Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I read some of Coach’s posts, and they are interesting. I have a dilemma here though. Confidence has never been one of my issues. Even in this crappy, crappy situation, I DO still feel good about myself. I also DO want to save my marriage. Keep in mind that I am also the type to analyze, think things through, and debate the choices before making what I consider to be important decisions. This is what has caused me to not be too quick in making dramatic changes to the situation.
Coach has another thread titled “? For the Men.” In it he describes a business situation where one partner is screwing up and how to handle it. The gist being, take charge, set up boundaries and do not put up with the behavior. Now here is my thing, like I said, I am a confident guy. When the sitch with my W first started, and she was still discussing problems, one thing that drove her away was her perceiving me as controlling. I “dominated” the relationship. It was my way or the highway. She said this made her feel unimportant, and destroyed her self confidence. So what does she do, a complete 180, takes charge, leaves and finds another guy. Now she is in charge, right? And I agree, what I need to do is get myself back in charge, but with my situation, I feel I need to be cautious in how I go about that. So, this causes some of my hesitation to implementing an “I won’t stand for this” type attitude. Trying to decipher the DB strategies can be tough, and dbmod makes a good point in that same thread, this is not a “one size fits all” thing. You need to apply it to your specific situation, to the personalities of me and my W.
Now I am also not saying that this technique is necessarily wrong for me, but like I said, I am still thinking that through.
I have a lot more reading to get through, thanks very much for that link. Between all of Coach’s posts, I can see there is a lot of valuable information in there. Keep the advice coming! This stuff is great!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I completely relate about the being in control aspect. However if you think I bet you can come up with ways to be in control without being controlling.
You didn't just walk up to her one day and say "Woman! I am in charge! You come with me!"
You had a life you courted her she fell for you and you fell for her. How did that happen?
You are 100% correct 2step, and that is the fine line I am trying to find.
One thing to keep in mind, my W was only 19 when we got together, she is now 33. Women can change a lot over that time. When we met she was a rebellious teenage. One thing she mentioned was that at that time, what she wanted was someone to "put her in her place." "straighten her out." Over time, she said that she changed, I had not. She now perceives my controlling behaviour has "holding her back."
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Just finished the DB coach session, some really good stuff. I wish I took better notes, but I am going to try to document as much as possible so I can remember everything later.
One part she really emphasized is the chemical effect someone having an affair is going through. Describing it much like a drug addict. In the beginning of an affair, the person’s brain actually changes. Just like the drug addict, the frontal lobe which contains reason, consequences and “right and wrong” goes dim, while the part of the brain which controls excitement, enjoyment, fun, etc is going wild. She noted how they have done studies on this, and monitored the affect on the brain. This physical change usually last between 6-9 months (this can sound like an eternity to the LBS). However, this does change, inevitably; this does change. Once this change happens, people start to see the OP’s faults. Arguments begin, the fantasy begins to end.
She really thinks the main thing I need during this is patience. I can of course not tell my wife to think any differently while she is going through this, and even my actions will only have minimal affect on changing this, the time table is set more by the brain than anything I can do. Patience is a hard thing for me, so I know I am in for the fight of my life with this.
She was hesitant on “going dark.” She wants me to proceed with caution. Especially in my situation, where part of our problem was me not being the most affectionate husband, or perceived as not caring, going dark could only justify her negative feelings for me. She also mentioned how she will be constantly comparing how she feels with me, and how she feels with OM. If she feels ignored by me, if she perceives me as being cold, not caring, while the OM makes her feel important, like he cares, like she is the best thing in the world, this will also only justify her decision to leave.
We talked a lot about the fine line between being a friend and how I should behave. She mentioned and emphasized the importance of being unpredictable, trying behaviors that are different from how I would normally act. I think this part of the advice really lines up from what I have heard here. Being friendly when we do interact is good, but try to mix it up. Answer some questions but not all. Don’t always answer the phone when she calls.
We talked about the “4 column” method which is: situation; normal response; new response; reaction. Basically for different situations, you try reactions different from what you would normally do, and then monitor the result, positive or negative. I need to start working these in, experiment and try to find things that work. I think this is great advice for anyone who doesn’t know which direction to go, experiment, and see what works and what doesn’t.
I am sure I will remember more, but that is enough for now. Overall, these sessions are great. She is uplifting and reminds you to stay positive. I thought her answers were great, and I also got some new reading material to check out: “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” and “The 5 Love Languages.” I will be checking these out.
Hope all is well out there in crazy land!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Great points TG. I think right now it is for the right reason, I am acting how I want to act. What feels comfortable to me right now. I also want to point out, I see my actions more of "friendly" than being "a friend."
I do feel pretty good these days. I am doing a lot for myself, travel, guitar lessons, and when the season changes a hell of a lot more golf.
My attitude right now is, she is doing what she is doing, and I am doing what I am doing. She is making herself happy, I am making myself happy.
Of course I still want to make things work, that is why I am here. That is why I am doing the DB coaching. But I also know that my only path towards that is making myself happy, I making good progress.
One thing I do need to think about, what are my small, short time goals? With my W already being friendly towards me, what do I want to see next. TBH, I am not totally sure. Without that, I cannot create a plan to achieve it.
For now, I am working on patience. Working on myself, trying not to concentrate on the "big picture." One day at a time...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
