Everytime I read about HD men's situations in this board I feel that life is so unfair. It must be hell to have to go through a long list of impossible and unreasonable requirements before sex is given to you guys (e.i take out the trash, the dog, the kids, work needs to be perfect, good hair day, the phase of the moon is right, and more and more B.S. that is usually NEVER going to happne all at once)like you are some kind of lower life form that need to be looked at once in a while from their queen's throne. I am sorry, but that makes me so angry!!! I cannot, for the life of me understand that behavior. We get and give so much through sex : love, acceptance, reafirmation , passion and many other wonderful things. When, for Pete's sake did that transformed itself in a control tool in modern marriages? I mean I understand that BEFORE, when woman had nothing, no education, no rights, no nothing, controlling sex was the ONLY way to get what they needed. But we are not on those times and I cannot understand that level of selfishness.
Maybe I am angry because I am not like that at all, I could have made a man really happy in a marriage, besides me being a hell of a lot happier too. But nooooo!!!, I got a H that has not touch me for almost 4 months and everytime the subject is even hinted at, we have a war zone at home.
I really thing us women in general do need more stuff to be happy an content than you guys, but is mainly reasurance, which takes in many forms, you know? that you think we are so special and one of a kind (why do we need that, I have no idea),but to the point of those impossible list of requirements, that is RIDICULOUS. It seems to me that those are just excuses, is like saying I will give you this only if you are taller by the end of the day. It is stupid and unreasonable.
I apologize to you guys for not giving any usable advice or anything that contributes to help anybody, but I am so angry. I guess being HD is a huge motivator, so even if my H is not being a perfect guy, I still want him. It is so hearbreaking to know he doesn't.
I am in such an emotional rollacoaster right now and it is embarrasing to post here sometimes, since one day I see a hint of hope and I post in this forum with a lighter heart and an optimistic view, then, no more than a few days later I just want to die and my writting reflex that.
I know what I have to do in my case, I know my H depression needs to be deal with before our SSM gets any attention, but how do I deal with my pain in the mean time? I am trying so hard to be a good wife and I fail everyday miserably. My anger and resentment is so present is almost physical, so even though I am not bitching at my H, I am not a ray of sunshine either. I cannot help my H and I cannot help me.
Why didn't I get a normal man? Why did I get a man that sees sex as a mechanical joyless task? And on top of that, even though he says he loves me, he can't bring himself to touch me. The latest excuse (oh, and there have been many); he doesn't like how I look and have not desire for my body. HEY! I am just a bit overweight, nothing more than that! I am not blind, I see I cannot wear a bikini anymore without loosing some weight but that does not render me disgusting! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!.
Sometimes I see no hope. Why is it such an effort for him? When I say we may be better if we divorce, he tells me to do whatever I think is best, that he cannot deal with me right now and he wants the bitching to stop. I have stop the talking about the subject but still I am acussed of bitching. I want to be wanted so bad it hurts and my H is incapable. I was told to put up and shut up or get out (not in those word but the same meaning).
I am going to start retrieving, backing off and start thinking seriously about a divorce. It is not easy, but I this situations is impossible and even though I don't think I will be doing anything yet, I see not way of getting to a situation where I am not miserable all the time.
MSM: MSM: Has he been throughly checked out, particularly his testosterone?
Is he claiming to not be interested in you because of attractiveness? One of my close couple friends have a LD male that says the same thing about his wife, and she is not that unattractive. ALmost sounds like another "Hurdle" being placed in your path to sexual fullfillment by your husband.
Physical Attracteness is the #3 need for the average man. In fact 4, of the top 5 needs of men are "Visual". You need to realize that a very BIG difference between men and women is that women are "Verbal" oriented, while men a "Visual" oriented. So sex for men is very "VISUAL". We all age, and start to lose some of our appeal, but you might want to make sure you look as good as you can. Read the chapter on Physical Attractiveness in His Needs/Her Needs. You don't have to be anything special, just make yourself look and feel good. If you think you need to lose 10 pounds, go for it. Then see what happens. If he still does not respond, at least your lookin' good for the next guy.
He refuses to go to the doctor, but my suspision is low testosterone too. I have researched the subject and he falls in MANY of the causes for low testosterone: smoking too much, not eating enough, depression, and some others. Nothing I can do, I have fought and pleaded with him for almost 3 years now about the Doctor with zero success.
About the atractiveness...... man! that makes me so mad. I am only chubby, not fat, besides I am freaking beautiful!! and ex beauty queen for pete's sake! I am on a diet an exercise program now, so I can again look by best, but with a pretty big dose of resentment. I am doing it for myself too, but I would be a lier if I said that my main motivator is NOT this f#$*&@ situation, because it is.
I may change my tone if things start getting better, but I hope I can live with all the horrible things he has said to me. There have been so many disapointments in this marriage than I don't know what will happen.
Thank you CeMar for your words, at least you understand how much life stinks from this side of the fence.
I could have written every word that you have said on here. If men are so dammed visual, why don't they look in a mirror? We all age, we are not 20 anymore, so stop bitching about women being somewhat full figured. We are supposed to have a figure, not a rail thin anorexic body. What you see in the magazines and in the media has been airbrushed, surgically enhanced, professionally made up. Few women or men even, meet those ideals, so stop asking us to perform the impossible and look "like that."
A confident, self assurred woman is also beautiful, and if our confidence is continually ripped from us from lack of attention, that shows.
What is WRONG with your man? Here I am trying to turn around the Fridgid Bitch of the east, while an EX Beauty Queen CAN"T GET ENOUGH SEX. GOD MUST REALLY BE TESTING ME HERE. This must be a test of my will. I have so much to give, you so much want to receive, and yet we both married the wrong people for our situations.
Cemar marries fridgid woman while Beauty Queen starves for intimacy and sex. Boy, did I get the short end of the stick.
Seriously, though. You have to get the guy checked out. Get him in for yearly physicals, especially if he is over 35-40 years old. Myabe you could get the Doctor as part of his blood workup, check the testosterone levels while he is at it, without telling the hubby.
Remember, according to the Bible, the responsibility of your husbands body belongs to YOU not him. And likewise, the responsibility of your body belongs to Him, not you.
I agree with everything you say, excpet I would add that it is not about weight, but just being FIT for your age. We all age and change, we just need to stay fit for our age group. Most men are OK with this, but some are more set on the attractiveness part.
What I believe is more important is that the women feel great about herself. I have seen those two lady doctors on TV they deal with sex and realtionship issues, and in the top 3 things they want everyone to do, is GET IN SHAPE. They know that one of the BIGGEST issues in relationships is that women have a BAD BODY IMAGE of themselves. I know this is the case in my marriage. My wife is so down on her own looks, that she feels LESS sexual. Heck, I think that bad body image by the women can actually lead to sexual aversion, she literally becomes uncomfortable being NAKED, which eventually has to lead to sexual aversion. Literally , the more comfortable you are with the way your body looks, the BETTER the sexual partner you likely will be. So this is why the experts stress, GETTING IN SHAPE!
And, no, you do not have to be modelesque, just be comfortable with what you look like. GET FIT!!
P.S. I think another reason they stress working out, is that exercise probably creates testosterone which drives sexual desire. There are other benefits to working out that also probably lead to better sexual/relationship feelings.
Sounds like a pretty crapppy situation and I feel for you. However, I certainly do not "feel" for your husband, or any other guy who uses physical attractiveness as a crutch to keep themselves from dealing with their own insecurities.
Within 5 months of being married, my wife gained 45 pounds in what we now know was an effort to actually make herself unattractive to me so I would not want sex anymore. This was a "huge" (pun intended) mistake. She was a size 4 (I think) now she is a size 10-12 and I love every bit of her even more now then I did before. Then she went into this downward spiral of insecurity and self consciousness because of her weight and used that as an excuse to avoid intimacy. Now that she is dealing with her own issues in therapy, she is beginning to become happy with herself the way she is now "super-sized", this, in turn, is allowing her to feel much more attractive and sexual....anyway...I digress to the point at hand...
You can enjoy the looks of a person, but if that is your only "reason" for being attracted to them then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself and grow past the age of 17.
As long as you are not overweight so that it effects your health, your hygene, or your ability to keep up with daily activities and your family, then I say stop wasting time trying to lose weight. Be happy with yourself. It is not your problem, it is his.
As long as you can honestly say that you are a better person and partner now then you were when you got married then you are a success regardless of your weight (within the aforementioned reasons of course). Your hubby lost his drive. He needs to be doing everything possible to get it back. Not for you, for himself. In my opinion, he has allowed himself to become less of a partner/person than he was when you got married and therefore, has not been a success. The guy needs help in the form of therapy and possibly medication.
You are completely wrong in one statement in your post. "I cannot help my H and I cannot help me." You CAN help you regardless of the situation. You CAN help him but only if he is willing to let you. I am going to put up another post of the steps I have taken to help in my SSM...they are simple but they really made a big difference in my life and things are actually stating to seem like they are getting better.
CeMar, This is true, but it aint a surefire fix, take it from me. I am a tall and slim woman, who is quite pretty. Until recently my H steadfastly refused to admit that my shape had any effect on him whatsoever.
It was devastating to me. I had a baby and instantly took off all the weight and never got so much as a compliment from him!
So, the women out there should get fit for themselves and if it has the fringe benefit of turning their husbands on, great. But I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket.
My spouse is very complimentary of my body now, once he got past his hangups, but now I am struggling with worry about gaining weight! Ahhhhhhh, it never ends! I am a size 6 who is inching towards an 8 (damn holidays) but I will take care of it before I get there.
So being attractive is NOT necessarily a recipe for instant success in turning around an LD man. Although I can see how it would definitely improve things in an LD woman's situation--improve her body image and she will be more comfortable in sexual situations.
