Just finished the DB coach session, some really good stuff. I wish I took better notes, but I am going to try to document as much as possible so I can remember everything later.
One part she really emphasized is the chemical effect someone having an affair is going through. Describing it much like a drug addict. In the beginning of an affair, the person’s brain actually changes. Just like the drug addict, the frontal lobe which contains reason, consequences and “right and wrong” goes dim, while the part of the brain which controls excitement, enjoyment, fun, etc is going wild. She noted how they have done studies on this, and monitored the affect on the brain. This physical change usually last between 6-9 months (this can sound like an eternity to the LBS). However, this does change, inevitably; this does change. Once this change happens, people start to see the OP’s faults. Arguments begin, the fantasy begins to end.
She really thinks the main thing I need during this is patience. I can of course not tell my wife to think any differently while she is going through this, and even my actions will only have minimal affect on changing this, the time table is set more by the brain than anything I can do. Patience is a hard thing for me, so I know I am in for the fight of my life with this.
She was hesitant on “going dark.” She wants me to proceed with caution. Especially in my situation, where part of our problem was me not being the most affectionate husband, or perceived as not caring, going dark could only justify her negative feelings for me. She also mentioned how she will be constantly comparing how she feels with me, and how she feels with OM. If she feels ignored by me, if she perceives me as being cold, not caring, while the OM makes her feel important, like he cares, like she is the best thing in the world, this will also only justify her decision to leave.
We talked a lot about the fine line between being a friend and how I should behave. She mentioned and emphasized the importance of being unpredictable, trying behaviors that are different from how I would normally act. I think this part of the advice really lines up from what I have heard here. Being friendly when we do interact is good, but try to mix it up. Answer some questions but not all. Don’t always answer the phone when she calls.
We talked about the “4 column” method which is: situation; normal response; new response; reaction. Basically for different situations, you try reactions different from what you would normally do, and then monitor the result, positive or negative. I need to start working these in, experiment and try to find things that work. I think this is great advice for anyone who doesn’t know which direction to go, experiment, and see what works and what doesn’t.
I am sure I will remember more, but that is enough for now. Overall, these sessions are great. She is uplifting and reminds you to stay positive. I thought her answers were great, and I also got some new reading material to check out: “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” and “The 5 Love Languages.” I will be checking these out.
Hope all is well out there in crazy land!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
