It's really not hard to figure out that I'm so tired b/c I keep hitting my head against the same frickin' wall. Or, as db'ers say, running in the same cheeseless tunnel, over, and over, and over again. Why do I think that if I keep asking, asking, getting upset, crying, begging, demanding, blaming, etc. for the same things from h that that is going to work when I know damn well that it just pushes him farther away?? Why do I continue to get so frustrated? I have to believe that he is not deliberately setting out to frustrate me or to upset me. I just keep thinking "if he would only try harder," or "if he really cared he would do x or y...," etc.

I guess I feel angry b/c we had convo's before we got married about what we expected and I feel like he is not holding up his end of the deal. Well, I guess he could say the same about me. He's waiting for me to change, and I'm waiting for him to change. But in all honesty, I was the first one to cause probs. Yes, I DID start it. Like I kicked over the sand castle and I'm mad at him for not rebuilding it. Or, if we rebuild it together and I kick it over again and he is not as eager to rebuild it, I get mad at him. Well, he's tired of building. He thinks it's my turn to rebuild! And to NOT kick it over!

I'm not sure how I got to be such a brat. I know what works in this R. and he has told me plain as day what he wants and needs from me. Do I do it? Not for long. Well, ok, so I beat a record! 6 weeks! Now, I'm in this rut. What will it take for me to get back on track?? Where did my direction go? My drive? My focus? My determination? My faith?

I just don't think that I believe in him or our r enough (or myself). I don't believe in the future-that it will continue to get better. That it will last...So, I shoot myself in the foot. I sabotage whatever good that we do have. I crush the sand castle again. Because a wave is going to come anyway and wash it away? I've never been taught that good things or love can last or that men can be trustworthy. grrrhrrr. It's insane!!! It's my mother's beliefs!! Just because she can't make a good choice doesn't mean that I can't!!!

I have a wonderful h. Why can't I just believe that? And I am a wonderful person. Why can't I believe that? I know, I know, my father always told me how worthless I was. I had to do right according to his standards which changed every day. Not like h, who loves me no matter what. Yes, I frustrate the he!! out of him sometimes, but he loves me. He's still there. What test does he have to go through in order for me to believe that he will still be there the day after and the day after?

To take care of me--I like to do physically active things like walking, hiking (sometimes w/my dogs), biking, sometimes lifting weights, volleyball, skiing when I have $, camping, canoeing, rock-climbing, roller-blading, ice-skating, dancing, etc.

I like to read, paint sometimes, visit with friends, watch movies, play on the internet, play games, cook, bake, scrapbook, photograph, thrift, go to the bookstore/library, eat, see bands, concerts, church, some sporting events...

There is a local entertainment section of our newspaper that I look for things to do. Park activities, bands, etc. I also get a local sports magazine that has club listings like biking, hiking, paddling, etc. There is a ton more stuff to do in Cleveland if I don't mind driving and doing a little more research (which I don't) and finding Cleve. magazines. I'm not afraid to do things myself or to meet new people. I did a lot of stuff myself when I was single like this.

Like I said earlier, I would like H to be involved with me with more stuff. When we met, this were traits that he liked about me-that I liked to do stuff and that I "got him off his butt." But, now there is a painful history behind everything which must be healed. I wish I could wipe it all away. I never meant to hurt him and I feel bad about it frequently. I wish I could understand and be more empathetic, but I don't. I know that I have treated him like he is never good enough, but??? that's not what I mean...And I don't mean to have fits when I don't get my way. And I don't mean to be impatient with him. I just have these expectations. I thought our m would be different. I didn't think he would revert into this shell. I thought he would continue to try (even after I hurt him over and over???)...

k