SC, Thanks for the "pick me up." I really, really appreciate it. If you don't mind me asking, how long did you have to remain dark to get these little rays of positive response? I ask because I have been dark for a couple of months now and nothing much has resulted from it.
Lord man, for the first year about I screwed up. Tried Retrouvaille, tried the "Love Dare" after that failed. Talked until I was blue. He percieved it all as controlling and pressure. I didn't read DB until July 2010, and didn't get to the boards until Nov. 2010. I started to go dim around the previous July but not consistently ( and consistency is important it appears) I started bein consistent around Nov 2010, laying down boundaries of contact I could maintain. So all told about 8 months. It has not been smooth, it has not been easy.
I thought her sudden interest in me a few weeks ago was the results of going dark. I got on here and praised my efforts and how well they worked. But, it was all a sham. She just wanted stuff from the house and money. Once she got that, she disappeared again. The going dark had nothing to do with her sudden interest in me. It was her own personal gains and needs that bought her back to the table. And once they were fulfilled, she disappeared again and now sends me to voicemail.
It still amazes me. For 14 years, I would get a huge ration of sh*t from her if we didn't talk on the phone every day. Especially if we were traveling on business or separated due to some sort of travel. Now, she sends me to voicemail on every chance she gets...
Yeah I got that too. H even bought me a cell phone so I was reachable all the time. Got irritated when I only turned it on for my convienence - I didn't like "being on call." ( My perception at the time)
I would like to say I am having one of those days, but it is more like I am having one of those months. February has just been awful. Numerous days in bed until noon or later. The only thing I have stayed faithful to is my family, my job, my gym time and my BITS. I have let everything else fall by the wayside.
Oh how I understand. In my case I've been begging off the gym because my emotions are so close to the surface and if I start to cry kicking the crap out of a bag, well it's just not good for me until I get a bit more emotionally healthy. Bed seems really attractive to me too.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC, Thanks for the "pick me up." I really, really appreciate it. If you don't mind me asking, how long did you have to remain dark to get these little rays of positive response? I ask because I have been dark for a couple of months now and nothing much has resulted from it. I thought her sudden interest in me a few weeks ago was the results of going dark. I got on here and praised my efforts and how well they worked. But, it was all a sham. She just wanted stuff from the house and money. Once she got that, she disappeared again. The going dark had nothing to do with her sudden interest in me. It was her own personal gains and needs that bought her back to the table. And once they were fulfilled, she disappeared again and now sends me to voicemail.
It still amazes me. For 14 years, I would get a huge ration of sh*t from her if we didn't talk on the phone every day. Especially if we were traveling on business or separated due to some sort of travel. Now, she sends me to voicemail on every chance she gets...
I would like to say I am having one of those days, but it is more like I am having one of those months. February has just been awful. Numerous days in bed until noon or later. The only thing I have stayed faithful to is my family, my job, my gym time and my BITS. I have let everything else fall by the wayside.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
I think that you need to go check out the divorce busting FB page again FOBD! Not sure that you're getting it.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Man FOBD, My heart really goes out to you. AT what point does DBing become something that will not work? While she is emersed in her affair, I dont know how anything can work. She is being poisoned by the OM and Im sure she talks about the awful things you have done in the past in her opinion and Im sure he does everything to make sure he doesnt do that. He has the blueprint to make her happy for now.
I guess what im saying is while she is still in the affair, the chances for getting her back are zero imho. The affair has to fizzle before you have a chance. OM=No marriage.
You know what you have to do. WE all do in these situations. We have to move on and put hope in a box and store it on a shelf and only bring it down when and IF, they come around.
There are no guarantees and the time line is vague to be sure.
I wish I could be more positive for you , sometimes a hard dose of reality, no matter how much it hurts, is better.
My Therapists is starting to make me face the fact that my marriage is probably over. At least for NOw and if she ever does change her mind, I need to be healthy to make a wise decision. There may be way too much damage to start again but there are people that say NEVER SAY NEVER. Its really up to you and her in the end and to hell with what everybody else says.
Hang IN there FOBD
BETTER times ahead. They have to be because these are the worst days of our lives.
9 BITS
PS. My brother once told me that I survived life before I met my wife. Certainly I can survive life and flourish without her. She does not define who I am as a person.
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
FOBD, Man my W too calls me up quite regularly when she needs info (for the divorce). Once i give her that, then bam! she's gone dark. No communication at all. Oddly she does not even give me any info on our daughter too.
Man you guys have known each other for 14 years. You know there's gotta be something about you that should tug at her heart. Believe in that my friend. Don't lose hope.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
You are in a funk, we get there. Process the feeling and don't fight it.
Too damage done to repair the M?
Only you can decide that my friend. I have plenty of reason to be angry with my W about. Hell I can move on find myself another woman and prob be happy. I CHOSE not to. I love her and I will be the anchor!! Uncondional love my friend, even if only one of you is giving it.
EA out of Canada right?
Honestly other than talking I don't see that there is anything going on there unless there is some info you are not sharing.
Will your anchor hold in the storms of life, When the clouds unfold their wings of strife? When the strong tides lift, and the cables strain, Will your anchor drift or firm remain?
Oh, Sweetheart, I am so sorry that I was not here for you this weekend. I am so sorry that you are struggling. First, order that book that Bolt told you about (Hold me Tight). What you need to understand, first is that your feelings are perfectly normal. You need to understand that very clearly. I know what the techniques are and I try to follow them. But it was much easier for me once I understood ME. I couldn't understand why others seemed to be having an easier time of things and I was a blubbering mess. But what you are feeling is NORMAL.
Once you realize that, then you do need to strategize. Talking to a coach is a good idea. One thing that really caught my eye is about not sure if going dark was such a great idea given your circumstances. Listen, you need to really think about that. I had the SAME situation as far as "going dark" was concerned. I really thought that it might not be a good idea. For me, going dark was a VERY BAD IDEA. And if I hadn't regrouped, I believe the papers would have been filed by now. I altered my plan and went "dim" and that worked much better for me.
There are quite a few of us who care and want to walk you through this. You saw your thread and I was just missing you so much last week. You are trying so hard and for that, you still need to be proud. When reviewing what you've done, you've got to look at your actions NOT the results. Your actions have been quite different than the man you first said you were. That's HUGE.
Lastly, Denver is right on the mark. Sadly, the clock started 3 weeks ago for you. I wish that this wasn't true because I know that the time going by is really weighing on you. But she has been too busy working on the next plan to pay attention what is going on with you.
What do we keep being told??? Is this the hill you are going to die on?? You need a different plan.
I'm so sorry for your pain, sweetie. I wish that we could all give you a hug and be there with you right now.
Wanted to say thanks to all my BITS for the support. I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you.
I am more confused than ever. Some folks say I should stay "dark," while others support "dim." I think all points have their merits. Lost was very correct in her case to choose "dim" over "dark" and I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't do the same. I just don't know.
Today, I met with my C. I told him that I am ready to apologize for what I have done much like you did. He said that he doesn't think it would be a bad idea as long as I:
1) Do it for the right reasons. 2) Go into it with no expectations. 3) Are prepared for the results no matter what that might be.
He is very good at what he does. I also told him that I am sick and tired of sitting in limbo. I asked him if he thought it would be acceptable to call my wife and ask her if she could describe to me "where she feels we are right now?" I don't care if she says "finished," or "I need more time," or whatever. At least I would have some sort of answer. If she says "finished," I will at least know I need to do some more work or just quit. That will be my decision.
As for the OM, I have no idea. Yes, she met him in Canada and that is where he resides. But, a plane ticket and a passport aren't that expensive. For three days during New Year's Eve, she completely disappeared. She later admitted to my FIL that she was in New Orleans the entire time, but wouldn't give details as to who she was there with...
I greatly respect the opinion of all my BITS. I honestly and truly do because many of you are ahead of me in this mess. I am just struggling to figure out what might be the best strategy for my sitch. I am very worried that going completely "dark" may not be the answer. I struggle with this because those that say her clock started again three weeks ago when she got her new place are correct. But, that also doesn't take away from the fact that we have been playing this idiotic game for five months now. On March 6th, it will be six months. Since we don't have any kids, the waiting period is over in my state. One of us can walk down to the courthouse and end it with a signature...
And, on top of all of this, my brother's wedding is quickly approaching. In the middle of all this, I have to plan his bachelor party and get myself mentally prepared for a four hour period of being 25 feet away from her without the ability touch her or hold her or dance with her when the music turns romantic...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Lost, I ordered that book this weekend and it is on the way according to Amazon. I can't wait for it to get here. I am going to head over to your sitch to do some catching up.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I think the MC gave you solid advice here FOBD. If you do it the it has to be for the right reasons. Like I have said when I did it I was prepared to hang up the phone. Honestly I don't think right now you are ready to walk away.
Checking to see where we are right now I don't think it is a good idea.
I can save you the trouble and give you her answer if you ask her.
If you do make contact make it about the apology and nothing else. Prepare for nothing and prepare to receive her wrath.
Doesn't matter either way, if you truly apologize then it doesn't matter her reaction
