $200 for a clutch for my truck. (so lucky to be married to a mechanic, no? as I do not have to pay labor!) h doesn't expect much as far as xmas gifts go, but oc, i want to give him something! (**emotional stability for longer than 1 1/2 months would be the greatest gift of all.)

My MIL has 10 cats to which I am very allergic to her new additions. I was doing ok there for a while, but now i get sick w/in a half an hour again and the inhaler does little when i am there for hours. And then she calls me "poor Karen." I just don't know what to say. (she's the one that bought them!) I told h that I cannot spend several hours over there on xmas, but would maybe go over later or something. I have not told her yet and i don't know if he has. obviously, i don't want to be by myself while h is over there...

ok, so how's that for a pity party? Shall we make a toast?
thanks for reading.
karen