H is back at home, I think? He said he was giving 30 days notice to apartment complex this week. We'll see.
He's been around all weekend, but working a lot. Things are definitely STRANGE. There were more than a few times that I almost completely LOST it because he's on quite the roller coaster ride. One minute, he's coming home because he misses ME. The next minute, he's coming home because he misses home. One minute he's distant and in another land, the next, he's completely in the moment.
We had some really good talks. We talked about the breakdown and we talked about how his reactions were pretty normal given that he felt that I emotionally abandoned him. He's feeling a lot of guilt for something, though. I think the OW. I told him that if he comes home, he needs to understand that I'm not perfect and that I am going to screw up. I said that I can't handle him walking out every time he's unhappy. He said that he understood that and would stop doing that. Who knows if that is true? He is definitely still confused. I think that I'm right about OW and he's still working his way through that. At times I'm more patient than others.
So, where have I screwed up??? Well, when he said that he wanted to come home, I immediately backed off of GAL. It was like I was waiting for him. That was bad. I was getting angrier by the second. No good reason, just what was going on inside. By this weekend, I had stopped that and went back to my GAL activiies where I could. I got walloped with a pretty bad migraine that took me out for a day and a half. But I still managed to do for myself and not wait for him to help me.
Remaining somewhat detached works better for me, but I have to be careful because it really is a sore spot for him. Last night, I left work and went to the gym for a couple of hours. When I do these things, he seems to draw closer.
This morning, taking a cue from Bolt's wife, I paraded around the house in short shorts. Now THAT got his attention and it felt kind of good. Because of my weight loss, I needed to buy a whole new wardrobe of lingerie. Spent a boatload of money yesterday doing that. It felt AWESOME!!! Never do I spend that much money on myself. And I bought a lot of stuff that was sexy. Let's just say that God endowed me and I mostly like what is comfortable and functional. But I went in the complete opposite direction and that just made me excited!!! I guess it's all about feeling good inside and I really have had to work on that with a LOT of help from my friends here.
I guess at the end of the day, I'm waiting for the dam to burst like Bolt. Because I know it will. I don't know when, but I know we are a little ways off from that. But I need to prepare and in the meantime do what is healthy for me and my relationship.
I'm praying for all of you and can't thank you enough for your continued support because left to my own devices, I have an incredible ability to screw things up. My lack of patience and my anger issues still need A LOT of work.
