The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

H looked nice when he left for work today. He knows I have school tonight. Last Tuesday (day after v-day) I got home from school before he got home from his day. He said he had a drink with a work associate (right?). He was surprised that I was home before him.

So...in my mind....he was probably with OW while I was at class. Doesn't help that she actually works where I am going to school. I can't get it out of my mind. My feelings go back and forth from being sad, depressed, angry, hurt to mad and *issed for being in this place at 46. This is NOT how I envisioned my family life at this age.

Then I faultered this a.m. on my DB'ing. I gave H a new watch for V-day but it needs to be fitted. I asked if he had it fitted yet since he didn't wear his ring anymore I'd like him to wear the watch. I am a complete moron. The fact that H doen't wear his ring speaks volumes. He was a man who would never be without his wedding ring until 2 years ago.

I feel like I am going crazy. I had the day off yesterday....and I actually drove aimlously around looking for H and OW where I thought they might be together. I just have this idea in my mind that if I could catch them together, he couldn't deny anymore. Pathetic I know.

I feel like I have to be guarded now. I know that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I am really an overall upbeat person...my friends call me "the nice one" of our group. I always try to see the good in people. I do the same with H but I feel this darkness and shadiness that scares me.

To top it off, my mom emailed me about a great promotion that my little brother just earned. She was so excited for him. So am I! I love my brother. He is actually the type of husband and father that I admire most. But this is what she wrote in the last paragraph of the email letting me know about my brother's promotion:

"By the way, not for one instant do we think anything less of you. You are one talented, bright, ambitious, beautiful, unappreciated woman. I don't think I could ever, in my life, do what you do. You are a gem, and if I could give you an award, it would be for "Most Outstanding Human Being on the Planet."

Odd for sure. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but with everything going on with H, and of course I can't tell anybody, I feel so closed off. I guess I should just learn to take a compliment even if it is a backhanded compliment.

Thanks for listening.