You can feel free to shed the light in my face anytime!
I really appreciate (you guys) you ladies folks being here. **Friends! that's the word I'm looking for! I know I don't claim to be a lady!
Still feeling a little sick. I did go home early yesterday. Well, I left work, went to the store, the library, another store, home. Found h in bed, we snoozed, then woke up . Guess we made up a little too... OOhhh very nice... Why can't I just be nice to the guy all the time??? Guess he didn't care about missing the bike/hike. It's getting cold outside-supposed to be in the 20's. We ate dinner, watched a movie.
I don't know what I/we am/are doing this weekend. May take it easy tonight. ?? Got the weekend magazine to check out bands. We've talked about going to see The Missing. He is taking a break from band practice for about a month b/c of the holidays. Have to do some more xmas shopping. Found out I'm getting a little $ for a bonus from work! that helps!
Maybe today's goal can be to keep any waves from knocking over the castle and just letting it stand. I don't have much energy for much else like doing any double axels or anything. AS IF!!! ttys! karen
Remember back to the early days of DBing and you had to "act as if"?
For me that principle applies to getting out of most any rut. If you want to be the one who is admiring the sand castle, then you have to act as if in the begining. Then it will be easier, not so much of an act, because now you will truly start to feel proud of the sand castle, saying "yeah thats right, MY H did that!"
Identifing the problem is half the battle. You have the tools girl! You can do it.
Last night was fine. H has been shopping on-line for digi camera. I want to pitch in $ for it too so it can be "ours." So, we looked on puter for a while, ordered din., watched a funny movie, went to bed. Had nice, pleasant convo. w/some laffs & . It's nice when we (I) can get back on track and not stay in the pit and wallow in crud...I can tell it really helps him too. A friend called and we are going to a concert w/her and her h in jan. I'm looking forward to that! She & I also talked about getting together for din. sometime. (She is originally part of a group of friends of h's, but I wanted to become better friends with her...)
This morn. he got up for work and usually eats bfast and watches tv, this morn. he came back to bed for a few min. and I was surprised-it was nice that he wanted to come back to snuggle and talk camera some more. (or was he just cold?) He's being really supportive as far as finding one that has manual/fancy-do features for me that is point & shoot for him too. That shows some commitment, no? If he didn't want to be with me or care about me, he wouldn't care about what kind of camera he got or be so concerned about something that I am really into. (...or was...)
I am overwhelmed with laundry to put away that is piled in my bedroom. I need to just break it down into chunks of time like the flyladies. laundry, bb, laundry, bb, eat something, bb...tee hee
still don't feel like doing anything too active yet, but will prob. go out w/h for din. and to see a band tonight.
hope you are doing well and db'ing your little hearts out! karen
Remember back to the early days of DBing and you had to "act as if"?
For me that principle applies to getting out of most any rut. If you want to be the one who is admiring the sand castle, then you have to act as if in the begining. Then it will be easier, not so much of an act, because now you will truly start to feel proud of the sand castle, saying "yeah thats right, MY H did that!"
Water-I didn't see your post the other day. Thanks for dropping by!!
Ah yes, acting as if...It works I know! I just get tired and well, impatient...
However, I haven't had to act much lately as h & I have been getting along pretty well. We had a great time when we went out to see the band, Sunday we did some separate stuff, shopped more for digi cam. and bought one! Forgot?? to put up the tree! Maybe tonight...
I have been thinking about the "crazymaking" that we have been talking about in a few diff. threads. (thanks UD!) I've had this insight before, but haven't really conquered it I gues. In my case, part of the c-making is not necessarily to get the words of affirmation or reassurance, but to see that H could/would get really mad at me (and sometimes I would push to REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD at me), but still STAY with me. For him to forgive me was the payoff.
I was asking Sage this and need to ask it of myself:
How does it feel to you to truly adore your h, to love him, to be completely open to him, to not have conditions on him? Do you experience that sometimes? I experience this sometimes . But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time.
To feel like I truly adore h feels very vulnerable to me. I love the feeling at the time-I feel whole, genuine, caring. Not whole as in he is filling me up, but whole as in feeling secure enough in myself that I can give unselfishly to him. I love it at the time, but for reasons, can only deal with experiencing that feeling for a short time.
What happens? The anxiety kicks in. What am I telling myself? People have asked and I don't think that I'm telling myself that I am unworthy or unloveable per se, but more thoughts like, "he doesn't want me. He doesn't care about me..." which turns into me thinking "he's not what I want. this m is not turning out to be what I had expected/hoped. He knows what I want, why isn't he trying harder?" and voom! there go my walls. I now think of him with contempt. OC, it is all based out of fear. Fear that he will leave, find someone else, not participate in our m, not help our future, etc. And the fears are all based in the future. I fear that the good feelings won't last, that the progress will not continue.
I have seen-**empirical data here** that h does get closer to me and open up to me when I open up, love him more, and do not have these emo. outbursts. I just get stuck! He has told me on numerous occasions that he would compliment me more, initiate sex more, be more expressive and romantic if i would quit getting upset all the time.
Can you help me get unstuck? I need to get back on the db wagon full-time!! I broke a record of getting along for 6 weeks, can i beat that?
You know what else, on dealing with your fear, you can't be a more fearful person than I am. My whole life has been lived in some sort of fear or other. But, you know what, you have told me that you are better not in an R than in one. So there is your answer, IF it did ever happen, he left, found someone else, or whatever YOU WOULD SURVIVE and even eventually thrive.
But, you don't want to live your life today worrying about fears that may never happen and if they do you are strong enough in yourself to deal with them. I can say this in complete confidence as I am sure you are a stronger person than I ever thought of being!!!
So, go have fun, relax and enjoy your life and your wonderful H!
As I told totite earlier, I love my fond memories and I am not going to let them make my present sad, because I don't want to add sad memories, just be grateful for them and be grateful for different things now. Don't let worries about your future take the joy out of your present.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
The anxious student asked the Zen master how long to enlightenment. The Zen Master answered a long time, at least 10 years. The student said, "Well I will work twice as hard." The Zen master said, "Then it will take 20 years." "No!" said the committed student, "I will work three times as hard." "Well then," said the Zen master, "it will take 30 years."
Well, whatever I am doing is NOT working. I f'ed up again. I'm so tired of doing this to myself and to him. Again, I just don't know if I can do this.
Talking about fear and anxiety and reading about other people seems to be like picking the scab to me. I continue to be even more fearful...I don't know what to do at this point. There were some plusses to our interaction as it did not become a heated discussion with me crying and freaking out, BUT, h was concerned because I seemed so cold and detached. I said, "it's better than freaking out, isn't it?" -can't win...
It may have to do with me spending time with my mother. I freak out often after being with her/talking to her or my MIL.
I am stuck, stuck, stuck. Maybe I just need to quit talking and thinking about my sit. so much...Maybe I need to step away from the bb.
Karen -- ah, your post says so much! Not the least of which...you know some things (reading the bb, talking to mom/mil, trying too hard, etc) which may be contributing to the hard time that you're having right now...do what works, right? So....what was the predominant theme of the 6 weeks where you were kicking butt?
Sage
PS I'm sorry if my fears have fed into yours...
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
folks being here. **Friends! that's the word I'm looking for! I know I don't claim to be a lady! 
. Guess we made up a little too... OOhhh very nice... Why can't I just be nice to the guy all the time??? Guess he didn't care about missing the bike/hike. It's getting cold outside-supposed to be in the 20's. We ate dinner, watched a movie. 
It's nice when we (I) can get back on track and not stay in the pit and wallow in crud...I can tell it really helps him too. A friend called and we are going to a concert w/her and her h in jan. I'm looking forward to that! She & I also talked about getting together for din. sometime. (She is originally part of a group of friends of h's, but I wanted to become better friends with her...)
