Everytime I read about HD men's situations in this board I feel that life is so unfair. It must be hell to have to go through a long list of impossible and unreasonable requirements before sex is given to you guys (e.i take out the trash, the dog, the kids, work needs to be perfect, good hair day, the phase of the moon is right, and more and more B.S. that is usually NEVER going to happne all at once)like you are some kind of lower life form that need to be looked at once in a while from their queen's throne. I am sorry, but that makes me so angry!!! I cannot, for the life of me understand that behavior. We get and give so much through sex : love, acceptance, reafirmation , passion and many other wonderful things. When, for Pete's sake did that transformed itself in a control tool in modern marriages? I mean I understand that BEFORE, when woman had nothing, no education, no rights, no nothing, controlling sex was the ONLY way to get what they needed. But we are not on those times and I cannot understand that level of selfishness.
Maybe I am angry because I am not like that at all, I could have made a man really happy in a marriage, besides me being a hell of a lot happier too. But nooooo!!!, I got a H that has not touch me for almost 4 months and everytime the subject is even hinted at, we have a war zone at home.
I really thing us women in general do need more stuff to be happy an content than you guys, but is mainly reasurance, which takes in many forms, you know? that you think we are so special and one of a kind (why do we need that, I have no idea),but to the point of those impossible list of requirements, that is RIDICULOUS. It seems to me that those are just excuses, is like saying I will give you this only if you are taller by the end of the day. It is stupid and unreasonable.
I apologize to you guys for not giving any usable advice or anything that contributes to help anybody, but I am so angry. I guess being HD is a huge motivator, so even if my H is not being a perfect guy, I still want him. It is so hearbreaking to know he doesn't.
I am in such an emotional rollacoaster right now and it is embarrasing to post here sometimes, since one day I see a hint of hope and I post in this forum with a lighter heart and an optimistic view, then, no more than a few days later I just want to die and my writting reflex that.
I know what I have to do in my case, I know my H depression needs to be deal with before our SSM gets any attention, but how do I deal with my pain in the mean time? I am trying so hard to be a good wife and I fail everyday miserably. My anger and resentment is so present is almost physical, so even though I am not bitching at my H, I am not a ray of sunshine either. I cannot help my H and I cannot help me.
Why didn't I get a normal man? Why did I get a man that sees sex as a mechanical joyless task? And on top of that, even though he says he loves me, he can't bring himself to touch me. The latest excuse (oh, and there have been many); he doesn't like how I look and have not desire for my body. HEY! I am just a bit overweight, nothing more than that! I am not blind, I see I cannot wear a bikini anymore without loosing some weight but that does not render me disgusting! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!.
Sometimes I see no hope. Why is it such an effort for him? When I say we may be better if we divorce, he tells me to do whatever I think is best, that he cannot deal with me right now and he wants the bitching to stop. I have stop the talking about the subject but still I am acussed of bitching. I want to be wanted so bad it hurts and my H is incapable. I was told to put up and shut up or get out (not in those word but the same meaning).
I am going to start retrieving, backing off and start thinking seriously about a divorce. It is not easy, but I this situations is impossible and even though I don't think I will be doing anything yet, I see not way of getting to a situation where I am not miserable all the time.
