Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Bolt]

hey man, I think that those baby steps are great!
It's ok to analyze - just don't let her know you are doing it

(I made that mistake and freaked her out).

I'm glad you are noticing the little things like the hand tap. That's where it starts.

Do you initiate any contact? Like if she's kinda in your "way" when you are walking around the house - and you gently touch her shoulder as you pass?

I'll have to say that sometimes, I would purposefully be in her way so she would HAVE to touch me to get around me. Sounds silly but I would take what I could get.

xyz - check out my latest post here. May give you a little boost or some help.

[XYZ]

Bolt - I did check it out. Nice work, man. I think you're a bit ahead of me, but I plan to close in fast! (or at least as fast as W wants to...)

[XYZ]

Oh...one more thing I meant to write earlier:

When I was over in Newcomers, Coach used to say often "listen to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you". Well, I think I had a bit of light-bulb moment this weekend. W has said to me recently several times that she doesn't think I will wait for her - I've tried to reassure her that I will. I think now that what she's really saying is that she's SCARED that I won't wait for her. Man, that really puts a different light on it. Easier not to feel pissed off about the comment when I think of it that way.

[Bolt]

dude, that is huge. Just being able to hear what she really means is gigantic.

Your approach is right to. Now you can delve a little deeper. How can you make her feel reassured?
What ways can you make her feel secure that you won't leave?

those are tough questions.


I asked a little earlier, but do you initiate any physical contact with her?

[XYZ]

I do not initiate physical contact with her at her request. She has made it clear that she will come to me when ready.

[Bolt]

gotcha.
I'd still break the rules - KINDA - like if you have a question and you happen to touch her shoulder - that kind of thing...
nothing else.

like the arm tap she did to you in the car.

[XYZ]

Bolt, one of the major issues for my W and I was that she felt I treated her as a sexual object by asking her to do things or wear things or go places that she wasn't comfortable with. She told me these things over the years, but did them any way and frequently gave me mixed messages (like "yes, that was more fun than I thought", etc). I choose to hear the side of the messages I wanted to hear and ignored the rest.

Now, however, she is very clear on these issues.

I think that since that was one of the major issues, the physical has to be completely in her control until she is comfortable.

[Bolt]

totally get it, man.
stay strong too!

[XYZ]

It's been a week since the V-Day card thing and me really backing off and stopping all pressure. And man, I can REALLY feel a good vibe in the relationship. It's sorta weird for me to say that because I'm a pretty concrete, fact-based guy and this is just a feeling. Nothing tangible, nothing that I can put on a chart or graph and say "see it's 2.3% better than yesterday", but it just feel that way. Really good interactions with W. I feel like we are "just being". I'm still (over) analyzing everything, but that's just me and I keep it to myself.

Last night W after work, I picked up the kids and we met wife out for dinner. I swear it felt like she was leaning in to kiss me hello and then backed off. Maybe my mind, maybe not. She didn't kiss me, but I think she almost did. I didn't react at all. Old me (like a week ago) would have leaned towards her, then she would have kissed my cheek, but I think only to be polite. She want's this, she can come get it. I know she can't hold out much longer. And I'm here to tell you, the gettin' will be good when she does.

Anniversary in 2 weeks. Got to not F that up.

-x

[Harrier]

Okay Boyz, help me here.

First I know every situation is different. But I'm seeing a lot of different things and trying to square that with my own feelings.

It's the same issue that has plagued us in some form or another - lack of physical affection including ML and the ILYs.

On one hand, a lot of people here share the same experience in that the WAS doesn't initiate affection in the early stages of piecing. With some variation. Bolt's W, I think does some physical affection, but not ILYs. XYZ gets the ILYs, but no physical touching of any kind. I get very limtied physical interaction no ILYs (she says in other ways), but my W very committed to us working. No mention of D or S in a b out 3 months.

On the other hand, other people I know are baffled by my W's behavior in this regard. MY IC, who also works with couples, doesn't know what to make of it. Another friend, who is going through her own marital issues, and who I chat with about this says that the affection piece is still in here M, but no ML. She says she doesn't understand my W either.

Lastly I know how I feel. At times, it feels like a rejection, I feel lonely and I crave her touch at times other times I'm cool with just having her in the same room.
The times that are bad cause me to get mad about to or hurt.

Is it okay to feel this way? Or am I being a completely selfish jerk? Should I ever bring this up to our MC? Do you have concerns you back off so much that you lose feelings for your W? Or the constant rejection from her makes you resent her.

How long is too long to wait? I mean I'd say I've been in some form of piecing for 3 months. I am just confused.