The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Kat and DMIL, I appreciate that. My take is that the only person I'm hurting by not forgiving is me. I also see that she won't be happy until she feels like she has hurt and "won" for whatever that really means. I know.
I also realize that it's not just the man that's gets screwed over, nor is it "fair". The person that leaves just wants to leave that destruction I guess. Not even going to guess why any longer. That is meaningless. I see that.
Acting like you're talking to the postman? That's a good idea - thanks.
I do know that acting as if for now is the way to go. That's been very helpful for me for a long time now. It leads to the forgiveness. Wanting to forgive the first step, and I know that too. I'm impatient at this point, so venting helps me to keep perspective and get some of that out.

Kat, I don't know what my STBX really wants. I just know the actions I see. And thankfully that's not very much, but what I do see is poor behavior. In that context, my only recourse to protect me and look out for me is to keep contact to a minimum. I suspect that will last for a few years before she can treat me with some sort of respect and not just demand things. Either that or she will just stop contacting. Either will have to do because I refuse to be treated poorly. At any cost (except the kids - I won't let them get caught in the mess as much as I can control.) It's not lost on me that she will still have things to deal with in her own emotional cess pool. I have noticed the friendship circle has changed yet again, which really is only important to me so far as she is nowhere near done with this ride and I want to stay as clear as I can. I was told once that I would be done and then she'll figure out what she wants. That makes me nervous in that I really don't want to so much as talk to her right now. I'm not a masochist and she is very abusive and demanding when she tries to talk to me.
What am I doing for me? All kinds of things. I am very much happy except for this junk and annoyance. I've been training up for some racing this coming spring and summer. My 40th birthday is coming up and I'm looking at how I want to spend that. Working around the house getting it ready for spring. Hanging out with friends and generally just relaxing when I can. The kids and I are spending as much time as we can together. They have their lives as well, and I try to remember that. My daughter especially. My son is trying hard to spend more time with me while my daughter is trying to be a teenager. I'm rolling with it either way More involved in my church and working with the youth there. I really enjoy that part. And then there's work. Work has been very busy lately. And family things to deal with with my family in California.
All in all, life is really good.

As I wrote this, it occurs to me that my only real issue is with me. The forgiveness is chewing at me. I do know that it is in my best interest. I want that. I want to let this all go and just be done. I'm still very defensive and feel I have to be because I cannot trust her until she is in a place that she cannot hurt me any longer. I can see her trying. I can see her trying to get worked up and in a rage towards me. I can see she doesn't like that I am not willing to talk to her nor that what is asked for by her can also be asked for by me. She wants it to be a one-way street - still. I can't fathom it, but I see it. And it makes it harder to forgive even though I should be able to with or without her cooperation. I agree it is not on a timetable, but I do want it as soon as possible. <sigh> Oh well. Just keep working towards that forgiveness and eventually I'll get there.

Thanks guys.

AJ