dno in tn here's my early thread and others. It's a good idea to read other threads of people way ahead of you. I know you'll find many others in the same time line, use them for support.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I am moving, maybe slowly, as I catch on to all of this and how
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I should play my cards. Sometimes you might hold a pair of 2s. Sometime you might play them and sometimes you might fold them but it really depends on who is sitting across the table across from you as to how you play your cards. I am beginning to see that all I am going to be dealt with her is 2's. I am trying to find for myself what will give me Aces or Kings so I can have a better chance of winning every hand. That might be her once she decides what she wants in life or that maybe someone else but right now I am taking what is dealt to me and turning that into the best hand I can get.
The cards in you hand don't matter. IT'S WHAT THE OTHER PERSON PERCEIVES YOU HAVE THAT COUNTS!
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One other question. Are you saying I should never talk to her at all unless it is about the kids? If that is the case then how would I ever know that she is trying to test the water? Or is it something that I give it a while and she will find a way to talk to me?
What's there to talk about? Talk is so cheap, actions are the key to recovery. If she calls and the kids aren'nt in the room, twos things , 1 pick up and find the kids w/o talking to her or 2 let it goto VM and then have the kids call her back.
You'll know when/if she's ready to R talk when she WANTS to talk to about R and is very sincere. SHe'll make it known to you too.
Sounds to me you're afraid to be alone. Start doing things by yourself, lunch, movies gym. Anything.
As for me, I do have a feeling my W will come back a second time. I am in a great place again. She will have to prove to me she wants to be with me. I am not settling for anything less than 110% from her.
She knows exactly how I feel/felt and I made it clear to her what needs to be done for me even to consider her being a part of my life.
If she can't or won;t do what's needed that's OK and it's her decision. I know there are plenty of women out there that would love to go out with me.
gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I don't know about you but I go out with my friends and have them over for dinner and share my life with them.
Well I got caught in another conversation today. I know I am not supposed to contact her but there are few things that we do have to take care of outside of the kids. We have had to change bancruptcy plans since the D. So there was a problem about the counseling that we had to take and she said I was screwing her over. I called her to tell her that I was not screwing her over and that there must have been a mistake. That is when it happened. She completely told every thing. She said that she has not had time to deal with the sitch. She also mentioned that she told the OM that she could not deal with him right now that she has to get her head straight. She said had cried all night last night and this morning. I told her that there was nothing I could do for her to make her feel better that should would have to deal with this on her own. She asked me if I got the text from her the other night. I told her I had. She asked why I didn't respond. I told her because there was nothing to respond about. She said well can't we be friends? I said no we can't be friends. I said friends hang out together, they talk and have dinner together and we are none of those. I said we can be friendly but not not friends. I said I don't want to be on your bad side or your enemy but I can't be only your friend.
She said she is so overwhelmed and pretty much asked me to hold her up through it. I said that is for you to deal with and that I can not do that for you and I can not help you through this. You wanted this and you will have to deal with the circumstances.
There was more but it was basically blame game. (her blaming me for everything)
I did not want to get into this conversation at all. I really do want to move on. I am starting to feel like I don't want her in my life anymore. Not to point fingers but she constantly brought me down by telling me I was never good enough at anything. This will really kill a person's self confidence. I have really found out these past few months what I am able to do with out her. Now I have started to question myself as to why I want to stay with her after this weekend and now she is wanting me to support her through this D. I don't think so.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
She said had cried all night last night and this morning. I told her that there was nothing I could do for her to make her feel better that should would have to deal with this on her own. She asked me if I got the text from her the other night. I told her I had. She asked why I didn't respond. I told her because there was nothing to respond about. She said well can't we be friends? I said no we can't be friends. I said friends hang out together, they talk and have dinner together and we are none of those. I said we can be friendly but not not friends. I said I don't want to be on your bad side or your enemy but I can't be only your friend.
She said she is so overwhelmed and pretty much asked me to hold her up through it. I said that is for you to deal with and that I can not do that for you and I can not help you through this. You wanted this and you will have to deal with the circumstances.
Good job!! I believe if more LBH's would tell the WAW that he was not going to be friends, it would cause her to rethink her plans.
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There was more but it was basically blame game. (her blaming me for everything)
Yeah, that's when it's time to say good-bye and hang up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't know about you but I go out with my friends and have them over for dinner and share my life with them.
Well I got caught in another conversation today. I know I am not supposed to contact her but there are few things that we do have to take care of outside of the kids. We have had to change bancruptcy plans since the D. So there was a problem about the counseling that we had to take and she said I was screwing her over. I called her to tell her that I was not screwing her over and that there must have been a mistake. That is when it happened. She completely told every thing. She said that she has not had time to deal with the sitch. She also mentioned that she told the OM that she could not deal with him right now that she has to get her head straight. She said had cried all night last night and this morning. I told her that there was nothing I could do for her to make her feel better that should would have to deal with this on her own. She asked me if I got the text from her the other night. I told her I had. She asked why I didn't respond. I told her because there was nothing to respond about. She said well can't we be friends? I said no we can't be friends. I said friends hang out together, they talk and have dinner together and we are none of those. I said we can be friendly but not not friends. I said I don't want to be on your bad side or your enemy but I can't be only your friend.
She said she is so overwhelmed and pretty much asked me to hold her up through it. I said that is for you to deal with and that I can not do that for you and I can not help you through this. You wanted this and you will have to deal with the circumstances.
There was more but it was basically blame game. (her blaming me for everything)
I did not want to get into this conversation at all. I really do want to move on. I am starting to feel like I don't want her in my life anymore. Not to point fingers but she constantly brought me down by telling me I was never good enough at anything. This will really kill a person's self confidence. I have really found out these past few months what I am able to do with out her. Now I have started to question myself as to why I want to stay with her after this weekend and now she is wanting me to support her through this D. I don't think so.
Thanks again Sandi for stopping by. I have seen a lot of posts from you on other threads. I like that you give the 2x4 when needed. Please feel free to stop by and hand them out when I need them.
The hardest thing to realize through all of this was that I can't be her friend through all of this if this is not what I want. The more I think about it; I realize we don't have to be best friends to help our kids along through life, only friendly. This whole time I have been trying to be her friend and until gr8 said that I didn't realize what I was doing. I thought I was doing what was right for my kids and all it was doing was killing their Dad emotionally. I am starting to reach a higher ground where I really don't care if she comes or goes. It is really amazing how things change so quickly when you understand your failures and faults.
Maybe one day I can be her friend when there is no emotions there for me. Right now I am having to support myself about her. How can I support her and give her good advice when I am the problem. That would be a little biased I think.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
I have an in-law who was raised in a D family. The D certainly did not leave them friends. But I have seen many times when they came together in a cooperative way. When there was a M, the birth of children, etc. They never pretended to be friends, but for an hour or two, they cooperated for the sake of their child and grandchildren. It would have been the worst nightmare, and I'm sure they would have been cut out of some of those things if they had not been civil to each other.
You have it right. If there is a D and the two of you go your separate ways, you simply want to cooperate when these things come in the family.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I thought we would have the business taken care of today but she cancelled on me. the kids were asleep and she didn't want to wake them up. I told her I would come over there to get this taken care of but she said I hate for you to have to come all the way back. So I said it is fine we will take care of it tomorrow then it is no big deal I just need to get this done ASAP. I then told her to have the kids call if they wake up. She then said DAOITN I want you to quit acting shady. I told her I am not acting shady and that I am listening to what she asked for. She asked for space and that is what I am giving her. I said W I want you to know that I do not hate you and that I am not acting shady and there is nothing wrong with me. She said ok and then we hung up. I only said the part at the end because I have never ever treated her like this and I think it would ruin my chances of her ever trying to contact me about R if she thinks I hate her.
Once I got home. I got a phone call. I thought maybe one of the kids had woke up so I answered. It was her again. She said S2 had just woke up and they could come over so we could get the taxes done. I told her we could just take care of it tomorrow when she comes to get the kids. She then made sure she told me what she was doing. She said she was going to go over to her Dad's house since I didn't want her to come over. I told her she didn't have to tell me what she was doing and asked if I could talk to S2. Haven't heard anything since.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
I read almost all of your threads today. The one was way too long I skipped through some of the middle but I was able to see the pain and confusion you were going through just like I have been. At the end I noticed that you started to change your mindset about the situation and then she decided she wanted to come back.
I too am starting to feel the same way you are. As her confidence level is dropping I am starting to lose interest. Also looking back at some of the way I was treated by her also pushes me further away. It is weird now I can tell she is really wanting me to talk to her but I just get off the phone as quickly as possible. I hope still really hope your sitch gets better for you. I really don't believe in divorce especially when there is kids involved. Kids really do need both of the actual parents there. I am a product of a single parent household where my Dad was never involved and it is hard. There has been a lot of times that I think I was better off than the kids who had divorced parents because I didn't know what I was missing. I don't want to harp on you. You definitely need to do what is best for you and your kids in your sitch but I am praying for you that things do work out for the best.
I really appreciate you taking me under your wings through this. It really means a lot for a complete stranger to carry you by the coat tail.
DAOITN
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
So I completely screwed up tonight. I sincerely told her how I feel. I just completely looked her in the eyes and told her how I feel. I just folded. I am so disappointed in myself. I guess I just really love my wife too much to see her in pain. I guess I would rather put her first and me deal with the pain. I didn't pressure her about getting back together or anything like that. I just told her how I missed her. I just told her everything and now I am back in tears because I feel like I just ruined my chance. The only thing she really said was if anything I helped my chances because of the sincerity. I guess I just don't have the will power. I guess at least I still have my confidence and I know I can make it on my own. I know what it will take for the next person. I just hate that my kids are going to be pulled back and forth for the rest of their lives.
She had really began to think I hated her. She had even told people that she thought I hated her. Now her confidence is built right back up that I am right here waiting on her. Chalk it up to another bad decision that I have made in my life.
I don't know if this cost me my marriage but it sure does feel like it. I really felt like I had made some progress with her seeing what life will be like without me and from her telling me about how she was falling apart. When she left I could tell that she was not hurting like she was when she got here. I could see it in her eyes.
I guess I need to hang up my DBing since I obviously can't do it other than GAL and doing things for myself.
Togther 10 yrs Married 2/6/2009 Me-29 W-26 S-5 S-2 Bomb 12/10 Separated 1/11 D filed 2/11
