2, I am here. Yes, I do want to apologize deeply. Now that I have come to the realization that I was hard to be married to and caused her to leave, I want to come clean. Even if we can't save the M, I want her to walk away knowing that I was a good man. The kind of man that could fall on his sword for her when it was the right thing to do. A man who could put down all shields and just say, "You were right and I am sorry." I have denied her that for so long. It would kill me to think that she would walk away and hate me forever. Whether or not we save this thing, I still would like her to walk away feeling like I was a good man to have spent 15 years of her life with. Win or lose, she deserves that apology. I just have to find the right time to deliver it so that she will honestly listen.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Probably in about 30 minutes. Have a long day tomorrow. Just sitting up, checking on the BITS and trying to figure this thing out. My C gave me alot to think about today. He once again pushed me to file for D, but I stopped him in his tracks. He asked me if I had considered dating yet, and I told him "not really." I have had two opportunities in the past three weeks to explore other options and I have passed. He also pushed me hard to work on getting rid of my expectations and making sure that I am doing things for the right reasons and not to gain anything...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
have you checked out that article on facebook FOBD?
I saw that 2step and grr did!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I agree with his advice about the apology. I don't think I agree with his advice about filing. Although he would not be the first MC to think that in order to break the stalemate you should take charge and file.
My main point is simple. You carry a lot of blame. I get that. We all do.
This is why I told you to read the article on the DB site. It explains how you are not so abnormal after all.
Like I said make sure you click on the like button because grr said the more people like it the more they will post similar articles and I can use all the help I can get.
I am waiting to see one written for us men about women.
JB3, yes, I do worry at times about some of his advice. He does a wonderful job with my personal growth, but he is not the best at marital issues. I just found out that he is divorced and remarried.
Denver, yes, I did check it out. I guess I should have indicated that I "liked" it. I will go do that now. That was some good stuff. I plan on using that if I get the chance.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Ugh. I'm sorry that you are so down. I really believe that you need to regroup and come up with another plan.
I know I've said it before and I know you like your C, but I don't. I think that him encouraging you to abandon your plans and divorce undermines you and ultimately brings you down further. This has really bothered me from the beginning.
I'm sorry about mentioning the clock starting 3 weeks ago without acknowledging that 5 months still hurts and as far as you were concerned 5 months is a very long time. But, as 2Step has said, we are in a marathon here. It stinks, I know, but that's the game.
Sweetie, I also have to agree that asking your W where you stand is not such a good idea. You think that you are prepared to hear the worst, but you're not. Plus, "the worst," which is definitely what is going to come out, really may not reflect reality as you continue to DB. So what's the point??
If you want to apologize, go ahead, but leave it at that.
As far as dim vs. dark, it's an individual choice. Like you, when things were not well in our marriage between H and I, I would go quiet and not talk. His annoyance with me about being distant was a constant issue and one that he still brings up. Putting this all together, I realized why the going dark thing was a disaster. And to be truthful, there was no real way to go dark as we still work together. But what I did, caused damage. Dim worked better for me.
FOBD, you need to prepare yourself here. This is probably going to go on for awhile. What are you going to do to get through this? What are you going to do to mentally prepare. She hasn't filed. She seems happy in limbo right now. So, what's your response?
Big hugs to you, sweetie. It's real easy to dish out advice, not so easy to follow it when you are in so much pain. I know that. But, you do need to pick yourself up because we aren't going to let you go down.
