When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

Very good points Ali. I just can't seem to do it...too scared and too scarred.

I don't ever bring up the past, I don't ask questions about the broom, I never, ever talk about the future either. As far as I'm concerned I will take today and hope for tomorrow and that is as far as I'm willing to look. It's too terrifying to me to do anything more than that.

I do show him in every way possible that I love and care for him without actually putting those words out there. I used those words on Valentine's day and I nearly had a heart attack.

Trust? No idea how to do that without talking about it. Talking about it would mean putting some sort of a label on this odd R we have which he does not want to do. As far as that goes, I view this as a day to day R with no plans for a future and no commitments. It's not an easy way to live because it's SO not me but that is what he wants and I'm still deciding if I can live like this or if I'm going to have to pull the plug. There are many benefits to our arrangement and I'm not lonely anymore. Without being able to trust that he is committed to staying as long as possible I feel like I'm walking a bit of a tightrope.

I don't blame any of this on him. This is entirely my doing and I'll live with it. This is good for Marc. He needed his dad so much and I'm not willing to destroy that for him.

Ok........more truth just to give you some insight into how messed up my head is?

Saturday night I had a friend over for dinner and a movie. During the movie Gabe texted me and it got a little sexy. We made plans for after my friend left. Things were great, we were having a nice time and then I don't know what happened but I moved some way and there was a horrible pain. I won't go into detail but you women know what I mean when I say it was like a tearing. I was trying to suck it up like a big girl and just continue but it hurt so bad. He stopped and said it was not a problem and he didn't want to hurt me. I was pretty upset about it though. I made sure to tell him that I was absolutely not upset with him, only with myself. I got up and went in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. Not from pain, but from humiliation and fear. Fear? Yes. Fear that this would be the reason he would walk away. The spinning in my head overwhelmed me with thoughts of how useless I was, I can't even do this one thing right. It was horrible and is continuing to upset me but I'm not showing it.

Yes, TMI, but that is how messed up in the head I really am. It's not pretty in there people! Not pretty at all!!!!