homework .. in each of those categories listed in what women are attracted do .. tell me how you would rate yourself and why. and how you plan on improving yourself in the weaker categories.
Thats a nice suggestion. Yup, never analyzed myself this way.
1: Confidence : Moderate Why ? : I am usually a confident person when in comes to most things other than relationships. In relationships, i fall fall flat, especially with women. I cannot carry on a good conversation. I have this big fear when it comes to talking with women. Over the years i have improved by not fearing social gatherings. I can now move through crowds and engage in conversations.
Improvement: As i said, i can improve a lot here. I am introvert and most of my activities are introvert oriented. I am slowly reaching out by joinig some meetup groups and making efforts to go out with people. Not something i enjoy, but i am forcing myself here.
2: Physical strength : Low Improvement: Not overweight, but definitely can stand to lose weight and dress smartly. W always said i dressed like a geeky engineer.
3: Mental, Spiritual: I do love reading and am spiritual. Not my high priority issues for now.
4: emotional, attitude : Low Why : I guess this has been the crux of most of my issues. Now my W was the first and only woman i met. Now my parents always fought and i never grew up conflict resolution skills other than shutting down. I did the same with my W too. Recently i figured that i also text-book matched the case of the "nice-guy" syndrome. My life revolved around me making my W happy. If she was unhappy, i'd go down and would not be able to lift myself up. So whenever she was having her own issues, i'd make them my own and she'd end up helping me rather than the other way around. Over the years i have made some improvements, but the core issues still remained. After our daughter was born in 2008 and our family issues became bigger, i spent these years trying to figure out what exactly was my problem and how i could 'fix' it. See i knew that i was chronically sad or unhappy and that i had to pick myself up. But i did not know how. Unfortunately 3 of the therapists i saw during this also did not help me.
Improvement: This is the toughest. My game plan here has been and is gonna be 1: Read and analyze my behavior so i can understand the root causes for my thinking. I am an engineer so this way works good for me. 2: Develop a close set of Guy friends so that i can discuss some of issues when they do come up. I never developed any close friendship with anyone. 3: Constantly be on guard with my thinking. When negative thoughts creep up, analyze them and reformat my thinking so that that negative thinking slowly goes away. 4: Keep looking and find a good counsellor who can help me here 5: Try to start and keep an active social life. 6: Meditation and yoga.
What makes my wife tick? : moderate Why ? : I am usually the first to figure out what she wants in terms of material things. Remembering important dates and doing something nice.
Improvement: Always had problems recognizing her emotional needs because i knew i could not provide them. When i can get my emotional strength up, I am sure i can meet her needs here too.
As i always told my wife, for me understanding her emotional needs and being there for her and the family when she needed me was like trying to understand calculus when i only knew basic math. But I am a hardworker and willing to learn. I'll get there. I just need to work smarter and lil harder.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
can you describe a time during your marriage (in detail) when you did something that made your wife happy?
can you describe a time in your marriage when your wife did something that made you truly happy?
i'll get back to the homework later. but good job on the homework.
You know i have to mention this before anything else. I guess i never mentioned it anywhere in my sitch. I have no idea how this gonna affect my DB'ing.
My W's and mine was a pseudo arranged marriage. I am Indian. From India. I came to the US for my graduate studies. W was born and raised here in the US, but she's Indian too. I guess we dated for say 6 months before we decided to get married. I was 23 and she was 21. Looking back, both were not mature enough to take on this big responsibility Another complication was also the culture barrier which i should say is big. Anyway, we did have our good and bad times after marriage because both of us were studying and we lost important years right after our marriage where we could have bonded. Both of us were in different states. But against the odds, we did find lot of things common between us. You could say we sorta dated after our marriage. But yes my wife initially did feel that marriage was thrust upon her by her family. But this because a non issue as time went by.
But one of the biggest problems created here was that my W's parents always tried to help us out when we had marital issues. Initially they tried to help us out evenly. But later on my in-laws kept telling to just adjust to W's behavior and go with the flow. I did start doing that. But later on i found that there are some things about me that i just could not change. Like my anxiety, my general panickyness etc. At the end my W said that she tried to tell me for 11 years to change, but i could not. So she knows that i'll never change and so decided to leave.
To answer your questions.
In 2003 right after i got my first job, i decided that i wanted to buy my W a nice diamond ring. She worked while i was doing my final semester of my graduate studies and i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her doing this. So we to this nice itallian restaurant and i give her a card with flaps. Inside each flap was a toy item (like toy car, toy airplane). Then she opens the flap that a diamond on it. Then she says "oh thats nice toy diamond ring. almost looks real". I said "It is real". The screamed and jumped up. Then she kissed me. We had an awesome time that evening. Went out to a movie too. She always talked about that one. I believe that must be her best memories.
She always talked on how carefree i was during our earlier years of our marriage. Yup, at that time we spent my entire paycheck(s) buying stuff and somehow i was not bothered by it. She also talks on how i was such a romantic. Yup, i used to go to great lengths to surprise her. Every year she knows that on important dates she can walk into a room that has been transformed and there's a surprise gift waiting for her. She loved that.
This might be really odd, but everytime my W talked to my parents, laughed with them and asked them how they were doing made me the happiest. See my parents live in India and i am the only child. So i always had this guilt that i am not there for them. So when my W wanted to have a good relationship with them, i loved it. But i am also the type that if she gave me a compliment that i made good food that evening, it would make my day.
I guess the lynchpin was 2 things.
1: W felt that over the years i became much more worried un-necessarly about money and tried to control her on it. I guess after i made some friends and after they constantly compared each other as to where they stand financially, yup, i did panic that we were not saving enough. And as in my nature i became panicky trying to stop pennies. But the funny thing was i never complained when my wife bought some real big ticket items.
2: After daughter was born in 2008 and my parents came to visit, relationship between W and my parents soured. I totally failed in handling that delicate situation and things got so bad that my W nor her family talks to my parents. So i fell into this huge guilt trip that if only i did better, this could have been avoided. By then W got fed up with my depressed attitude and left for 6 months in 2009. When she came back, i guess i finally got my rid of that guilt. But ultimately our relationship got strained and we lost that emotional closeness. W also developed a bad temper and everytime she lost it and told me i was responsible for her losing it, i just became even more withdrawn that i am sure just irritated her more. At the end it was a vicious circle that ended here.
I know i went way off topic. But even though my sitch is little unique, it has the same fundamental characteristics as everyone else. Wife and husband on 2 different wavelengths unable to communicate and understand each other. Only difference being that Indians usually dont get divorced, but if they do, they are very quick to abandon the relationship. But I love my wife and family way too much. I am gonna make every effort to salvage my marriage.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Karma still keeping up with you. I think you have yourself a winner with "dumped" she is giving you great advice. Since I got tired of giving you 2x4's I guess she has taken on the mantle HA
Dumbed can you provide a link to both those post you described. I can't find them..............
Hi 2step. Yup all those 2x4's do really help. Makes me take a hard look at myself. As i was telling Dumped4MIL, i've had a loong time to feel sorry for myself and be down. But I am determined to make every effort to rise above all this. I just need to get into a good groove. Well at-least i now have my weekends planned. Playing tennis with buddies, exercising, and now that my parents are here for a while, taking them out to places. I am gonna force myself out of this rut.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
