Remember back to the early days of DBing and you had to "act as if"?
For me that principle applies to getting out of most any rut. If you want to be the one who is admiring the sand castle, then you have to act as if in the begining. Then it will be easier, not so much of an act, because now you will truly start to feel proud of the sand castle, saying "yeah thats right, MY H did that!"
Water-I didn't see your post the other day. Thanks for dropping by!!
Ah yes, acting as if...It works I know! I just get tired and well, impatient...
However, I haven't had to act much lately as h & I have been getting along pretty well. We had a great time when we went out to see the band, Sunday we did some separate stuff, shopped more for digi cam. and bought one! Forgot?? to put up the tree! Maybe tonight...
I have been thinking about the "crazymaking" that we have been talking about in a few diff. threads. (thanks UD!) I've had this insight before, but haven't really conquered it I gues. In my case, part of the c-making is not necessarily to get the words of affirmation or reassurance, but to see that H could/would get really mad at me (and sometimes I would push to REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD at me), but still STAY with me. For him to forgive me was the payoff.
I was asking Sage this and need to ask it of myself:
How does it feel to you to truly adore your h, to love him, to be completely open to him, to not have conditions on him? Do you experience that sometimes? I experience this sometimes . But, why oh why, is it only sometimes? How to feel that way all the time? Or at least more of the time.
To feel like I truly adore h feels very vulnerable to me. I love the feeling at the time-I feel whole, genuine, caring. Not whole as in he is filling me up, but whole as in feeling secure enough in myself that I can give unselfishly to him. I love it at the time, but for reasons, can only deal with experiencing that feeling for a short time.
What happens? The anxiety kicks in. What am I telling myself? People have asked and I don't think that I'm telling myself that I am unworthy or unloveable per se, but more thoughts like, "he doesn't want me. He doesn't care about me..." which turns into me thinking "he's not what I want. this m is not turning out to be what I had expected/hoped. He knows what I want, why isn't he trying harder?" and voom! there go my walls. I now think of him with contempt. OC, it is all based out of fear. Fear that he will leave, find someone else, not participate in our m, not help our future, etc. And the fears are all based in the future. I fear that the good feelings won't last, that the progress will not continue.
I have seen-**empirical data here** that h does get closer to me and open up to me when I open up, love him more, and do not have these emo. outbursts. I just get stuck! He has told me on numerous occasions that he would compliment me more, initiate sex more, be more expressive and romantic if i would quit getting upset all the time.
Can you help me get unstuck? I need to get back on the db wagon full-time!! I broke a record of getting along for 6 weeks, can i beat that?
