Please take to heart what Walking has pointed out--as long as you're trying to influence your H's thinking, you're continuing to try to control and manipulate him (and he WILL notice and resent it at some level). At the same time, you're not doing the work on yourself which would make it possible to have a healthy relationship with anyone that DOESN'T rely on manipulation, co-dependence, etc.
About the victim mentality, you might be interested to read an article by Lynne Forrest, "The 3 Faces of the Victim," available on the net. Essentially, the MLCer acts like a victim (and a bully, and a helper to the OW/others) because he has been victimized as a child, but has never dealt with--or, often, acknowledged--that victimization. He is not acting as the victim just to get what he wants from you or the OW (though that might be a welcome benefit) but because at a deep level his instincts are screaming at him that he is being mistreated or taken advantage of or not getting what he deserves.
If he came back to the M at this point, it would not work out. He would soon feel that he'd been unfairly forced to give up the OW, or that it was unfair that he was the only person whose happiness did not matter, or that he was being victimized in some other way (which would justify him leaving/finding another OW, etc). Until he deals with the childhood baggage which left him feeling like a victim in the first place, he will not be capable of making adult decisions. As long as he's thinking with his emotions and clinging to the drama of how pain-filled and victimized he is, nothing you say or do will change this reality.
Meanwhile, do you feel like a victim of his actions, decisions, coldness, rejection, etc.? If so, you need to do the same work that he does of learning to get off the victim triangle.
You're doing well, Angel, at a time when everything seems to be trying to throw you off balance. I'd just like you to consider whether you'd like to continue to spend your energy as you have been, or whether a new approach might serve you better.
