Oh, Sweetheart, I am so sorry that I was not here for you this weekend. I am so sorry that you are struggling. First, order that book that Bolt told you about (Hold me Tight). What you need to understand, first is that your feelings are perfectly normal. You need to understand that very clearly. I know what the techniques are and I try to follow them. But it was much easier for me once I understood ME. I couldn't understand why others seemed to be having an easier time of things and I was a blubbering mess. But what you are feeling is NORMAL.
Once you realize that, then you do need to strategize. Talking to a coach is a good idea. One thing that really caught my eye is about not sure if going dark was such a great idea given your circumstances. Listen, you need to really think about that. I had the SAME situation as far as "going dark" was concerned. I really thought that it might not be a good idea. For me, going dark was a VERY BAD IDEA. And if I hadn't regrouped, I believe the papers would have been filed by now. I altered my plan and went "dim" and that worked much better for me.
There are quite a few of us who care and want to walk you through this. You saw your thread and I was just missing you so much last week. You are trying so hard and for that, you still need to be proud. When reviewing what you've done, you've got to look at your actions NOT the results. Your actions have been quite different than the man you first said you were. That's HUGE.
Lastly, Denver is right on the mark. Sadly, the clock started 3 weeks ago for you. I wish that this wasn't true because I know that the time going by is really weighing on you. But she has been too busy working on the next plan to pay attention what is going on with you.
What do we keep being told??? Is this the hill you are going to die on?? You need a different plan.
I'm so sorry for your pain, sweetie. I wish that we could all give you a hug and be there with you right now.
