It's really not hard to figure out that I'm so tired b/c I keep hitting my head against the same frickin' wall. Or, as db'ers say, running in the same cheeseless tunnel, over, and over, and over again. Why do I think that if I keep asking, asking, getting upset, crying, begging, demanding, blaming, etc. for the same things from h that that is going to work when I know damn well that it just pushes him farther away?? Why do I continue to get so frustrated? I have to believe that he is not deliberately setting out to frustrate me or to upset me. I just keep thinking "if he would only try harder," or "if he really cared he would do x or y...," etc.
I guess I feel angry b/c we had convo's before we got married about what we expected and I feel like he is not holding up his end of the deal. Well, I guess he could say the same about me. He's waiting for me to change, and I'm waiting for him to change. But in all honesty, I was the first one to cause probs. Yes, I DID start it. Like I kicked over the sand castle and I'm mad at him for not rebuilding it. Or, if we rebuild it together and I kick it over again and he is not as eager to rebuild it, I get mad at him. Well, he's tired of building. He thinks it's my turn to rebuild! And to NOT kick it over!
I'm not sure how I got to be such a brat. I know what works in this R. and he has told me plain as day what he wants and needs from me. Do I do it? Not for long. Well, ok, so I beat a record! 6 weeks! Now, I'm in this rut. What will it take for me to get back on track?? Where did my direction go? My drive? My focus? My determination? My faith?
I just don't think that I believe in him or our r enough (or myself). I don't believe in the future-that it will continue to get better. That it will last...So, I shoot myself in the foot. I sabotage whatever good that we do have. I crush the sand castle again. Because a wave is going to come anyway and wash it away? I've never been taught that good things or love can last or that men can be trustworthy. grrrhrrr. It's insane!!! It's my mother's beliefs!! Just because she can't make a good choice doesn't mean that I can't!!!
I have a wonderful h. Why can't I just believe that? And I am a wonderful person. Why can't I believe that? I know, I know, my father always told me how worthless I was. I had to do right according to his standards which changed every day. Not like h, who loves me no matter what. Yes, I frustrate the he!! out of him sometimes, but he loves me. He's still there. What test does he have to go through in order for me to believe that he will still be there the day after and the day after?
To take care of me--I like to do physically active things like walking, hiking (sometimes w/my dogs), biking, sometimes lifting weights, volleyball, skiing when I have $, camping, canoeing, rock-climbing, roller-blading, ice-skating, dancing, etc.
I like to read, paint sometimes, visit with friends, watch movies, play on the internet, play games, cook, bake, scrapbook, photograph, thrift, go to the bookstore/library, eat, see bands, concerts, church, some sporting events...
There is a local entertainment section of our newspaper that I look for things to do. Park activities, bands, etc. I also get a local sports magazine that has club listings like biking, hiking, paddling, etc. There is a ton more stuff to do in Cleveland if I don't mind driving and doing a little more research (which I don't) and finding Cleve. magazines. I'm not afraid to do things myself or to meet new people. I did a lot of stuff myself when I was single like this.
Like I said earlier, I would like H to be involved with me with more stuff. When we met, this were traits that he liked about me-that I liked to do stuff and that I "got him off his butt." But, now there is a painful history behind everything which must be healed. I wish I could wipe it all away. I never meant to hurt him and I feel bad about it frequently. I wish I could understand and be more empathetic, but I don't. I know that I have treated him like he is never good enough, but??? that's not what I mean...And I don't mean to have fits when I don't get my way. And I don't mean to be impatient with him. I just have these expectations. I thought our m would be different. I didn't think he would revert into this shell. I thought he would continue to try (even after I hurt him over and over???)...
Look at it this way, he hasn't gone out and had an A, he hasn't moved out or filed for a D.
I think he is a very strong loving person who has been hurt enough that yeah he will still participate some but you are going to have to go back to being the Karen he met.
He needs to see that you aren't going to hurt him again. Yeah, I know it hurts that he won't help work on the R. But at least he didn't leave the R. Try to look at the positives. How many threads do you read on here where the WAS had an A, moved out, filed for D?
Don't smack me ok? I am trying to save you the grief I had to go through to get my life back. I think you have time to rebuild your marriage.
It is just going to take a lot of hard work.
No, it isn't easy, but you WILL be happier for it. Please, please believe me.
I'm not inferring your H is likely to leave, ok? Just saying yeah he isn't helping to rebuild the sand castle but HE ISN'T TRYING TO STOMP IT EITHER!!!
Go back to the fun Karen he married.
Don't focus on him or the R right now. Focus on YOU!!!
You are what you can control and you are who you can change.
Then if in the end he really can't see it and change to be with you, you will be a person much more ready in the future for a new R with someone that can see you for the wonderful person that you are becoming.
Do me a favor, let me see you become that fun loving, active, doing person again. I will enjoy reading about it!!
{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I got my life back, but I did it the long, hard way around. I don't want to see you even close to the route I took.
It is time for us to live and have fun again Karen and while you are at it, I would bet a whole lot on your H going back to the loving, caring person you married!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I agree with Sage that Pam's advice is invaluable.
From what you said, you've identified your behavior that you know doesn't work at all. You realize what has happened to get your M where it is. Pam is so right. Your H may not be making any effort, but he isn't trying to destroy the sand castle either.
Stop worrying about H and start having fun like you used to. Get active again. That was the woman that he fell in love with. If you become that woman again, then I'd say the chances are way up there that he'll become the man you fell in love with again.
You are a worthy, wonderful, strong, beautiful, loving woman. Determine to stay out of the cheeseless tunnel. Remember that God is right there with you. When you get tired, ask Him to give you His strength and to hold you up and help you get your footing back. He will. Marriage honors Him and He wants your marriage to be a good one.
What are your plans this weekend? It sounds like you like to do so many things. Enjoy yourself and, more importantly, enjoy being with "yourself".
Or, if we rebuild it together and I kick it over again and he is not as eager to rebuild it, I get mad at him. Well, he's tired of building. He thinks it's my turn to rebuild! And to NOT kick it over! 
I know what works in this R. and he has told me plain as day what he wants and needs from me. Do I do it? Not for long. Well, ok, so I beat a record! 6 weeks! Now, I'm in this rut. What will it take for me to get back on track?? Where did my direction go? My drive? My focus? My determination? My faith? 
I know that I have treated him like he is never good enough, but??? that's not what I mean...And I don't mean to have fits when I don't get my way. And I don't mean to be impatient with him. I just have these expectations. I thought our m would be different. I didn't think he would revert into this shell. I thought he would continue to try (even after I hurt him over and over???)... 
