Outstanding H, F, F, L, P

[Busting Mode]

Have spent much of the day just being with my pain.

At first I was trying to "work through it."

Same old pattern of trying to force and change them rather than simply being fully present and allowing things to naturally flow and unfold as they may.

It takes more trust and confidence than I am used to.

I was thinking about the too-lengthy letter I sent WAW telling her how I feel, the things I was really angry about, telling her how to make decisions, trying to push her into completing the immigration paperwork so I could at least get back to work (95% of my clients are in the states) and especially to be able to spend more time with her...

...as helpless and infuriated as I was feeling when I sent that email to her, and as angry as I was with myself for totally invalidating her feelings and very likely totally erasing all the progress WAW and I had made this week...

I was thinking about how a person might start making better decisions, and I figured it would start with having self-respect.

Honestly I don't have a lot of respect for myself lately. And I'm pretty certain my WAW not only doesn't have a lot of respect for me, but probably for herself either.

Pretty hard to build a healthy relationship without it.

Sometimes respecting myself just looks like being with and fully accepting my feelings. And sometimes, respecting myself means acknowledging my feelings, without allowing myself to over-indulge or dwell in them.

Sometimes, respecting myself is simply a matter of acceptance, elimination and moving on.

It's no secret to me anymore that I have often over-indulged, have shown disrespect towards myself and other people, and have acted totally irresponsible.

I have often done whatever the hell I feel like doing, while avoiding doing the things I must.

But as I was lying down and "being with my pain", simply accepting it without trying to manipulate or change it, just listening to my body and showing it that I respect it...

I started thinking about this quote from Sandi...

"It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!"


I hadn't quite remembered it that way. What I remembered was "Don't do what you feel. Do what works." Pretty much the same thing, but broad enough to help me see it applies not just in my marriage.

What I felt like doing was just staying there lying in my bed. But once my body got the message that I was truly listening, the pain started to subside, and then I was able act more responsibly.

I was able to respond in a healthier, more self-respecting way. I was able to choose to come down here and work on something that I have never been very good at doing, and is a big part of the reason that I have lost so much self-respect in the first place.

I decided to come and work on my budget. It sure wasn't what I felt like doing, but I know that by learning and practicing how to follow a budget...that is something that will definitely work and help me get a life.

It's now 5:53 pm

I will now work on my budget until at least 6:30 pm

No whining about missing my wife or messing up my life.

Big exhale.

Just. Let. Go.

[Busting Mode]

Good morning fellow Life Lovers.

Pretty wild ride for me yesterday. Mind all in a panic, emotions wreaking havoc, DBing mistakes spewing out left and right...

Still feeling some slight pain in my tummy this morning, but as I said in my post yesterday I believe the pain was not there to hurt me. It was to make me more aware.

This morning I am in a much better place to speak to my WAW the next time she makes contact. I believe I have learned my lesson about "trying to make her come and love me" and perhaps even more importantly, being willing and able to stand up for myself as well.

Wanted to share this letter with you that I wrote this morning when I got up:




L----,

It would be best if I could tell you what I'm about to say in person, or at least by telephone, but in case I don't get a chance to do that soon, I want to write down some things I have been thinking while they are still fresh on my mind.

The first thing is this whole thing of letting go and letting things happen naturally.

And the second thing is my need to end our current relationship.

I couldn't see it before, but I am able to see it now. I need to let go now for me. Not just for you.

I have realized it's just the right thing to do for both of us, because the path that we were on will never lead either of us to the place we want to be.

Sorry I couldn't fully see and accept it sooner.

I'm telling you this because I know letting go and letting things happen naturally is in harmony with what you want right now as well.

One thing that's for sure is that all things considered, the relationship I have with you is the best I have ever had with anyone, and I believe you feel the same way for yourself.

But I am also thinking of that movie pretty women where she decides she wants it all.

You are right. We both deserve to have it all.

And neither of us can get there without knowing we are being true to ourselves right from the beginning.

So I don't think I'm going to send you this right now - I've been pushing unnaturally hard for way too long.

Instead I'm just going to wait until the next time that you contact me and simply see what happens.

I know in our last conversation I was being pushy and disrespectful, I know I was totally invalidating your feelings and pushing you away from me, but I also know I'm finally getting a handle on that old behavior and I'm becoming a much happier and more confident man because of it.

Meanwhile, I'm going to post this in the Divorce Busting forum where I have found some friends who are helping me
thrive in the face of the challenges that you and I are going through.

Posting this message in a safe environment where I have the support of others will help me live these important lessons I am learning.


I love you, L----

Always, Your Michael

[Firstlove]

Busting Mode

When I read your post, it reminds me of this poem which I have shared with others on here about Letting Go. This is the most difficult thing many of us have to do, yet I believe it is the right thing to do also. I hope this gives you some insight and wisdom for life and relationships, it certainly did for me.


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Let go, fear less, love more

What I try to do is have more faith in the plan that God has for my life, and trust in that, not in my plan.

[sandi2]

Don't send it. Doesn't matter if you wait to see if she contacts first. Leave her alone. Stop with the contacts and back way off.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I agree with sandi, this letter means nothing to her. Only your actions of moving on, making changes for yourself and showing her you can/will be happy w/o her will have the most affect on her.

Do not give her that letter,

[Busting Mode]

Yeah, I wasn't planning on sending it, and even if I had it would be too late anyway.

My last outburst put her over the edge. Yesterday I had her happy and interested and coming back towards me, this morning she put the divorce papers in the mail and has her heels dug in stronger than ever.

Here's our last messages after my insensitive long-winded preaching to her about actions not words:

WAW:

My actions are sending you the papers what address do you want me to send them to?
You said you would do whatever I wanted several times then sign the papers and let go!
We still have our friendship which will be strong unless you just can't be for awhile I'll understand!


ME:

I want to end it too.
You can send them to me at.

(address)

When can we talk?

------------

Other than stopping all the pain I'm not even sure what I meant by saying I want to end it, too.

But there it is.

My only concern in the world right now is doing this will prevent me from spending anytime with her, even though she just said if I was there she would be giving us a chance.

Guys I'm lost.

No idea what comes next.

[Busting Mode]

In response to my text she just said we can talk tonight at 5pm.

What should I talk about?

All I know is that right now she is operating under false beliefs about the immigration process.

There is nothing wrong or illegal in finishing what we started with that, and she can still have her divorce in 60 days when the paperwork is done, but then I would at least be allowed to come and visit.

[Busting Mode]

So last night we talked for about 45 minutes, then texted for another 30 minutes this morning.

I managed to calm things down a bit between us and now practicing to be prepared, to take things as they come, to be patient and not to force anything, and not to worry about things that haven't actually happened yet.

This one is important. To be prepared and not to worry about things that haven't happened.


Right now I am remembering my climber's debrief training. I learned this while climbing Mt. Rainier years ago:

"What. So What. Now What?"

What happened was:

I waited for her response.
I let her decide when we would talk again.
I prepared for the conversation with a syntax (plan) to keep me focused, flexible and receptive.
I called her at the time she said.
I followed my plan.
We asked each other how we were feeling.
We agreed that we had been having some good conversations lately up until my pushing her again.
I told her..

"In this call what I want is a greater understanding of where each other is at, and what each other is really going through right now"

She agreed that would be okay.
I asked her...

"Is there anything you feel I'm not understanding right now?"

She said she wasn't sure. "Just some kind of a feeling" she guessed. Then Io offered and she allowed me to tell her what I understand about where she's at and what she's going through.

I nailed it. Fired off a bunch of things with pinpoint accuracy describing everything she felt and asked her if there was anything I missed.

She said "No. That's everything."

Then I asked if she could tell me what she understood about where I am at and where I am going through.

"I guess I'm not really sure" she said, why don't you tell me?

And then I began to tell her.

That's part of what happened on the call. There was more, but I'm gonna start with that.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS we simply had an honest conversation where I once again proved how well I understand her, and she appeared open to understanding me.

SO WHAT THAT MEANS IS the lines of communication are still open, and we are both becoming more attuned to each other's feelings.

NOW WHAT am I going to do with that?

I'm going to totally relax, get back to taking care of myself, eating well, exercising well, following my routine, doing my work, breathing well and enjoying myself until I hear from her again.

Bonus item.

Somehow, I got her to think about sending me a special picture of herself that I know will make her feel really sexy if she does it.

When I asked, she texted back:

"Not sure maybe it really won't hurt anything."

So now I'll just patiently wait and we'll see what happens next.


Good DBing, Mike.
Jump up and give me a personal high-5.

[Busting Mode]

Have realized it's not so much that we don't fit together. It's that we haven't really been working together.

Not just in the bedroom, although that's where it has been most obvious that I haven't been...letting her do her thing and come the way she wants...but now I am seeing how are lack of real intercourse - I'm talking true communication, has been messing us up in every other area as well.

This is essential for me to understand and one day to help her understand as well.

The fact is she is an intensely aware and feeling person.
And I am intensely aware and thinking person.

The truth is we can be unstoppable, once we have truly come together.

What I am feeling secure about right now, is that at the very least, as long as I don't push, then she will take the time to fully understand my views before she makes the divorce final.

We're on that path right now, and right now my own basic needs are taken care of, so right now I have nothing at all to fear.


Cheers.

[Busting Mode]

Understanding my views.

Hmmm.

Right now I am thinking that even more important than "Beckie" understanding my views, I need to look a little closer to understand my views, as well.

Reading these boards, and doing my best to apply what I am learning, more and more I am seeing the true value of being true to me.

Of actually having an irresistably attractive quality of life for me.

This is hard to admit, but I really don't need my wife in order to create and enjoy an extraordinary quality of life.

I really do want to learn to surf. I need to learn to surf.

I am going to go to Costa Rica and do that as soon as possible.

Also, for several days now I have let stress and fear and focusing on pain and loss prevent me from sleeping and eating well and also from working out.

Gotta get back to my heavenly state of presence, relaxation, flow.

Yesterday one of my business partners spent 45 minutes thanking me for everything I have done and continue doing for our business. He renewed his vows and re-doubled his efforts to stay the course and fulfill the vision we have for our business.

There is something magical for me here.

There are far more gifts and treasures for me here than I could see while looking at things through my "Beckie" googles and doing things with the sole intent to win her back.

I have been afraid of her falling for a more confident, attractive, alpha-male man, instead of actually becoming a more confident, attractive, alpha-male man.

Feeling like that kind of man within myself is going to take some time. And when I am being completely honest with myself, feeling good about myself was always a primary driver in my decisions to put the pursuit of financial freedom ahead of everything and everyone else in my life.

So I have been acting like a dog chasing it's own tail.

But at least I was an alpha dog. I refused to take second place to anyone.

Not quite the same as being the alpha male. A leader of men, defender of women, and protector of children.

But I know I'm on the path.
Welcome to the next level - Let the transformations continue!


DAILY QUESTIONS:

How do I know I am an outstanding Husband today?
Because the last time we spoke my wife said something along the lines of seeing that I have been becoming more attuned to her feelings, and I am feeling that as well.

And how does that make me feel? How does it feel knowing I am becoming even more perceptive, respectful, aware and attuned to the needs and feelings of my wife?
It makes me feel more confident. It reminds me that know man in the world knows, loves or understands her as well as I do, and it makes me feel even more confident knowing she knows that, too.



How do I know I am an outstanding Father today?

Because today I will be talking to my son about the work that I have given him to help him become financially independent.
And how does that make me feel, helping my son become independent?
Even through my mistakes, it reminds me how much I love him and how devoted I am to helping him live well, and teaching him how to take better care of himself.


How do I know I am an outstanding Friend today?

Today I know I am outstanding friend because rather than just answering these questions for myself as I usually do, today I am taking the time to type my answers out and share them openly with all my DBing friends. It makes me feel really good to give nice to others, and it doesn't hurt my ego to remember that I have an unlimited supply of Love to tap into and share.


How do I know I am an outstanding Lover today?

Because I am making love to my wife right now. It has been days since we've had contact and I am patiently waiting for her response before making another move.
That makes me smile on a cellular level with just the right amount of bad-ass biker thrown in.


How do I know I am an outstanding Partner today?

Because not only do I do my part, but I have chosen to be with partners who have proven they are committed to doing their parts, as well. That makes me feel...curious, actually.

Gives me something to think about regarding "Beckies" values and standards, choosing to walk away after only 2 months of marriage, and willing to leave me stranded without even gathering the facts before she acts.

It also reminds me to be present and not assume anything. Yes, she has taken many steps towards divorce, but it hasn't actually happened yet and at the moment we are still married.


How will I take extremely good care of my mind and body today?

Walking meditation then p90x program before work. And how does that make me feel? Challenged to be sure, but remembering to love the flow or endorphins and the awesome feelings of pride and satisfaction every time I am done.


How am I being financially responsible today?\

After many months of development and testing, today we are finally launching a new product that will help hundreds, if not thousands of people build their own, sustainable on line business. I know I am responsible because I know I am managing myself well enough to manage the needs of all our existing clients, and I know I will become an even better leader as our company continues to attract more and more followers everyday.


Holy Cow I have an amazing life!!!