She is mostly very friendly, even tried to hug me yesterday, when she knew I was having some problems at work, but then she pulled back and apologized, saying "you know I am here for you". She just keeps saying and acting "she wants to be my friend", last night, she even slept in the basement with me (we both fell asleep watching TV on different couches). She says she wants to be friends, just can not be my wife anymore, "she will never allow herself to be vulnerable to me again" is her exact statement and she has said it more than once. It is very friendly, but like roommates, and we have our household running as more of a team than we did for the first 16 1/2 years of our marriage. UGH..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
What is your gut telling you about this? Meaning, my H started exhibiting similar behavior after insisting that he wanted a divorce. My gut told me that he DIDN'T want out. And I was right. He left and wanted back 6 days later.
If you asked me that even on Monday of this week, I would have said that she is "done". Now, all of a sudden, my gut is telling me that this may drag right up until the last minute, and she is going to have a change of heart, I am hoping and praying. After all that we have been through, I am obviously very tired, but still not ready to split up my family and call it a day... So I am going to go to the very end, when there is no hope.. Thanks for that, because .. you are correct.. my gut is telling me this isn't over.. and that is why I am reluctant to give up.. Thanks for all of your support.. She insists it is over.. but.. I am not convinced..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Listen, the gut is usually right. You are in a moment of clarity right now. So, take that message you just sent to me and KEEP IT. You are going to feel hopeless again and you are going to need that to remind you that it is NOT hopeless.
You need to act as if this isn't over. That's it. There is no other possible outcome for you right now. If you BELIEVE that, detaching becomes easier. You wont be so afraid.
Another thing... there is NEVER no hope. I have a very good friend who divorced his wife and ended up remarrying her. Actually, it turns out that this scenario isn't all that unusual. I tell people hope is within ourselves. We cannot look for hope outside of ourselves. You need to trust yourself right now like you never trusted yourself before. You are going to be doing things that your entire being is going to tell you is wrong. MWD is NOT wrong and her methods have worked for so many people. The issue is, can you do it? Can you do what she told you to do? You have to trust yourself that you can and you ARE going to do it.
You find some friends to GAL with. You come here to vent. But believe every minute that you ARE going to keep going. It's over when YOU say it's over and not a minute before.
Got it? There's no in between right now. You are in the fight of your life. I've watched army, navy and marine guys on here say that battling the Taliban was easier. So know what you're getting into. Get prepared for it. And FIGHT. You've done it before and you CAN do it again.
And get involved with some other people here. Start helping them with their situations. You've been here before and DB'd successfully. They NEED your help.
Wow, thank you for the inspiration and prayers. I have been reading a lot of the other peoples posts, but have not commented. I am going to have to "pay it forward" for what I have been through and hopefully, I can inspire someone else to keep going, as you have done for me..
Thanks again.. and good luck to you in your own sitch.. I will be praying for you as well.
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Believe me, they would LOVE to hear from you. And usually, they will come visit you and help you out in kind.
There are several of us who are moving towards reconciliation. I KNOW that we would love to get your input.
In the meantime, it helps you to re-learn the techniques you used successfully before. It helps you to make some friends that you know you can count on when you are having bad days. And it gives you lots of opportunities to celebrate because there are awesome people doing awesome things.
You're going to be ok, TDB. Just keep posting and getting your thoughts and feelings out there.
I'm praying for you. And I need as many prayers that I can get!
Ok, took S13 away to the mountains for the weekend, and W stayed home with S12. We had a great time, called W once on Saturday to check on younger son and chatted for about 10 minutes. Called her when we were leaving to come yesterday, and again had a pleasant 10 minute "chat". But then when we got home, things got weird, wife was upstairs in bedroom (it was only 8pm) and never even came out to say hello to my son, until I went up looking for her. She was about as distant as I have ever seen her, just didn't seem to want anything to do with me?? Is she trying to "detach"? I am not sure how to handle this, don't want to "react", but don't even know how to act??? She is off today with my boys for Presidents Day holiday, so she will be home with them. What do I do? Just go work and avoid her all day and observe how she is tonight? Ups and downs are still getting to me... Not as bad as before, but still do..Don't want to make any mistakes, or cause any "negative" effects..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Really struggling with this whole "detaching". This is someone who I have been with for 20 years, my best friend that I talk to everyday.. Now, I am not supposed to talk to her at all?? How are any of you getting along with this part? Is this concept this hard for everyone? Any thoughts or comments?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
TDB68, IMO she is unsure about something. IMO give her space and time to work through it, act “as if”. Be pleasant, but don’t pursue. When she speaks with you listen, make eye contact. If she expresses how she is feeling, validate.
Yes, we are all struggling with detaching. It isn’t easy. Be calm and in control of yourself and how you interact with her. You already know reacting is counter productive. What actions are productive?
BITS (Brothers and Babes in the S**t) I think. Add it to your signature, and post in other threads. Even if you have no words knowing someone else is listening and bumping your post up for others to see helps them. When you actually can suggest something it helps you.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
