The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Venting again. Thanks DMIL.
Funny, I'm venting but I really feel very little passion about the venting. Just annoyance. I get why. It passes quickly on most days.

My two struggles:
Forgiveness and forgiveness. Why twice? Glad you asked
Forgiving her for what she has done is important to me. I know she lied (to herself as much as anyone) and I know she manipulated. I know I allowed that to happen to me (for me really - that's a different conversation though). I still find it hard to completely forgive this. Why? Because the divorce is not yet final I suspect. It keeps things at the forefront. The second reason is because I feel like she is trying to prove that the kids are ok (the picture of them at Christmas) and that she is a good mother (more on that in a minute.) It's like the closer we get to the divorce, the more she tries to prove she isn't the one. As I write this, it becomes more clear why that is. This has had some benefit then....at least in terms of perspective.

She tries over and over to antogonize me with weird little things. I've asked that she not talk to me. I'm sure one day I won't be bothered if she wants to talk or not. But for 20+ years I trusted and loved her deeply - on both counts. For the past few I have not been able to trust her. I don't turn and run and I don't turn quickly. That's just me. I do still love her - I know. But not in a way that I want to be around her. More in a way that I hope she is ok. More in a way that I don't try to hurt her and sometimes I go out of my way to be sure I don't hurt her. I have no desire to see her hurt or do poorly. I have in the past, but that's my anger. I know. But even then I knew that I wouldn't be happy to see her do poorly.
The second forgiveness is there because she still does "weird" stuff. Christmas was a good example when she tried to make her poor planning my problem. It's very unlike the old her to plan so poorly and I can't see how she didn't plan better this time. I feel like it wasn't poor planning but something else. Stop for a second and realize I do understand I don't know how she thinks and really don't know this person she is or what she is going through. I really don't. But it was odd. The other day was the same thing. I got home and found a bill on the counter for my son's dental visit. She is his provider, and when she took him to the clinic a while back she tried to get me to pay for it. I told her I can't (I really cannot) and to take him somewhere the benefits would pay for it. She replied back (this was all via text) to never mind, she would handle it. So I was surprised to see a bill. I asked her about it(again via text - I have no desire to talk to her - I'm not a masochist and she told me she wanted me to be aware of it. I asked why and if she had filed the paperwork to the insurance. She suggested I could send her the documents. Silly I know, she has the same insurance card still. I told her she could download them and I would return the paper and reminded her of the previous conversation that she was going to take care of it since she did not take him to the insurance approved providers. She wanted to remind me that she is his provider and saw no reason to take him elsewhere.

I walked away from that wondering why the heck she felt it necessary to tell me that. That whole conversation didn't need to happen and I can't for the life of me figure out why it occurred. To me, that's very strange to say the least.

Why is that important? Because it makes it hard to finish the forgiveness. It brings up the crazy crap that has been going on for years now. It reminds of how she poisoned the relationships I have with the kids (sabotaged is a better word). I'm at a loss for all of that as to why. I know my reaction to it wasn't great - I'm not perfect, but I am a working to forgive that in her. I've forgiven myself for my reactions. That happened long ago when I realized the dynamic. But I am sooooooooo tired of revisiting this junk. I have very little energy and negative enthusiasm for it.

I did talk to the lawyer the other day. Nice to know just how screwed I'll be monetarily. That's ok though. My sanity is worth more than that money and in the final analysis, it's worth it. But getting there is sooooooooo tiring when it keeps coming up.

I'm sure I don't want to be her. I feel some compassion for her. I did and do love her and don't want bad things to happen to her. But I do want her to leave me alone. I don't want to be friends with somebody who treats me like she does. I'm not her daddy and I'm not her whipping post. I'm not the reason she left and I'm not to blame for her decisions. I don't like being treated like I am and since I can't do anything to change her mind or her behavior, I would really like to be left alone. I'm not interested in hearing how she is doing - I trust she'll be fine at some point. Instead I put my energy into those things that are important to me - myself and my kids.

Anyway, it helps to keep perspective by venting here.

Peace,


AJ